Suggestions anyone? And a brief update.

I feel the need to start another blog on another site, just because. Haven't decided on the new site yet and still thinking about subject matter. I know it could just be ramblings but I'm not sure I want to do that. So - I've thought about a "Grandma" blog. Would call it, "Gramma's blog" and muse about being a grandmother and all that positive usually anyway lol stuff. A little advice for other grandmas and some personal stuff.

However, I have always wanted to do a more political type blog. My opinions; a little humor maybe. Not sure.

Then of course I could just do a blog about my experience learning how to paint...

Or a poetry blog.

And the ideas go on and on...

Several reasons for looking for a new site include that on this site lately, whether I have the captcha on or not, my comment box gets filled with spam. Some of it very weird. Some advertising blogs. Another reason is that I don't want a new blog connected to my formerly plural lifestyle blog and on this site that can't be helped.

I'm going to need emails of folks here that would like to follow any new blog I write. Please.

Update:
I have still not gone to get my stuff out of storage ... it's more than 1000 miles away and my fear of flying; my not wishing to bump in to anyone; my not knowing how I will pay for the trip which I estimate will take almost a week; my not wanting to stay with friends the whole time; ugh..can you say procrastinating?? I would love to see his family and a couple of friends but I just don't know what to do. His extended family became very dear to me over the years and I miss them but not sure .....so not sure about so many things lately.

Friends Who Ask Nothing

I don't really see myself as a painter/artist, writing is what I do, but I've been painting quite a bit lately. It's relaxing. the lighthouse is an old painting done for the painting class when I first moved across the country. I remember going to that class, a senior education class at a junior college, and feeling so strange with a roomful of strangers. I came to feel like that class was an oasis and those strangers my only friends.

They were women mostly, and approximately my age. They were so hospitable and nice, and some of them quite talented. The teacher was great...easy going and encouraging. She provided a list of needed supplies; and she never said an unkind word. Some of them had taken the yoga class I took for a while. None of them knew my circumstances or lifestyle and there was no need to go in to all that in order to be friendly. All they knew was that I had moved from the Northeast; married a man much younger; and had children, step-kids, and grand-kids. We didn't socialize outside of class but they did invite me to shows an art organization they belonged to held on occasion. They invited me to join, but I never did. Once I drove to the teacher's home to give her a kitten she wanted to adopt. Sometimes one of them would bake and bring goodies in to share. We exchanged small gifts at Christmas or hand-painted greeting cards. When after a year or so I became sick, they comforted me. They were empathetic and offered help that I graciously turned down. When I returned to class some months later with a bandanna around my bald head they complimented me. When my hair grew back they were thrilled for me. We spent the class painting and swapping stories about our grandchildren. I sorely miss those women.

People you meet in life who ask nothing of you except occasional camaraderie are undervalued. They are the best kind of friends. When I left, after that last class, I sat in the parking lot in the car and cried.

Forgiveness is the Solution to Everything....Courtesy of Steven Tyler

I haven't written here in a while mostly because I was feeling like I was whining too much. But I have something I would like to share.

I'm not a HUGE fan of Oprah Winfrey but occasionally she does something that strikes a chord in me. She has started a new show on her network OWN, called The Next Chapter. Her first show was a two hour long interview with rock icon Steven Tyler at his home in New Hampshire. I knew I always like Aerosmith's lyrics and I know lead singer Tyler has had a tumultuous life, in large part because he was/is a drug addict. But he is enormously talented and apparently a strong person with strong ties to his family and his roots. This interview was amazing..

At one point in the interview Oprah asks him how he has survived what with his infamous drug use, his conquering hepatitis C and his professional/personal troubles. He says something like..Forgiveness is the solution to everything..or the answer to everything..I can't remember which even though I watched it twice. But the concept struck a deep chord within me. I sometimes have trouble forgiving. And then when I do manage to forgive, I can't seem to "forget." That's a problem I will always have to work on.

