I am trying out Gray/Grey

I wish the color gray/grey didn't have two spellings because I can never decide which to use and don't know if there is a difference. At any rate, I seem to be trying out gray hair. Sigh. I've been coloring my hair since I noticed that the little bit of gray I had wasn't so little anymore. Yes, a long time. I've bleached it; highlighted it; covered it; and since moving in with my former hubby basically just colored it to cover the gray and lighten it a bit. I loved being blond so I try to move in that direction.

Why did I stop highlights etc you ask? Well dear friends who are interested in polygamy, my sisterwives at the time didn't have as much income as I had and could not afford to go to a stylist on a regular basis. I was encouraged to do as they did and make do with inexpensive home coloring. What can I say? I'm a jerk sometimes.

Anyway, my sister has been helping me color it now that I'm truly poor; and she's been doing a good job. But she's very busy; works two jobs and is newly married. I always feel like I'm imposing. So now I'm overdue. Very overdue, as in a couple of inches of gray blending in to the dull blondish rest of the head..Everytime I think about going to the store to buy color something stops me. I don't know what.

I've always looked younger than my age. I've seen photos of myself at 45, 50 and so forth and it's true. I always looked at least 5-10 years younger. Then I got sick. Before long, I started looking my age except for the lack of gray hair.

So there you have it. I'm old. We all get old I just didn't think it would happen to me so quickly. My how time flies....and not just when you are having fun.

Something tells me I will give this up, this trying to be gray thing, because gray seems to look best on women who wear a lot of makeup. I don't have the energy nor inclination for that I'm afraid. We'll see.

Oh, did I mention that boob I was in a plural marriage with keeps trying to contact me? I'll leave that for another post.

A good day for America and for us

I don't know if any of you are for or against gay marriage. It doesn't really matter to me because I truly believe that we are all entitled to our different opinions. I just happen to agree with Clint Eastwood,over 50% of our citizens including Dick Cheney, and the President of the United States. After all, as Robin Williams has joked, why shouldn't gay people have the same right to be miserable as the rest of us!

All joking aside, yesterday was a good day for our country and for polygamists if you think about it. We are one more step, however small or large, to our neighbors accepting different marital lifestyles as the norm. That's an excellent thing.

NTPW posted recently about a colleague seeing her husband and his other wife out to dinner. This is an awkward moment for a professional woman, should I explain or not? No, I'll just brush over it...no, it's no one's business really, etc. etc. etc. Truth is it would be nice not to have to even think about it. Truth is, the family I (new#3)was born in to have never really accepted it. At first they expressed surprise and shock, then grudging acceptance that soon faded away the very second I expressed any concern, unhappiness or doubt.

For me the whole issue of gay marriage is one of liberty and equality. I have gay friends who have been praying for acceptance of gay marriage for years. I'm not sure I totally emphasized with them until I entered in to a plural marriage. To this day I don't talk about my marriage to certain people and don't mention it at all in social situations unless I am with hubby and he brings it up first. That has happened occasionally especially in the beginning when we would be on vacation surrounded by strangers...I was often surprised at the reaction...rarely did anyone care or say anything negative. Usually there would be a lot of curiosity. Which was fine.

So really, what's the big deal about gay marriage? I don't know but unfortunately several of my more conservative friends have expressed outrage which makes me sad. For some it's just another thing to hold against the President. Well, like him or not. Agree with his administration's policies or not. I admire his courage. And I'm happy for my gay friends.

An Update of Sorts

I haven't posted in almost a month because honestly, I don't have much news. Things are the same. The new doctor was nice enough and I have no bad news to report from tests and such. Thanks for asking though BC.

Well, ok, there is something that is irking me. Hubby's youngest son is getting married. It's not the marriage that is irking me, although I am one of those people who believes in folks waiting until their life is on track before taking that leap. He and his fiance are young. Too young in my opinion but they've been together through high school and initially were going to wait even longer (he's only 19 and she's just about 18) but they have their parents blessing. So what irks me is they are getting married on hubby and my anniversary! Not their fault. Hubby and the sister wives forgot. Then the plan was made and there was no turning back. Honestly, I don't know how they could have forgotten because anniversaries were always a big deal in our house. Perhaps they just didn't think I would care. In any event, it irks me.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this but this young couple, again with both sets of parents agreeing, are living in my room at the moment, until they get a place of their own which could be god only knows when. Now what bothers me about this besides the obvious things, is that supposedly (and I hope so) my "things" were packed up and put away safely. I guess I'm feeling frustrated at the moment. I just hope and pray that my personal belongings aren't "lost" in a storage shed somewhere. Or worse, still in the room being used by everyone, or should I say "broken." A trip down there isn't feasible at the moment I'm sorry to say.

