Family News

I have so much to talk about today but I'm going to try to limit the number of topics. It feels like forever since I've been here.

I'm sorry to see that Third is thinking of not writing anymore :( I so enjoyed reading her and hope she returns to her blog.

My #2 - well we are in an odd place at the moment. Somehow we are closer, but I have no clue how that happened...maybe I've come to the realization that her relationship with hubby is way complicated? All I know is I've noticed he agrees with a lot of my criticism of her but chooses not to dwell on her faults, which is admirable. Only wish he didn't hold me to a higher standard, as complimentary as I could take that! I feel sorry for #2, her family lives far away and her grown children who are closer are not close to her for whatever reason. I see her as a wounded bird in some ways, one that no one can help.

My #1 is going through a difficult time right now. She seems unhappy one minute and happy another. She keeps a great deal inside. Family is very important to her and hubby but they have some difficulties with their kids that are taking a long time to resolve.

Hubby is, hubby. He is much moodier than during our lengthy courtship but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that unfortunately it's his nature. Good news here though ....drum roll please...he is going to let me move to the other house!!!!!! He feels his son and his family need help with the house and all, and I feel (something tells me he agrees) "our" relationship will benefit from me being next door....Amen and Halleluah!!!

Wish me well on the move please...the son is not happy about it and has slowed the move to a virtual halt. However, I am visiting my family for a month very soon and that will give them time to get the house ready for me. I'm also somewhat worried about a new living situation; the inevitable jealousy it will probably bring; the conflict with his son and his son's wife maybe; and the temptation for me to turn it in to MY house and have girlfriends over for lunch; a glass of wine; to watch a movie etc. How I miss that aspect of living alone!!!

Just another day of feeling obsolete

I really hate coming here to complain, but this is the only place where anyone would truly understand. I just don't feel right in a plural marriage at this point :/

It's the sister-wives. I've tried I think to empathize with them; to not interfere too much in their lives; and to be a friend to them. It's not working.

I've said before that I love #1. She is a trooper. She's loyal and steadfast and dependable. I don't know what I would have done without her after my surgery. I love her for accepting me and for being there for me. But...there is only one way to say it, she's gotten on my nerves of late. I'm starting to see the traits, after 2 years, that hubby used to talk about. She has taken to being a tad bossy and seems to lurk so that there is no chance for private talk in this house. Plus she calls the house roughly 12 times a day, sometimes more!!!! Ok so all of that isn't really that bad when I see it in print lol..

#2 is another story and frankly it's not ever going to change. She says she has tried to give me privacy with hubby. She claims she has accepted me...not. And her overt shows of PDA have lessened but just barely. The problem is two-fold. One, just her personality is irritating. By that I mean her lack of understanding and basic intelligence. Her life is all about her husband, our husband. She has nothing else, no friends outside the marriage and a job she dislikes and is always on the verge of losing. She's annoying in the way she repeats stories from her high-school days constantly and thinks she's an expert in everything - a quality that is laughable at best. Sorry to be mean but it's how I see it. While we get along better than we did in the past, I don't honestly see how we have achieved that. Second, I believe she really lives in her fantasy of the perfect white picket fence monogamous marriage..it's soooooo pitiful. Now, she has taken to once again complain about things that have to do with #1 and me to hubby behind our backs. ugh!! I hate that. Horrible to say, but it seems like he takes her word for it all the time because she gives off this religious, happy go lucky face all the time that you wouldn't think she was capable of deceit, or manipulation but trust me she is. Her latest thing is that #1 complains that #2 doesn't do enough around the house, so she complains that I don't do anything around the house. I will admit that I could do more and I did at first, until it got to be a thorn in my side. I, after all, did not raise the messy children, nor did I organize this household. Therefore I stick to certain chores. I do household laundry when it needs to be done, we all pitch in with that. I cook every other night except when I was at my sickest and couldn't. I do dishes when needed, I straighten and vacuum the living room and I clean up after myself as well as the grandkids when I'm taking care of them. Silly as it may seem I don't see why the other two feel that because they work outside the house they should be exempt from cleaning chores. We had a casual agreement that #2 would do the floors and the bathrooms. #1 would help with household laundry and dishes. And the last one to eat dinner (unfortunately for her usually #2) would put up the food for the night; finish loading and start dishwasher. Oh well.