Forgiveness. What does that mean? Why is it so hard to forgive? And why is it so necessary?

Years ago, an acquaintance of mine lost her 19 year old son in a terrible car accident that was probably the fault of the driver of the car her son was in. At the funeral in the church, the young man sat next to her. He came out of the accident barely injured physically. The whole family embraced him and comforted him as he comforted them. He was never quite the same afterwards but he eventually moved forward, joined the Navy and had a life...as did they. Of course they were deeply saddened but they were able to continue in a way their son would have wanted.

A few years later a good friend lost her young son in a car accident when the driver of the vehicle fell asleep at the wheel and they hit an enormous tree. Again the driver was barely hurt. But he did not appear at the funeral and my friend never spoke to him. Both she and her husband became unhappy and bitter. I don't think the sadness ever lifted from their eyes and their professional and personal lives suffered.

I remember at that first funeral remarking to someone how heart warming it was to see the family and the driver together. The answer I got was similar to Steven Tyler's thoughts on forgiveness.

Even if forgiving just chases the negative thoughts out of our heads it's worth a try. But I think, from what I have seen, it can do so much more.

Old friends...wow friends!

Just returned to my sister's home from a brief trip to visit with a few old friends in my hometown. At first I was feeling awkward (I just have a "thing" I guess about staying in other's homes) but soon I was feeling just fine. The trip was precipitated by one friend's illness. Her sister arranged for a couple of us to visit to cheer her up. I really miss my old friends. Because I didn't raise my kids anywhere near family members, my friends were really like family. I had lots of friends through the years. Friends with children similar ages, friends from the neighborhood, friends through work, friends who were parents of the kid's friends. Of course friends come and go but there was always a core group I saw on a regular basis. And some I saw rarely after a while but stayed in touch with.

FRIENDS. Something I lacked back home with hubby and #1 and #2. I'm sure I've posted about this before. It's no secret that it's difficult to maintain friends while practicing polygamy in the mainstream. Some folks manage it, I didn't seem to be able to for various reasons. And having a leisurely social life that includes some friends (especially girl friends to shop with and talk to and share and laugh with) is something I've missed.

Anyway, it was a busy 4 days and fun for me. I hope I don't go another year or two without seeing them. For me, my friends affirm who I am as a person. The person I grew to be. They know my foibles and my good points. They like me! Wow, friends!

Family News

I have so much to talk about today but I'm going to try to limit the number of topics. It feels like forever since I've been here.

I'm sorry to see that Third is thinking of not writing anymore :( I so enjoyed reading her and hope she returns to her blog.

My #2 - well we are in an odd place at the moment. Somehow we are closer, but I have no clue how that happened...maybe I've come to the realization that her relationship with hubby is way complicated? All I know is I've noticed he agrees with a lot of my criticism of her but chooses not to dwell on her faults, which is admirable. Only wish he didn't hold me to a higher standard, as complimentary as I could take that! I feel sorry for #2, her family lives far away and her grown children who are closer are not close to her for whatever reason. I see her as a wounded bird in some ways, one that no one can help.

My #1 is going through a difficult time right now. She seems unhappy one minute and happy another. She keeps a great deal inside. Family is very important to her and hubby but they have some difficulties with their kids that are taking a long time to resolve.

Hubby is, hubby. He is much moodier than during our lengthy courtship but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that unfortunately it's his nature. Good news here though ....drum roll please...he is going to let me move to the other house!!!!!! He feels his son and his family need help with the house and all, and I feel (something tells me he agrees) "our" relationship will benefit from me being next door....Amen and Halleluah!!!

Wish me well on the move please...the son is not happy about it and has slowed the move to a virtual halt. However, I am visiting my family for a month very soon and that will give them time to get the house ready for me. I'm also somewhat worried about a new living situation; the inevitable jealousy it will probably bring; the conflict with his son and his son's wife maybe; and the temptation for me to turn it in to MY house and have girlfriends over for lunch; a glass of wine; to watch a movie etc. How I miss that aspect of living alone!!!