To add icing to this "delightful" cake, my family here has turned against hubby and the whole plural marriage thing. I think another fall out from my illness has been that my family, kids, sisters, etc. wants me to be near them more than they did. When I first moved across the country for a new life, though skeptical about polygamy (once they knew about it), they were at least glad for me that I felt I had found happiness. It was hard not to notice at the time how changed for the better I was after meeting hubby. Someone commented once that it was as if I had come back to life. I looked younger, happier, prettier, and was definitely more actively engaged in the world at large instead of just my "career."

Anyway, that's it for today. I will try to post more frequently.

Politically Speaking This Is Me

Politically I guess you would say I'm a liberal Democrat...to some that would seem a contradiction to plural marriage. To me it makes sense.

Political conservatives (and most Republicans) are not in my humble opinion socially inclusive. Most don't believe gays should marry, or adopt, or in some cases even exist. Polygamy? Plural marriage? Alternative life styles are not their cup of tea. Which brings up the Tea Party Republicans who I don't quite understand at all.

Liberals and I venture to say most Democrats and some Libertarians are broad minded enough to be able to embrace folks who live differently than the mainstream.

And then there are the poor among us. The Bible is full of passages in both the New and Old Testament about our obligation to take care of the poor and disadvantaged. Those I would identify in that category would be the unemployed, the disabled, the elderly, young children and others who are homeless. And yet many among us particularly those who wish to be in "power" in our country, seek to eliminate "entitlements" they consider not to be of their concern..like unemployment benefits, medicare, social security, medicaid, etc. etc. Oh they seem to say, we have millions of folks without healthcare? Oh well, not my fault they are lazy.

The irony of the Evangelical Christian Right is not lost. Someone posted this quote from Stephen Colbert on my facebook page and it made me sit up...

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

You don't have to be a "Christian" to see the truth in that. Most religions have as a tenant to help the poor.

Yet every time a politician wants to do something to forward the poor and unfortunately now, what used to be the middle class, he or she is beaten back by a stick wielded by a political conservative. Thus, I simply cannot relate to those who identify themselves as such.

Of course I would like to see a balanced budget and lower taxes. All though I will never understand why the rich don't pay more. Of course I want our country to fight terrorism. Yes, of course I would like to see your business prosper and our citizens safe. Yes, I am conflicted about the undocumented residents harbored inside our borders, I am after all the grandchild of immigrants, but I also recognize the problems. And of course I would like to stop the flow of drugs in to our country. Being liberal doesn't equate to being stupid or un-American or even a socialist.

You may disagree with me of course, as is your privilege, and I will like you anyway, as is my way. I just wanted to open a window for you to see who I am.

Waiting For The Spark

I watched the Conrad Murray sentencing yesterday on live tv, by myself. Before I go any further let me say honestly that I'm a news junkie; a crime junkie; a political junkie; and I'm not ashamed. It's a habit, all this news watching that I got from my mother. It was reinforced with the advent of the 24 hour news cycle and accelerated during and after the 9/11 tragedy. It's something hubby and I used to share. I miss that.

I'm missing him, even though I'm terribly angry with him. I don't even know all the reasons I'm angry...but somehow disappointment in certain things turned to anger. I am easy to forgive so please know I forgive him for the disappointments and the overwhelming challenges I faced entering in to a plural marriage. I'm not a child and I'm fairly smart and I knew it would be difficult. No one has ever accused me of wearing rose colored glasses. He says he misses me but I'm not sure I believe that.

So here I sit, waiting for a spark to reignite the fire, so to speak. Only then will the anger dissipate.

Old friends...wow friends!

Just returned to my sister's home from a brief trip to visit with a few old friends in my hometown. At first I was feeling awkward (I just have a "thing" I guess about staying in other's homes) but soon I was feeling just fine. The trip was precipitated by one friend's illness. Her sister arranged for a couple of us to visit to cheer her up. I really miss my old friends. Because I didn't raise my kids anywhere near family members, my friends were really like family. I had lots of friends through the years. Friends with children similar ages, friends from the neighborhood, friends through work, friends who were parents of the kid's friends. Of course friends come and go but there was always a core group I saw on a regular basis. And some I saw rarely after a while but stayed in touch with.

FRIENDS. Something I lacked back home with hubby and #1 and #2. I'm sure I've posted about this before. It's no secret that it's difficult to maintain friends while practicing polygamy in the mainstream. Some folks manage it, I didn't seem to be able to for various reasons. And having a leisurely social life that includes some friends (especially girl friends to shop with and talk to and share and laugh with) is something I've missed.

Anyway, it was a busy 4 days and fun for me. I hope I don't go another year or two without seeing them. For me, my friends affirm who I am as a person. The person I grew to be. They know my foibles and my good points. They like me! Wow, friends!

All Relationships take work

Relationships with my kids, my grandkids, my sisters and with the family I've left behind for now, have been making me sad lately. I have been letting the guilt I feel when it comes to my kids get to me. I'm hoping it will pass as it usually does but to make matters worse Hubby all of a sudden seems to be missing me and pressuring me to come back. The holidays are approaching and he has a tendency to be sad around this time ... even though he does the actual holidays pretty well. He doesn't understand why I have to be here. The thing is I'm missing the grandkids on the other side of the country a lot and I am missing the nice warm Octobers they have there but I'm not missing all the built in stress of dealing with #1 and #2.

