It's been three months since I've posted here and I miss it. I miss putting my thoughts down on virtual paper and getting insightful comments from followers and friends.
So here I am. It's almost the end of June. Still have not retrieved my things but I will when I'm ready. As Older and Wiser pointed out it's just stuff.
For the past 9 months I've lived alone in a little but nice studio apartment. Luckily for me it came furnished. It's very pleasant. The landlords live in the main part of the house but are not intrusive at all. There is even a little part of the yard that is mostly just mine. When I babysit here the kiddies like to go out there and it gives me a place for my morning coffee when weather allows. But yet, it is still just one room. Not quite a home. And at times the walls close in on me. However, after a year and a half of not having a car I managed to get one! It's in good shape and didn't cost much, which is good because it is almost 10 years old. It gets me to the grocery store and doctors appointments so I love it! It was god awful having to depend on others when I ran out of milk or bread let alone needing a whole shopping list of essentials.
Being alone is something I still have to get used to.The transition from a huge household to this is taking longer than I thought it would. The constant quiet can be unsettling and I find myself leaving the television on sometimes even when I sleep. I remember my mom doing that; and I remember her thoughts on being alone after raising 5 kids and having a husband passing. I'm sorry I didn't empathize with you more mom.
One thing I am perplexed by and will go in to in another post at some point. I have not heard from either sister wife at all. Nor any of the kids.
Summer is not only officially here but the weather is co-operating on that front. This is my time of the year. I finally have wheels! To the beach I will go on a semi-regular basis....when I can. Repeat. :)
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Love, Romance, and How I got here.
Some plural families are formed out of religious belief as we all know, and some are not. All of Hubby's wives are here in this family out of love. At the time I first met our husband I had given up believing in romance; I had failed miserably at it before so it was something I thought was best to not even think about. But love came back into my life when as the cliche goes, I was least expecting it.
I was unhappily co-existing with my then husband. I had older teenage children that I was praying would hurry up and grow up so that I could make my move toward independence. We met online originally but soon struck up a real friendship. I found him very easy to talk to and I think he did me. I knew he had two wives from the very first, before we ever met in person. It seemed to me at the time that all of his life angst came directly from the living in a plural situation and needing to be all things to all people. That's not exactly true but it was definitely part of it. We both suffered from depression, he more than I or at least I thought so. As time went on our friendship grew to something else. I was desperately in love with a man who would never be mine. We didn't see each other for a year and a half. Our lives were very busy without each other. But I couldn't get him out of my mind and we talked everyday. We've always talked frequently. Once I was estranged from my marriage we saw each other again as though we had never stopped. But the question of plural marriage loomed behind us like a cloud about to burst into storm.
Polygamy goes against my traditional thoughts of romance and love. Doesn't everyone want to be someone's one and only? After much back and forth I agreed to visit where he lived and meet the women who could wind up being my sister wives. I don't think they liked me much at the start, but I was pleasantly surprised and taken off guard by their overall loving plural marriage. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't think real love would have anything to do with it.Hubby seemed happy with them, I was somewhat disappointed, I'll admit. Disappointed and jealous. I'll admit that too. When I pointed out to Hubby that the situation wasn't what I had expected; that I thought he was miserable with them; he pointed out that all that was missing in his life was me. He loved them of course but he couldn't shake that he needed me in his life to feel content.
I'd been in love before and it has never ended well. I just didn't know what to do in this case. We were so close I wondered how well I could do without him.
He made me laugh, smile and feel younger than my years. He thought I was funny and he made me feel prettier than I am. He didn't mind that I was smart. I made him feel loved for who he is, with no further expectation or agenda. I think I gave him a certain confidence. We went on several trips; our relationship was full of love and adventure. Was I ready to give that up and go back to being plain old me? The answer obviously was no. I struggled with my decision for a very long time. I didn't want the music to end but wasn't quite ready to leap into the fire of a plural marriage.