Unusual tears

Well I took a trip back to my old hometown this past week. Also went to yet another state for a wedding and to see more family. It was really wonderful. Hubby joined me a couple of days before the wedding. Family seemed to like him :)

Here is what's interesting to me:

I almost came to tears when I got on the plane to fly to see my oldest boy and friends. And a couple of times when I was there, homesickness wasn't expected.

Then when I got in the car to meet up with Hubby and travel together to the wedding state, again choked up.

THEN, upon saying goodbye there, teary eyed and all choked up.

I am NOT a crier. Really, I'm not. I cry at a very sad movie about other peoples lives, on occasion, or while reading a very sad book sometimes. But rarely do I cry at real life.

Another strange thing. I really hugged #2 when I got home.

I am becoming a softy!!!

Had a really great week though. Lots of FUN and visits. I felt very close to Hubby and was very proud of him with my family. It was such a good feeling! We had a wonderful time together. Very affectionate and laughing. Lots of laughter. My boys seemed to have fun with him too. We weren't alone a lot but still we were very connected. I wish we could get away more often to refuel. I miss that very much.

Yogic Philosophy and such

I am very very tempted to tell my yoga instructor about my living situation. But I probably won't. I'm feeling ambivalent about the yoga at the moment anyway. What I enjoyed about her class when it was at the community college is that because the students were all seniors she went at a relatively slow pace with exercises and understood if there were just some things you couldn't do. Plus there was just the "right" amount of yoga, or yogic as I tend to call it, philosphy without being overbearing. She appears to have had an ephiphany or something because this last class I went to we had 35 minutes of meditation instead of 10 minutes of relaxation. I need a tad more exercise and a tad less spirituality. On the other hand I would so love to have a real friend who would accept and not question my choice of polygamy and I think she possibly would be the one. Will have to think more on it I suppose.

I've tried explaining the purpose of yoga breathing and the concept of being in the NOW to both hubby and #2..neither understands that they could do so much more for themselves to be happier people. Hubby particularly needs to learn the art of relaxation and the positive affects it has on your health etc.

Holidays

This is the second Christmas I'm not in my old home town with family and friends. My fourth Christmas not spent with my entire family, and for some reason this is the worst one yet.
We are all getting along famously here so that's not it. The only one criticising the way I do things is you know who, and I can't help that. I'm just sitting here wondering when I will if ever have the money to send for my children for the Holidays, or when will I ever get back there for a holiday, or when I will get used to being part of a new family. You see everything isn't always about polygamy. Sometimes it's just about a new marriage. Hubby god bless him is very good at holidays, if he weren't I would be miserable. He has one steadfast rule..no arguing or fighting during holiday time..wow it's wonderful. :)

I got most of my gifts mailed off so that's a good thing.

Melting into a new family sucks frankly. It's difficult but it's coming along. The second son, the high schooler I think is back in my court and has come to realize why he liked me in the first place. He is the one with all the poly questions. The other night he asked us the adults to all turn off the tv to ask us a question. He said his girlfriend wanted to know if any of us ever wished we were the only wife. #2 said sometimes, #1 was already asleep in their room, and I said nothing. He continued to say that his gf hopes he doesn't ever want to be polygamous and he told her NEVER! lol..

Oldest son well, he resents another person coming between he and his dad, another woman to compete for his dads attention or conversation.

Middle son could care less lol

The grandbabies feel like they are mine but I still miss the biological ones big time. I miss staying up all night and talking with my oldest kid, I miss my youngest's hugs. Heck I even miss his bitchy wife sometimes. lol

The friend issue is so unresolved. I've never had so few friends outside family. It feels unreal but I think it's a tough thing to make and keep friends in this situation other than job place friends. #1 comes close to being like a friend and a sister. #2 doesn't understand that if all she lives and breathes for is hubby than how can we be like sisters or best friends? Does anyone else find that kind of thing troublesome to them in their plural marriage?
Don't get me wrong, out of everyone I am closest to hubby and love him to death..but I'm used to having gfs to confide in, shop with, even watch tv with, have a glass of wine and be girly with.