My relationship with #1 had deteriorated by the time I left. Something that was very distressing. She is basically a dear person. She has called me a few times and she answers the phone frequently so we talk. She also sends me photos of the kids. I've only talked to #2 once in these past couple of months and that was because she answered the phone and spoke to me very briefly; hubby was in the shower and she never gave him the message!!! Typical.

In my opinion plural marriage has pros and cons and one of the cons is the difficulty in dealing with sister wives. As I watch the TLC show Sister Wives I really concentrate on how well they get along. Even with the jealousies and all that, they truly like each other, love each other or so it seems. In the last episode I watched Kody, the husband, talks about how intricate and complicated the relationship is. First there is the "marriage" of all 5 of them. Then there are the separate and distinct "monogamous" relationship he has with each of the 4 wives. According to them they work on those a lot. Then, there are the relationships between each wife with one another! That's a lot of relationships!!! So in order for things to run smoothly all of those relationships have to be working. Of course I'm sure it's not perfect all the time, and they allude to the difficulties but the point is they each agree that it is all worth working on and they don't seem to have any animosities.

Another thing I've noticed is that they all seem to act like adults and don't go to Kody with their individual conflicts, when and if they occur. Even Christine, who has been worrying about her relationship with Kody, doesn't blame Robyn that Kody pays so much attention to her, she blames Kody and herself. It's refreshing.

I'm not sure #2 and I can ever live harmoniously with each other. Yes, we have some things in common, but our differences really stand out. If you came to our house you would notice it right away. In one of the recent Sister Wives episodes Janelle makes fun of (in a nice way of course) the way Robyn runs her relationship with Kody, all romantic and all...and Robyn defends herself saying that's the way her parents were all the time. That's what #2 does. The difference is #2 gets on everyone's nerves with the way she hovers over Hubby, and waits on him hand and foot like he is helpless or something. And the overtly sexual ways she has, the flirting and constant touching...oh and she'll complain out loud if she doesn't think she is having enough "private" time lol. It's quite annoying. Nope, sorry I don't miss that. She definitely has the Christine syndrome where she was used to being the "new" one for 15 years then I came along and spoiled that for her...in her mind, because Hubby certainly did his best to protect her feelings. It's hard for me to forget that it was her doing that led to me not living in my separate house.

I miss a lot of things. I miss watching tv with Hubby, discussing politics with him, cooking meals with him, but I don't miss the "marriage" of the 4 of us....yet. I feel badly about that but it's the truth. All of our separate and collective relationships need to be worked on,with the possible exception of Hubby and #2's marriage, and have for a long time. We tried occasionally to have little "wife meetings" which never seemed to change much of anything. Both of the other wives still go to hubby with their complaints about me, and I;m ashamed to admit I got in the habit as well....sigh.. I wish the others would understand that we need to "work" on all of it.

Age, Aging, Growing Old

I've had another birthday, and for that I am grateful...but man oh man, how did I get so old? I'm not kidding, I've never thought of myself as an old person. My parents were old...my aunts and uncles and grandparents. I am still the rebellious 20something who never did the ordinary thing. The underachieving, late blooming daughter, sister, wife, mother. When I turned 30 I was depressed for days. The good news is I have never looked my age, I've always looked younger, as did my parents..it's in the genes. The bad news is depression can still make you feel old even when you barely qualify.

When I met hubby, he was 15 years younger than I. He still is. I was in my mid 50s, and was feeling it, largely because of my unhappiness. Physically, I felt great. I had spent 25 years in a very unhappy marriage, a lonely marriage with a man who didn't encourage socializing. lol What an odd way to put it. Anyway, according to my children, I ran off to a new life to feel better about myself.

When I arrived in my new life, different part of the country, plural marriage and so forth, things changed. On the rare occasion hubby and I did something alone, perhaps a Jimmy Buffett concert, I felt happy and young. But we were rarely doing anything alone. And the first year was very, very hard. Just as everything was starting to click, I got sick..pretty damned sick. For the first time in my life I really felt my age, and looked it too. Chemotherapy will do that to you. What I'm trying to say also is that my age was an issue in my new family.. how different they are than my blood family.

Joking about my age, my oldness became a nightly sport around the dinner table. Then there was my role as grandma in chief, as far as babysitting duties were concerned. The climate where we live is not good for old people skin! Suddenly I had wrinkles and lines in my face. The diet put weight on me. I let my hair go (long story). During treatment I was bald anyway. I fell and re-injured a knee during that first year..so now I limped. Ugh, let's just cut to the chase..I had become old. I was not aging gracefully.

I was no longer attractive to my hubby...a man who didn't deal with illness well to begin with. The man who took me out of my cocoon and made me feel young and happy, contributed to my feeling old and decrepit. How did this all happen? I want to roll back the clock to my mid 50s and have a do-over.