I had all my life been a very jealous person. By some magic I learned to deal with my jealousies. I will say that Hubby is very good at putting me at ease. There has been from the beginning resistance from #2 but everyone else in the family welcomed me with open arms. Once I realized that 2's resistance came from feeling in some ways threatened by me, I realized that jealousy works both ways. Oddly that made me feel better.
It wasn't just the jealousy that had me concerned. It was also all of their collective history, of which I was no part. I was a newcomer, the noob, the outsider. That scared me. Then Hubby made it clear in an indirect way that he couldn't be happy without adding to the family and that he wished that person to be me but if not, this was who he is. I would never be his one and only but he would do his darndest to make me feel special in other ways.
So that is how I came to be a plural wife. For all it's flaws it's a situation that works for him, and now for me. It is built on love. It may be different than your love but it is love just the same. A love story with a twist as Hubby's niece has called it.
The transition from a candidate for plural wife and actually being one has been messy at some times; frustrating and even hurtful. It's also been fun and frantic. I think I might just be getting used to it.
I was unhappily co-existing with my then husband. I had older teenage children that I was praying would hurry up and grow up so that I could make my move toward independence. We met online originally but soon struck up a real friendship. I found him very easy to talk to and I think he did me. I knew he had two wives from the very first, before we ever met in person. It seemed to me at the time that all of his life angst came directly from the living in a plural situation and needing to be all things to all people. That's not exactly true but it was definitely part of it. We both suffered from depression, he more than I or at least I thought so. As time went on our friendship grew to something else. I was desperately in love with a man who would never be mine. We didn't see each other for a year and a half. Our lives were very busy without each other. But I couldn't get him out of my mind and we talked everyday. We've always talked frequently. Once I was estranged from my marriage we saw each other again as though we had never stopped. But the question of plural marriage loomed behind us like a cloud about to burst into storm.
Polygamy goes against my traditional thoughts of romance and love. Doesn't everyone want to be someone's one and only? After much back and forth I agreed to visit where he lived and meet the women who could wind up being my sister wives. I don't think they liked me much at the start, but I was pleasantly surprised and taken off guard by their overall loving plural marriage. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't think real love would have anything to do with it.Hubby seemed happy with them, I was somewhat disappointed, I'll admit. Disappointed and jealous. I'll admit that too. When I pointed out to Hubby that the situation wasn't what I had expected; that I thought he was miserable with them; he pointed out that all that was missing in his life was me. He loved them of course but he couldn't shake that he needed me in his life to feel content.
I'd been in love before and it has never ended well. I just didn't know what to do in this case. We were so close I wondered how well I could do without him.
He made me laugh, smile and feel younger than my years. He thought I was funny and he made me feel prettier than I am. He didn't mind that I was smart. I made him feel loved for who he is, with no further expectation or agenda. I think I gave him a certain confidence. We went on several trips; our relationship was full of love and adventure. Was I ready to give that up and go back to being plain old me? The answer obviously was no. I struggled with my decision for a very long time. I didn't want the music to end but wasn't quite ready to leap into the fire of a plural marriage.
I had all my life been a very jealous person. By some magic I learned to deal with my jealousies. I will say that Hubby is very good at putting me at ease. There has been from the beginning resistance from #2 but everyone else in the family welcomed me with open arms. Once I realized that 2's resistance came from feeling in some ways threatened by me, I realized that jealousy works both ways. Oddly that made me feel better.
It wasn't just the jealousy that had me concerned. It was also all of their collective history, of which I was no part. I was a newcomer, the noob, the outsider. That scared me. Then Hubby made it clear in an indirect way that he couldn't be happy without adding to the family and that he wished that person to be me but if not, this was who he is. I would never be his one and only but he would do his darndest to make me feel special in other ways.
So that is how I came to be a plural wife. For all it's flaws it's a situation that works for him, and now for me. It is built on love. It may be different than your love but it is love just the same. A love story with a twist as Hubby's niece has called it.