Ah, the Holidays. They get you thinking and sometimes even a bit melancholy. But we can't live without them.

Some of my thinking has changed about plural marriage

This process has changed me for the better in a lot of respects. However my beliefs about polygamy have also changed somewhat. I thought, naively, that the best way to enter in to a polygamous marriage was through the "romantic" way. WRONG! That is probably the most difficult way to begin this journey.

At least that is what I have come to believe. Let me tell you why if I can..

I believe in romance. It concerns me when I hear about people who are in arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Romantic love, I have always believed, is the heart and soul of a marriage. In some ways I still believe that but for a plural marriage it is the one thing through which difficulty arises, making sexual jealousy, compromise, sharing everything, children, legalities, housework, all pale.

Now I have truly come to believe that this is a situation best entered in to through the hearts of the women. When women in a marriage choose as best as they can, the new member of the family. Are you shocked at me? You see, I just can't bring myself to "love" #2 in a way that would make life easier around me. She annoys the hell out of me. Sorry. I've learned to get along with her. I even can tolerate her incessant talking more than before, and frankly I think she has come to respect that I can't LISTEN constantly. I rarely find a person I can't be friends with, but I have found one in her. I really am I swear, a pretty tolerant person. But this woman has so many character flaws, and immature qualities, that there is no way I would have ever chosen to spend this much time with her. I've probably said this all before but it bears repeating simply because I've also noted that there have been some improvements. The thing is, if you are going to live in the same house with someone who has NO OTHER LIFE, and they are totally dependent on you and hubby for conversation and entertainment, you best adore her company!

The thing is hubby DOES adore her company. He admits she annoys him. He'll admit she's a dingbat, matter of fact that is the family's nick name for her. He'll admit that she is childish and irresponsible. That she manipulates people into getting her own way even about simple things. But I can tell he enjoys her company, even though he doesn't enjoy her chatter. The reason is plain, she worships him. However, that is one of the qualities I find so annoying. I mean WORSHIP. She refuses to do anything but utter compliments and criticises me for having the nerve to occasionally say things like "dear, I don't think you want to do that" or "Honey, wouldn't it be better if we did this tomorrow." Or, when he asks for opinion, she always agrees with him even if in private she'll mutter disagreement to herself. YUCK.

He even knows she isn't sincere. I THINK. Everyone in the family seems to see it anyway. But there you have it. My reason I would never choose her for a sister wife, or agree to have her here if she wasn't already here before me. And honestly, I'm sad about it. For the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to pray for help about something that isn't tragic, just annoying on a constant basis. What am I praying for? Not her poofing into thin air - but her changing just a little.

I mean she complained ferociously that I was allowed to put stuffing in to a Turkey (we made 2) for Thanksgiving, when it had never been done before in this family to her knowledge and she apparently asked to do it 16 years ago. (bear in mind no one will eat her cooking) She was yelling about it 2 days after the fact! Like a spoiled child who didn't get her way but someone else did. By the way, she likes stuffing cooked in the bird but she couldn't bring herself to enjoy it even though she ate it and didn't comment on whether or not she liked it. I mean REALLY.

I'm not giving up, but I know one thing for sure. If somehow someday I decide I made a big mistake by coming here and adopting this lifestyle, and I decide to leave, she will be the reason. I pray that doesn't happen.

Sorry if this post seems to be more of a rant. I need guidance from an experienced sister wife who has had similar experiences. I'm hoping I'm not alone.