Hubby said he missed spending my birthday with me...we used to go on vacation for my birthday and laugh, dance, horseback ride, eat, drink, and just always had a blast. For the 3 years and 4 and a half months I lived inside my plural marriage, we never took a vacation. It was lucky if we got out to dinner once a year without another wife or the whole bunch. We really were barely ever alone. And, I aged.

Next Phase

I don't know who of my old readers still look for my blog, some have stopped writing theirs. I hope this reaches some of them, and for the new readers please note..unless you read my whole blog you may misunderstand some of this.

I haven't written in quite a while. Some of this is due to that after becoming ill with breast cancer I just didn't have the energy to keep up with a blog. Some is due to the fact that I really don't want to be negative about polygamy. I am an avid follower of the TV series "Sister Wives" and I think it is true enough to be able to assume that it is totally possible to be happy in a plural marriage. It just depends on the participants.

That said. I am unhappy. At the on set of my illness I had great hope that this living situation would enable me to have more than my fair share of comfort and support. I found unfortunately that it was quite the opposite.

Hubby just was totally freaked out about the possibility of my dying (unreasonably so in my opinion). Wife #1 was a wonderful caretaker, she is in the medical field, works in an outpatient surgical facility, and was not squeamish at all about caring for me physically. Wife #2was at first distant and took to caring after the freaked out hubby, but eventually came around to where I have to admit we became closer. The problems began after surgical recovering and after chemotherapy started. The medicines in chemotherapy have many affects on the patient, not all of them are physical. I became quite cranky, and selfish. This is a house of many people, my patience was not up to par. Even though the married children live in another house, they spend a great deal of their time here in this house, and their children for all intent and purposes live here. They have had a third child. In any event, everyone more or less lost their patience with me. Especially #1 and hubby. Yes hubby.

That said, I will also let you know dear reader if you don't already, that a post menopausal, post chemotherapy patient who is currently taking post chemo medications goes through physical changes (probably emotional changes too). Not only am i self conscious of my new fake breasts, but I have other difficulties that are directly related to intimacy as well. Couple all of that with hubby's inability to feel physically close to me because he looked at me as a "patient" and you can only imagine what has happened. An almost irreparable schism in our physical and emotional relationship.

Now to be honest, none of this is uncommon in couples who have been through what we have been through. However, take in to account that we share a bedroom only 2x a week, and that many of those nights are also shared by a toddler who has sleep separation problems....well..you can get the idea.

I don't know what will become of us, truthfully. I am moving out temporarily to relatives across the country. Not in anger but out of necessity, we have a family emergency there that I must pay attention to. I am concerned though that it will force the end of what once was a beautiful dream.

Just another day of feeling obsolete

I really hate coming here to complain, but this is the only place where anyone would truly understand. I just don't feel right in a plural marriage at this point :/

It's the sister-wives. I've tried I think to empathize with them; to not interfere too much in their lives; and to be a friend to them. It's not working.

I've said before that I love #1. She is a trooper. She's loyal and steadfast and dependable. I don't know what I would have done without her after my surgery. I love her for accepting me and for being there for me. But...there is only one way to say it, she's gotten on my nerves of late. I'm starting to see the traits, after 2 years, that hubby used to talk about. She has taken to being a tad bossy and seems to lurk so that there is no chance for private talk in this house. Plus she calls the house roughly 12 times a day, sometimes more!!!! Ok so all of that isn't really that bad when I see it in print lol..

#2 is another story and frankly it's not ever going to change. She says she has tried to give me privacy with hubby. She claims she has accepted me...not. And her overt shows of PDA have lessened but just barely. The problem is two-fold. One, just her personality is irritating. By that I mean her lack of understanding and basic intelligence. Her life is all about her husband, our husband. She has nothing else, no friends outside the marriage and a job she dislikes and is always on the verge of losing. She's annoying in the way she repeats stories from her high-school days constantly and thinks she's an expert in everything - a quality that is laughable at best. Sorry to be mean but it's how I see it. While we get along better than we did in the past, I don't honestly see how we have achieved that. Second, I believe she really lives in her fantasy of the perfect white picket fence monogamous marriage..it's soooooo pitiful. Now, she has taken to once again complain about things that have to do with #1 and me to hubby behind our backs. ugh!! I hate that. Horrible to say, but it seems like he takes her word for it all the time because she gives off this religious, happy go lucky face all the time that you wouldn't think she was capable of deceit, or manipulation but trust me she is. Her latest thing is that #1 complains that #2 doesn't do enough around the house, so she complains that I don't do anything around the house. I will admit that I could do more and I did at first, until it got to be a thorn in my side. I, after all, did not raise the messy children, nor did I organize this household. Therefore I stick to certain chores. I do household laundry when it needs to be done, we all pitch in with that. I cook every other night except when I was at my sickest and couldn't. I do dishes when needed, I straighten and vacuum the living room and I clean up after myself as well as the grandkids when I'm taking care of them. Silly as it may seem I don't see why the other two feel that because they work outside the house they should be exempt from cleaning chores. We had a casual agreement that #2 would do the floors and the bathrooms. #1 would help with household laundry and dishes. And the last one to eat dinner (unfortunately for her usually #2) would put up the food for the night; finish loading and start dishwasher. Oh well.