The transition from a candidate for plural wife and actually being one has been messy at some times; frustrating and even hurtful. It's also been fun and frantic. I think I might just be getting used to it.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Easter Here and There
The first Easter here. Actually, I was here last Easter but I think I was still shell shocked because it doesn't stand out in my mind as a holiday. This year though, I went with hubby to get the candy etc for the grandchildren's baskets. And we planned a meal. I shipped a package off to my family. Now, I find out accidently I think that Easter has never been a huge deal here. Church for the babies and #2, a nice meal, easter egg dying and baskets, but #2 doesn't think of it as a special holiday just a religious one. So a thought popped into my head, I mentioned it and Hubby declared me in charge of next year's Easter. Yet another cultural difference we all have.
Some of the family dynamics here are starting to annoy me in an odd way. Let me explain. I love my children and I would do anything for them within reason and ability. I miss them dearly. But they are grown, well they should be and mostly are. In this family even the grown children are still very much in our care. For instance, we do the Easter Baskets for the grandbabies, not their parents. They dye the eggs here with their mother. They all eat with us. We babysit daily sometimes for hours if their work schedules conflict or "we're going to the store" and other things like that. I don't get it. When I was in my twenties my parents were lucky to see me once a week. Living under their thumbs was never an option. When I had young children I had to ask for my mother to babysit which she would do for short time frames. I'm not angry about the cultural difference, but like I said, it is annoying to me sometimes.
But tomorrow/this morning, will be a fun day! Hubby's rule #1 for holidays: no fighting, bickering, punishing, pouting, or conflict. The meal will be delicious and the young children will be fun. If I had stayed in my former life I would have been going to a friend's home for a meal, or perhaps made brunch for my oldest child and whoever he dragged with him. Taken a nap and watched tv. This year there will be an Easter Egg Hunt, chocolate and a big homecooked meal. Lots of chaois and laughter and hugs all around. Next year I will add pastry for dessert, lamb instead of ham or turkey, Easter Pie and a few other traditions.
I just realized that not once in this post did I mention polygamy, jealousy or compromise. :)
Some of the family dynamics here are starting to annoy me in an odd way. Let me explain. I love my children and I would do anything for them within reason and ability. I miss them dearly. But they are grown, well they should be and mostly are. In this family even the grown children are still very much in our care. For instance, we do the Easter Baskets for the grandbabies, not their parents. They dye the eggs here with their mother. They all eat with us. We babysit daily sometimes for hours if their work schedules conflict or "we're going to the store" and other things like that. I don't get it. When I was in my twenties my parents were lucky to see me once a week. Living under their thumbs was never an option. When I had young children I had to ask for my mother to babysit which she would do for short time frames. I'm not angry about the cultural difference, but like I said, it is annoying to me sometimes.
But tomorrow/this morning, will be a fun day! Hubby's rule #1 for holidays: no fighting, bickering, punishing, pouting, or conflict. The meal will be delicious and the young children will be fun. If I had stayed in my former life I would have been going to a friend's home for a meal, or perhaps made brunch for my oldest child and whoever he dragged with him. Taken a nap and watched tv. This year there will be an Easter Egg Hunt, chocolate and a big homecooked meal. Lots of chaois and laughter and hugs all around. Next year I will add pastry for dessert, lamb instead of ham or turkey, Easter Pie and a few other traditions.
I just realized that not once in this post did I mention polygamy, jealousy or compromise. :)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
It's Been A Year of blessings mostly
It's been a year since I joined this family as the third wife. And what a year it's been! I willingly admit it hasn't always been easy or happy. But it's been an adventure, a satisfying one. Hubby tries very, very hard to make this a united and happy family. He is most tolerant and takes on much of the emotional burden and every day stress for all of us. This can leave us worried about him, his physical and mental health, as stress can be unhealthy.
I think we have a good marriage. We have two marriages, no we have ten marriages in total if you think about it. There is the marriage of two people (three of those) and then the marriage in total, giving each wife two marriages and hubby four. Wow. If you think about it that way, no wonder it's difficult at times. Think of how difficult just one marriage can be. I was in two monogamous marriages (well officially monogamous) before and believe me, it wasn't always easy.