I still believe in romance, I just think it's way more complicated in a plural marriage than I ever imagined and maybe it's best to have the romance come after becoming friends with the wives :)

Kids Growing Up

Our youngest son is sixteen. The age when boys are perhaps at their most sexually curious, if not active. He told me the other day that the first time he saw his father kiss me he felt uncomfortable. It made me a little sad. He has never lived in anything but a plural family. When he was born, #2 was already here, and she had a big part in helping to raise him. I'm hoping his uncomforableness stems from the lengthy period of time between #2 and then my arrival. He has a girlfriend now and since having one he has become more open and communicative. I think the young lady asks questions about our lifestyle. She's a sweet girl.

None of hubby's sons (the only children who live here) are at all interested in living in polygamy. They don't "judge" it they just say it's not for them. I wonder if this is really so or if it is because our family's lifestyle isn't based on religious belief or salvation. As far as I know the married son has no desire for another wife, and she has out and out said she wouldn't want to share him. The middle son accepts our lifestyle but openly says he thinks it's "weird". When pushed to explain, he says things like: Why would anyone want that? In other words, no concrete answer. The young man with the new girlfriend says things like he just can't imagine loving more than one person.

So why do they reject how we live? This is something that weighs on hubby's mind. I think he worries that somehow they have been unhappy with his and his first wife's decision to have a plural marriage. Do we seem unhappy to them? I highly doubt that. To be honest, I think the two biggest negatives are the "out of the norm" way of life, and main streamed kids don't like to be different from their friends. The other negative would be lack of privacy. It is almost physically impossible to have secrets (not that I want any) and it seems as though everyone knows when Dad sleeps with who. I've mentioned bathrooms before and it sounds petty but it seriously isn't when you are a teenager, or even a middle aged woman like myself. A bigger house might help.

I think those two so called problems are even worse than the friendship issue. By the way, the poll indicated an even split among folks who voted. So the question of whether or not one can have a "normal" social life is still a big question.

But back to the kids. I believe I mentioned that they don't keep this secret for us. That indicates that they aren't embarassed or ashamed. But they still seem to reject the lifestyle for themselves. I think more pragmatically. I think how lucky they have been to always have a parent figure at home. In the past, the three adults more or less took turns depending on various things, either working from home or not going to work so someone would be here for the kids. That was a financial sacrifice. I think, they are very fortunate now to have built in babysitting for their young children, and a lovely home that we collectively bought so they could live nearby. Things like that. The neighbors tolerate us and have at times been friendly. The people next door over the years have invited this family to special gatherings in their home. There has really been no ostracism, in the neighborhood or at school. Hubby's extended family is warm and welcoming to all of us and they live nearby.

There are other practical matters that are positive too. For instance tonight Hubby wanted to watch a movie I had no inclination or desire to watch. But hey, not my night! lol :) Stupid things like I don't have to watch any Science Fiction or Star Wars stuff. I only have to cook every other night! Someone else makes sure the bills are all paid. It's really nice that I don't have to worry about that.

So what do you think the kids are rejecting?

Added a figet and ready to roll...life lately :)

As the seasons change and the holidays approach I've been doing some reflecting on life lately. What a couple of years I've had!

Married into a plural family, left my job and fast paced lifestyle, moved across the whole country, became a step parent and a grandmother almost all at once! It's no wonder my head still spins sometimes. As each obstacle or challenge comes it is dealt with but wow, it is still dizzying sometimes! Please take note~ I didn't say it was negative.

Oh there are still a few issues but I am starting to feel ready to deal with them in a better more positive light.

Life lately is good overall. The hippy commune/college dormitory style of living here isn't all that terrible, really it isn't. Would I still LOVE to have my own bathroom? Well of course! Doesn't everyone want one? :)

My relationship with my sister wives is getting closer. I have come to accept that #2 and I will probably always have issues, but we do have some things in common, I just have to focus on those things somewhat more. We both love comedy, things from "back home," we are both resistent to change in general, and we both love this family! Her lack of boundaries remains the largest issue, but I don't think it's possible to change another human being, and the Serenity Prayer comes in very handy at certain times. :)

Truth be told, right now my largest concern has little to do with the sister wives, the hubby, and more to do with ME. I am a social person. I am given to recluse when depressed, or lacking funds, but I have always had a bevy of friends and acquaintances to call upon for conversation, debate, hugs, and fun.