All this brings me to today, my day - one of two. Hubby has had the stomach virus going around the family for the past three days. Apparently he felt hungry very early this morning and had #2 make him an egg!! Well what do you know? He got sick to his stomach again! Consequently, he has been in bed all day. Their bed. And she didn't leave his side until the very last minute she had to leave for work this afternoon, including giving him a sponge bath!! I felt like I was allowed to make him tea, and whipped up some jello for later. I was going to offer to draw him a bath after she left for work but... My point is, I feel totally unnecessary here, obsolete. That's really the brunt of my complaint. And I'm having a difficult time with it because it's something I have felt off and on since I got here. Oh and to top it off, #1 insists on taking him to the emergency room when she gets home in a little while.

I'm still longing for my own home. Something I feel everyone grown woman deserves.

Our Marriage Has Suffered...but feeling better

Wow I hadn't realized it had been a whole month since I last posted! BTW I also had been keeping a handwritten journal dealing with my illness and dropped that over a month ago. I think I was burned out.

Right now I'm feeling pretty ok. I have some lingering neuropathy, insomnia and forgetfulness but that's about all. I take a medication that is supposed to block estrogen to my system but oddly enough I am feeling more and more like my old self even in regard to sexuality.

I have resumed painting and am trying to get back to writing articles and poetry. It's slow going.

Our marriage has suffered..the marriage between hubby and myself. The one between us all is a little bit better but not enough to have me dancing in the streets lol..What can I say, 3 women, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room..ugh!! Thankfully Hubby purchased a good tv for my room when I first was diagnosed...at least I can disappear inside my own four walls. Our individual marriage? We are working on it. It's difficult to overcome some of the hard feelings I had during my recovery process. I wish I could explain it in more detail but I don't know if I can just yet. To make matters worse, in the past couple of months I have hosted the young grandchildren in my room very frequently, the youngest even staying in my room during sleepovers. During the day, the children prefer my television, for some reason, to the one in our living room which they have to share with whoever is around. My sanctuary has been violated but I love them still they are awesome grandkids. However, the opportunity for intimacy of any kind between myself and Hubby is less.

We have a schedule, a cock-eyed one, but a schedule non-the-less. My days are Thursday and Sunday.We each have two days/nights with Hubby having one supposedly to himself. I'm curious if those of you who have schedules have this "extra" day and what is done with it? Ana?

Anyway, I think polgamy is not a great place for reviving a marriage...just my two cents!

Dear HBO.COM and some real stuff

My heart is broken! The new website gives me no choice but to give away my identity to my family and friends and frankly that leaves me feeling I have to be careful of what I say. Plus they don't warn you until the end when you have to choose between three of THEIR suggestions, all of which contain either first name and last initial, first initial and last name or both names!! wth! grrrr withay where ever you are please tell me I'm wrong :) Plus I couldn't find a member created thread anywhere:/

I broke down last. At about 2 am I came out of my room and walked into Hubby and my office where #2 was sitting reading and Hubby was on the computer. I asked for a few minutes to talk to Hubby in private and then proceeded to cry uncontrollably and then Hubby called a family member who is a counselor and asked them to call the house. It was very helpful to talk to someone who had some understanding of my feelings. Of course unfortunately, this monopolized the rest of Hubby's night. I'm not sure if #2 was making a dig or not when she mentioned today that I had asked for a few minutes. Mind you, Tuesdays are Hubby's to do with as he pleases; Tuesday doesn't belong to any of the wives.

I think I am going to search poly blogs for posts about schedules...

Ramblings on stuff like FLEXIBILITY and sharing...

This time (2nd chemo treatment) not only did my blood count go south but I ran a temp so Hubby had to take me on doctor's orders to the ER. I wound up spending 5 days in the hospital. All's better now, for now and I finally have the strength to write.

I've been spending some time reading poly blogs (not always commenting sorry) and I can't help but think what a variety of people we are. How diverse our situations are and how differently we cope.

I was particularly touched by 3rd's latest post about Boss Baby. I hate to say it but it seems as though her Mr Hubby might actually be relieved of a burden should BB actually leave. I have a lack of empathy for her. I mean, I would never agree to be in a marriage where I only saw Hubby once a week! BB agreed to the situation, so should she be unhappy enough to leave then so be it. Hopefully, 3rd will get her day!