But don't get me wrong here. It's also very enjoyable at times. During this year I moved in. That was an exciting time! I got to know two women much better than I had before. That wasn't always easy. I got in return for my efforts, three step children, a daughter - in - law and two step grandchildren. All of that in addition to my own brood of two plus a new grandchild. So my family has gotten much, much larger. I now get daily hugs and kisses from people of all ages!!
I am grateful in a way that isn't always tangible. I complain, I whine, I lament about compromise, sharing, noise, messiness, and lack of privacy. A recent anonymous poster commented on 3rd's blog that they are amazed at how plural women act as though they are shocked/surprised at their lot in life, or words to that affect. Well, yes duh. So what? To be honest here, there is no way one could prepare for all this unless they were born in to polygamy, and I wasn't. Would I choose this lifestyle for one of my children? I've been asked that question and the answer is probably not. Just as I wouldn't choose for one of my children to be "gay". But not because I disapprove of it, it is because it isn't for everyone and isn't the easiest path in life.
Am I always miserable and unhappy, hell no! I have a kind, considerate, and sometimes very romantic husband and a wonderful extended family. I have everything I need in life...well I could use more privacy, but nothing is absolutely perfect now is it?
Life is good. It beats the alternative and it's better than before.
I think we have a good marriage. We have two marriages, no we have ten marriages in total if you think about it. There is the marriage of two people (three of those) and then the marriage in total, giving each wife two marriages and hubby four. Wow. If you think about it that way, no wonder it's difficult at times. Think of how difficult just one marriage can be. I was in two monogamous marriages (well officially monogamous) before and believe me, it wasn't always easy.
But don't get me wrong here. It's also very enjoyable at times. During this year I moved in. That was an exciting time! I got to know two women much better than I had before. That wasn't always easy. I got in return for my efforts, three step children, a daughter - in - law and two step grandchildren. All of that in addition to my own brood of two plus a new grandchild. So my family has gotten much, much larger. I now get daily hugs and kisses from people of all ages!!
I am grateful in a way that isn't always tangible. I complain, I whine, I lament about compromise, sharing, noise, messiness, and lack of privacy. A recent anonymous poster commented on 3rd's blog that they are amazed at how plural women act as though they are shocked/surprised at their lot in life, or words to that affect. Well, yes duh. So what? To be honest here, there is no way one could prepare for all this unless they were born in to polygamy, and I wasn't. Would I choose this lifestyle for one of my children? I've been asked that question and the answer is probably not. Just as I wouldn't choose for one of my children to be "gay". But not because I disapprove of it, it is because it isn't for everyone and isn't the easiest path in life.
Am I always miserable and unhappy, hell no! I have a kind, considerate, and sometimes very romantic husband and a wonderful extended family. I have everything I need in life...well I could use more privacy, but nothing is absolutely perfect now is it?
Life is good. It beats the alternative and it's better than before.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Right before moving in..my story continued
This post I made on a different site that concentrated on the decision and my move..you may find it interesting and hopefully it explains more background and contains some things I have learned up till now :)
3 days till D day
Mar 18, 2008
It's Tuesday. Friday all that I have weeded through and left to be moved across the country, will be picked up. So here I sit. In the middle of several piles, stagnate and trying to push myself. This is driving hubby crazy. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry he and #2 think it represents a hesitance on my part, because that just isn't so. I've made decisions..something I truly dislike doing. Saturday I will drive to RI bringing along some of my youngest son's things he left behind here. I will drop off my car so that it will be there for me when I return to RI when the baby is born. ~ I need something to find an internet cafe with afterall..lol~ I will also either give him the car or sell it up there. Ok so that decision isn't quite made. I will return to NY to pick up my last paycheck, and fly out from here, on the 27 or 28th. And I am EXCITED and joyful and sad all at once. Is it possible that men can't multi-task emotions ? I am ready to meet the challenges head on. Thank goodness for a level headed First wife! And for kids who seem to genuinely be happy I am arriving! And for a husband who is trying very hard to make me happy! And for a 2nd wife I can disagree with. I'm feeling a Serenity prayer coming on lol.. Speaking