The other day, I mentioned to hubby that I don't know how I will ever make friends here. His response was to get a part-time job. Easier said than done. I tried for a while. I was either over qualified, too old (yes I know that shouldn't matter but ask anyone who has experienced age discrimination, it exists), or there was nothing available that I was qualified to do! I gave up, but I will go back to looking.

I'm not sure that is the answer though. I wish I knew what the answer is. The plural lifestyle is inhibiting. I don't want my family to be a "curiosity" for acquaintances I make or friends I cultivate. I honestly don't know how to handle this particular problem. Also, all my life I have had friends of every persuasion, color, sexual orientation and gender. No one else in this family has friends of the opposite sex for instance. I can foresee it being problematic. But I may be worrying about nothing.

The largest obstacle to outside friendships though is the lack of privacy to entertain. This isn't a small house, but there are alot of people in it. Plus there would have to be a certain level of trust in the friendship before I would consider inviing folks over. The friendships that already exist here are long standing, none of them 'my" friendships. Sometimes I see where the people who live on compounds have it easier in that regard..ONLY in that regard though. If you've ever watched Big Love on HBO, you can see that the women have few if any outside friends, there is the one plural family they associate with and that's basically it. The teenagers have limited friendships and poor Margene wanted Pam the neighbor, for a friend which worked out badly. I think it's a fair portrayal of the social interaction in plural lives.

On the plus side, it almost is impossible to be lonely!

If anyone has any advice, counsel or commentary on this subject I would love to hear it.

Sister wives and friends...

I miss my friends. I don't speak to my old friends every day anymore, and I miss them. I miss being dragged out of the house when I'm in a funk and having a good time laughing over a glass of wine in spite of myself. I just got off the phone with a friend from back east and it suddenly hit me....other than family, I haven't made a single friend here in my new home. It reminded me of a post I wrote back in January, so I am repeating it (shortened up a bit) here because I think it's relevant to the experience I'm having.

One of the positive things I keep hearing about havng sister wives is that you wind up with built in friends. That puzzles me to some extent. Well, I guess if the pool of candidate wives consists of women the existing wives already know and like, that would be the case. But some of us have sister wives that either are there first, or are chosen by the husband for the family's approval. To me that makes them more like traditional family members..and we all know we can't really choose our family and don't always like them!

My particular dilema with this is that I have always had friends. I imagine that when I am permenantly settled hereI will establish a small circle of friends of both sexes. Most likely I will either volunteer or work part time outside of the home and I am friendly. It suddenly occured to me that my sister wives will be curious about my friends, want to meet them, befriend them much like if they were real sisters. wow. They may even develop jealousies regarding them. Holy wow. #1 has friends at work but never brings them home. One wishes #2 would make some friends but she doesn't. Hubby loved making friends when he was spending time back east with me. And he has a childhood friend that visits regularly. Friends. Do suburban plural families not affiliated with any church/religion, ever really have "friends?" Good question.One I'm going to be pondering for a while I think.

I've been here several months and this is worrying me. I'm afraid I will become lonely. Not the all alone kind of lonely, but the "no girlfriends to meet for lunch" kinda lonely. Neither #1 nor #2 would be my friend except for the fact that we have been more or less thrown together. If #1 were a co-worker she would probably become my friend after a while. She's sweet and generous and she likes to go places. Wife #2 is someone I would never choose as a roommate or a friend. I can't figure out how Hubby would have chosen her. It's little things like how she never shuts up, or how she leaves dirty pots out over night. How she acts and dresses younger than her years. Other things too...She's annoying and I'm no saint.