Is that mean of me? No, I don't think so. See, poly marriage is sooo complicated. One knows going in that sharing a husband is the concept, but in reality it can feel very lonely at times. Even though I would prefer to live in my own house, at least all under one roof we all at least get to talk to Hubby every day. And yes, sigh, we get to work out our difficulties with sister wives on a daily basis. There are times it's sort of like being in a constant "group therapy" mode. It's work but it can be rewarding. I often wonder what it would be like only seeing Hubby once or twice a week. What if I had an emergency, medical or otherwise? I think the living situation on Big Love is ideal, but how many people can afford all those houses? And yes, even all in one house it's possible to feel lonely. Loneliness arrives at the darnedest times; like in the middle of the night when there's nothing to be done about it.

Flexibility is something that one needs in spades in polygamy. Someone commented to me that I seem to be the most adaptable of the three wives in this house. I took it as a compliment but honestly it can be a curse at times. Here I sit today, my day, waiting for Hubby and #1 to come home from visiting their son in the hospital. Do I resent it? NO NOT AT ALL...on the other hand, it's obvious they went out to eat afterwards, and I am having Ramen noodles for lunch lol..Seriously though, I think perhaps 3rd's BB is lacking in flexibility. As is my #2. It makes life in polygamy that much more difficult for them. So, I'm glad I have at least some of it myself.

An Old Dog's Tricks

Cancer news:

I had my 2nd treatment a week ago this past Tuesday and once again my white blood cells have bottomed out right on schedule. No raw veggies, no pets/animals, no young children, no crowds and a slew of other restrictions. This time no Nupegen shots just antibiotics. Lots of fatigue but no rashes or anything so I consider myself lucky.

Normal News

Life here on what we affectionately call The Compound is back to normal now that summer is done. Summer is my very favorite season, even in Texas where it gets desert hot and dry. For us, autumn means less company coming over and more peace and quiet. #1 has struck up a friendship with my middle sister, the one that was here for my surgery. #2 has behaved better lol. Sorry but tis true. I have discovered since my illness that she means well for the most part. She is still overly chatty but I'm learning to tune her out. It only took a year and a half! Hubby has been great lately :)
Do I still yearn for my own living room and bathroom? Of course! I don't think that will ever change but I have grown to accept how polygamy works here finally. I think there would be less stress if we each had her own house but I understand where Hubby is coming from when he says it would be too much of a change for the other wives. He's right! A quick history story:
A long while ago there was almost another #3. She came very close to it. There was the getting to know the whole family thing, etc. She lived in the next town and had no desire to move here, so they tried it. No dice! Apparently, #2 has always felt that 9 am is the bewitching hour for her day! I can laugh now but honestly it's not amusing. The new let's try being a sister wife would pick up hubby in the late afternoon/evening when she got done with work. At 9 am SHARP #2 would be at her door looking to pick hubby up! No coffee or breakfast together or anything. When you consider that hubby's normal bedtime is after 2 am this was a huge problem to the new gal. HUGE. It didn't matter that her house was a 20 minute drive away. She was not going to get a minute of his time past 9 am. Oh, and both #1 and #2 would have to call in their good nights. I know how she felt, it's very disconcerting. #2 has done that to me and I live under the same roof!

It is very, very difficult to change an old dog's tricks. Do you think it's possible?

hair and polygamy

Well, my hair decided to fall out the slow way...thinning, not in clumps. Just as yucky a way though if you ask me. Finally, yesterday, I had enough of it and asked Hubby to shave the rest off. It wasn't pleasant for him but he did it. It's an odd feeling, having no hair. wow.

One thing about the living situation here that is a plus for me while I am going through this, Hubby is always here. I don't have to wait for my day to ask him to do something like that. I'm not totally alone in the house five nights a week. And there is usually a sister wife around...well, that's not always a plus lol but sometimes it is!

I miss painting and writing and I wish I had the ability to concentrate on those things. Other than that this has been a week of feeling pretty good.

Hubby keeps reminding me he loves me and keeps apologizing for having such a difficult time dealing with things. Sometimes I just wish he would shut up lol...I hope the sister wives appreciate all the "extra" time they have been having with him because when all is said and done I intend to make up for lost time!

Things seem to get worse before getting better don't they?

Well shortly after writing the last post I had my first post chemo treatment blood test. Not a good result. My white blood cell were down off the chart and I was put on a shot to boost them back to normal. I cannot tell you how lousy I felt. This particular shot gives some folks horrible bone pain, I was lucky that I only had that for a day..but what a day it was. On the third day the next blood test proved that I had mended quite well and I've started to feel better. So it seems I will have 2 yucky weeks and 1 good week. Hey that's better than all of them being bad right?

At the moment I'm feeling pretty good and hoping that Hubby notices. He has been getting very down about the way I feel and my lack of energy to do almost anything. I may even cook dinner tonight for the family! That will be great.

I may even venture to art class this week. Hopefully I will be lucky to have chemo treatment 2 be easier on me.

Everyone has been helpful, I feel badly that I complain but I know I do...one of the not so great character traits I've inherited I think.