of #2, she asked for the phone the other night when she heard hubby say he was unhappy with my indecision, my seemng to him to be some hesitance etc etc... Oh man, I didn't like that. I'm sorry to all of you that love the bible but please don't quote it to me when it comes to relationships. Is that harsh of me? Maybe, but heck I can't be easy going and tolerant 24/7 lol. This is so difficult this move. I've learned things about friendships that are both good and bad. I've learned that you really can't depend on anyone else but yourself. I've learned that I am a horder..honest I didn't know that about myself. And I'm feeling my age in ways I can't describe. I am longing to be like one of Fen's young girls. Ready, willing and playful. And so desired that I can do no wrong. On the other hand I am learning that I am resilient more than I had thought. That I have a family larger than I had thought. And that I am vital to my larger family. That I can do this! I don't even think that the jealousy thing is going to be as difficult as I originally thought. Something seems to happen inside polygamy that transcends it. Oh it will be there I'm sure. But it may even become laughable. You take three women, all with different, VERY DIFFERENT, relationships with one man and for some unknown reason I THINK what happens is you start to enjoy the complexity of the man and his abilities. Is that possible really? Yes I think so. At any rate, here it is 3 days till D day and I'm on the computer. Some things never change. Procrastination is genetic I think and I am passing it on to the next generation. But am I sad about that. Not really. We are none of us perfect, and it is a far cry better than passing on psychosis. I see in my boys, hearts big as the ocean. I hope I had something to do with that. So my friends, I'm not sure I will be adding another blog post until I am settled in but ya never know!
3 days till D day
Mar 18, 2008
It's Tuesday. Friday all that I have weeded through and left to be moved across the country, will be picked up. So here I sit. In the middle of several piles, stagnate and trying to push myself. This is driving hubby crazy. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry he and #2 think it represents a hesitance on my part, because that just isn't so. I've made decisions..something I truly dislike doing. Saturday I will drive to RI bringing along some of my youngest son's things he left behind here. I will drop off my car so that it will be there for me when I return to RI when the baby is born. ~ I need something to find an internet cafe with afterall..lol~ I will also either give him the car or sell it up there. Ok so that decision isn't quite made. I will return to NY to pick up my last paycheck, and fly out from here, on the 27 or 28th. And I am EXCITED and joyful and sad all at once. Is it possible that men can't multi-task emotions ? I am ready to meet the challenges head on. Thank goodness for a level headed First wife! And for kids who seem to genuinely be happy I am arriving! And for a husband who is trying very hard to make me happy! And for a 2nd wife I can disagree with. I'm feeling a Serenity prayer coming on lol.. Speaking of #2, she asked for the phone the other night when she heard hubby say he was unhappy with my indecision, my seemng to him to be some hesitance etc etc... Oh man, I didn't like that. I'm sorry to all of you that love the bible but please don't quote it to me when it comes to relationships. Is that harsh of me? Maybe, but heck I can't be easy going and tolerant 24/7 lol. This is so difficult this move. I've learned things about friendships that are both good and bad. I've learned that you really can't depend on anyone else but yourself. I've learned that I am a horder..honest I didn't know that about myself. And I'm feeling my age in ways I can't describe. I am longing to be like one of Fen's young girls. Ready, willing and playful. And so desired that I can do no wrong. On the other hand I am learning that I am resilient more than I had thought. That I have a family larger than I had thought. And that I am vital to my larger family. That I can do this! I don't even think that the jealousy thing is going to be as difficult as I originally thought. Something seems to happen inside polygamy that transcends it. Oh it will be there I'm sure. But it may even become laughable. You take three women, all with different, VERY DIFFERENT, relationships with one man and for some unknown reason I THINK what happens is you start to enjoy the complexity of the man and his abilities. Is that possible really? Yes I think so. At any rate, here it is 3 days till D day and I'm on the computer. Some things never change. Procrastination is genetic I think and I am passing it on to the next generation. But am I sad about that. Not really. We are none of us perfect, and it is a far cry better than passing on psychosis. I see in my boys, hearts big as the ocean. I hope I had something to do with that. So my friends, I'm not sure I will be adding another blog post until I am settled in but ya never know!
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