I think I will take some of the advice posted here. Perhaps forgetting about the cancer for a day will be healing :) Thank you D~

Selfish Self-Centered Decisions and Feelings ~ Breast Cancer Issues in Polygamy

It feels like it's been a long time since I've written here. I know it hasn't been long. What's been happening is I could write something everyday but I don't want to over do it and bore everyone who reads.

Tuesday morning I went to see the so called famous Breast surgeon. In case you don't know there is one in every city and town. My sisters who only just found out about my plural marriage really wanted me to see this one doctor in the next city. I wanted to see her too. It's like if I'm going to lose my boobs please god let it be by the hands of a famous doctor, the most experienced doctor I can find. Well, I didn't like her. Neither did hubby and I could tell it wasn't because we had to drive to her city the night before so I could be on time for the early morning appointment. She just didn't seem to want to be my doctor. So decision made, staying close to home for surgery and treatment, now let's get on with it!

This is such a hectic time here in our house, besides what's going on with me. Kids home from school for the summer. More people in and out of the house than usual. Yard still not done. Extended family stuff. More chaos. Hubby loves activity. It can be fun but very hectic.

I will be traveling to visit friends and family next week. Then back here for all kinds of prep for the surgery/s. Oncologist visit; plastic surgeon visit; who knows what else. I feel badly that my surgery is going to interrupt everyone's lives around me. We may even have visits from my family - kids, siblings etc. yikes! Should be interesting.

I worry that Hubby will have too much on his plate. It will be difficult for him to make sure #1 and #2 aren't neglected, and knowing him he will feel they can't do without their allotted amount of time with him. When I think about that I just feel like crawling into a hole, and waking up when it's all over. Also I fear he will encourage #1 and #2 to fill in for him more often than not. I want them to help and I'm lucky to have two women living here who care for me. But I want Hubby as my prime caregiver, even if it means he's supervising someone else. Gosh. Polygamy complicates my disease and recovery, for me at least. Sometimes I don't like the way this family works, sigh, and I wish I could somehow get it to work better, smoother, flawlessly. Hubby thinks that means I'm unhappy here, but I'm not unhappy. I AM frustrated sometimes; my insides shout out for change but at the same time we laugh, we love, we have good times. Perfection is unattainable; should it be coveted? I don't know.

I don't want anyone to feel slighted or lonely. At the same time I selfishly want more of him. I want this situation to bring Hubby and I closer the way it might if we were monogamous - without pulling him away from the others. Ugh! Impossible maybe. Am I crazy? Wrong? Over reacting?

Decisions

I'm going with the poll results and going to incorporate the breast cancer into this polygamy blog. I may do a separate one also at some point.

Yesterday Hubby and I went to see the first breast surgeon I'm interviewing. #1 met us there. This is the surgeon I'm doubtful about but she turned out to be very nice. In my heart though I still have the nagging feeling I need another opinion. So I have an appointment with another surgeon in a few days..Someone highly recommended and with lengthy credentials and lots of years of experience. The problem is she's an hour or more away. This will be a big decision and a difficult one to make.

The good news is this doctor didn't feel that the cancer has spread. She said she can't be one hundred percent sure but she's pretty positive.

Here's the difficult thing about being in a plural marriage - it's hard to be selfish and self serving. But when you don't feel well, that's what you want to be. When you're scared that's what you want to be. When you're angry that's what you want to be. When you're sad that's what you want to be. More than ever I want Hubby to myself, but at the same time I'm grateful when someone else goes somewhere with him so I can sit at the computer and write, or hang out in my room and cry or nap.

Here's the good thing about being in a plural marriage - there are other people to do chores! It's hard to be depressed when surrounded by people laughing, swimming and in general having a good time.

Don't you just love summer? I love summer. Summer here is hot as hell but you can count on the sunshine which is great! It's always been my favorite time of the year. I feel younger, healthier and prettier in the summer. I don't get winter people.

I've been working on a garden in the area #2 wanted a new garden, it's been rough going because I got a late start and because the cats got to it, but Hubby's nephew is helping me now so hopefully something will grow and bloom there :)

Example of quirky difficulty in a plural marriage:

Buying beach or pool towels. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I decided the four of us needed two towels each. Sounds simple. Of course they have to be different so you can tell which are yours. Try pleasing everyone... For some reasons a little decision like that can result in conflict believe it or not! I guess I still feel the need to please everyone. Hubby has been complaining lately that he always feels like he has to please so many people at the same time. I know what he means.

Anyway, I'm lousy at decisions in general. Breast cancer involves many decisions. This part is going to be rough.

Tested

I'm being tested. Just when I think I've conquered most if not all of my challenges another one comes along. A couple of weeks ago Hubby discovered a large lump on my breast, large enough to be visible to the eye although under my breast where my bra goes. How neither of us noticed this before I don't know as it is 2x2 cm. A day and a half later I was at the doctors office who sent me for a mammogram. Since then, I've had yet another mammogram, several ultrasounds and won't know for certain what these lumps are. #1 has been quite helpful in regard to helping me locate the right caretakers and doctors. #2 hugs me more than usual and Hubby is treating me like I'm made of glass. I somehow have avoided freaking out.

If the news is very bad I'm going to be awfully pissed off at God for bringing me his challenge at this point in my life. I feel like I only started really living in the past couple of years. If the news is so so I'll/we'll deal. If the news is positive that's even better! This development has brought many changes to my life already. Hubby decided that I needed to tell my sisters about my lifestyle. I fought it but eventually gave in.

I'm sad about this.

So far two sisters know about my plural marriage. They told me they loved me no matter what. Then in the next conversation expressed sadness even grief that I seem to have "such low self esteem" as it was put! Asked to explain, very nicely they told me that they can't think of any other rational explaination which would allow me to "share" a man instead of having one of my own. It seems a good portion of the world shares that view. It's a view that may be true for some, but I don't think it applies to me. I know their opinion comes from the way we were brought up but nonetheless it bothers me. At the same time they acknowledge that they know Hubby takes good care of me. And that I am happy.

They also see my move to this state and this family as an escape from reality...in their minds I have run away from my former life, my children and them. One sister cries tears of sorrow that she lives too far away to be any help to me.

What to do? What to say in this situation? I have not a clue, truthfully.

I continue to work on my garden, though frustrated that the dogs and cats have wrecked some havoc. Watering the garden is like therapy for me.

I continue yoga instruction. And I continue painting.

All I would like is for life to keep going and for us all to be happy with our own lives and not judge.

Love, Romance, and How I got here.

Some plural families are formed out of religious belief as we all know, and some are not. All of Hubby's wives are here in this family out of love. At the time I first met our husband I had given up believing in romance; I had failed miserably at it before so it was something I thought was best to not even think about. But love came back into my life when as the cliche goes, I was least expecting it.

I was unhappily co-existing with my then husband. I had older teenage children that I was praying would hurry up and grow up so that I could make my move toward independence. We met online originally but soon struck up a real friendship. I found him very easy to talk to and I think he did me. I knew he had two wives from the very first, before we ever met in person. It seemed to me at the time that all of his life angst came directly from the living in a plural situation and needing to be all things to all people. That's not exactly true but it was definitely part of it. We both suffered from depression, he more than I or at least I thought so. As time went on our friendship grew to something else. I was desperately in love with a man who would never be mine. We didn't see each other for a year and a half. Our lives were very busy without each other. But I couldn't get him out of my mind and we talked everyday. We've always talked frequently. Once I was estranged from my marriage we saw each other again as though we had never stopped. But the question of plural marriage loomed behind us like a cloud about to burst into storm.

Polygamy goes against my traditional thoughts of romance and love. Doesn't everyone want to be someone's one and only? After much back and forth I agreed to visit where he lived and meet the women who could wind up being my sister wives. I don't think they liked me much at the start, but I was pleasantly surprised and taken off guard by their overall loving plural marriage. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't think real love would have anything to do with it.Hubby seemed happy with them, I was somewhat disappointed, I'll admit. Disappointed and jealous. I'll admit that too. When I pointed out to Hubby that the situation wasn't what I had expected; that I thought he was miserable with them; he pointed out that all that was missing in his life was me. He loved them of course but he couldn't shake that he needed me in his life to feel content.

I'd been in love before and it has never ended well. I just didn't know what to do in this case. We were so close I wondered how well I could do without him.

He made me laugh, smile and feel younger than my years. He thought I was funny and he made me feel prettier than I am. He didn't mind that I was smart. I made him feel loved for who he is, with no further expectation or agenda. I think I gave him a certain confidence. We went on several trips; our relationship was full of love and adventure. Was I ready to give that up and go back to being plain old me? The answer obviously was no. I struggled with my decision for a very long time. I didn't want the music to end but wasn't quite ready to leap into the fire of a plural marriage.

I had all my life been a very jealous person. By some magic I learned to deal with my jealousies. I will say that Hubby is very good at putting me at ease. There has been from the beginning resistance from #2 but everyone else in the family welcomed me with open arms. Once I realized that 2's resistance came from feeling in some ways threatened by me, I realized that jealousy works both ways. Oddly that made me feel better.

It wasn't just the jealousy that had me concerned. It was also all of their collective history, of which I was no part. I was a newcomer, the noob, the outsider. That scared me. Then Hubby made it clear in an indirect way that he couldn't be happy without adding to the family and that he wished that person to be me but if not, this was who he is. I would never be his one and only but he would do his darndest to make me feel special in other ways.

So that is how I came to be a plural wife. For all it's flaws it's a situation that works for him, and now for me. It is built on love. It may be different than your love but it is love just the same. A love story with a twist as Hubby's niece has called it.

The transition from a candidate for plural wife and actually being one has been messy at some times; frustrating and even hurtful. It's also been fun and frantic. I think I might just be getting used to it.