All this brings me to today, my day - one of two. Hubby has had the stomach virus going around the family for the past three days. Apparently he felt hungry very early this morning and had #2 make him an egg!! Well what do you know? He got sick to his stomach again! Consequently, he has been in bed all day. Their bed. And she didn't leave his side until the very last minute she had to leave for work this afternoon, including giving him a sponge bath!! I felt like I was allowed to make him tea, and whipped up some jello for later. I was going to offer to draw him a bath after she left for work but... My point is, I feel totally unnecessary here, obsolete. That's really the brunt of my complaint. And I'm having a difficult time with it because it's something I have felt off and on since I got here. Oh and to top it off, #1 insists on taking him to the emergency room when she gets home in a little while.

I'm still longing for my own home. Something I feel everyone grown woman deserves.

A learning experience for all of us

I think I shall write books, and get rich and famous; that would suit me, so that is my favorite dream. Louisa May Alcott

I'm loving the quote of the day on my blog! As a child Louisa May Alcott was my favorite author and a heroine to me. I completely wore out my copy of Little Women! I saw myself as her...writing books and becoming rich and famous. Can you imagine that?! Instead I blog lol..

So today I'm going to tell you about this neat thing that was #2's idea and it's going to be great! We have an old wooden shed in the yard that she's been working on, and with the help of a contractor relative it will be airconditioned, water proof and all..it will be finished before the summer so that's a good thing. It will be our little hideaway, private space if we need it, or a place to share if we need that too. We both write, I paint and she has hobbies. So does #1 so it will kind of be a hobby place! Hubby takes photographs and wants to start doing portraits so he'll set up a portable studio in there for that. I really think it will work out to be very nice, enlarge our living space and maybe even be something to bond over :)

I named this blog, My Journey....because that's what it is. A journey, a learning experience. But not just for me, for all of us. OK well maybe mostly for me since I'm new lol..I think it is going to be a wonderful summer this year.

Yet another challenge..

The new year has brought us another challenge!
For about 15 months the oldest son here and his wife plus two kids have lived in a house behind ours. The house I originally purchased for myself.
They are very young and don't manage their finances well, and over the holidays let their utility payments go, you can guess that result!
So they have moved in here for a week until things get taken care of...let's hope it's a week.

As it is I babysit anywhere from 3-6 days a week while they are working if they have a schedule conflict. I am crazy about those children so it's not much of a burden usually. However..now with this new situation they are ALL sleeping here and here 24/7 - its' the weekend so they are off.
OMG, there are 10 of us in this one house at the moment!

In cases like this (emergencies) I tend to go with the flow and just raise up my hands and give in to it....but you have NOOOOO idea how messy these young people are! And how tight it is in the house. Under ordinary circumstances they are here a lot anyway, but now they don't leave at 7 or 8 pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The living room is totally taken up by their MESS. It's hard on them I'm sure, but it is really a test for us.

#2 is particularly cranky lately...more on that another time.
#1 is getting cranky which is unusual for her.
Hubby has conceded that his privacy and living room time are severely compromised!!!
and I am trying to stay out of the way!

So here I sit in front of the computer...it's no more private in here...remember it's the weekend, and the teenager isn't in school and had the audacity to invite a friend for the weekend! oh my friends that is another topic...how I differ from everyone else in child rearing/teenager dealing!

People wonder what I get from blogging?

Kids Growing Up

Our youngest son is sixteen. The age when boys are perhaps at their most sexually curious, if not active. He told me the other day that the first time he saw his father kiss me he felt uncomfortable. It made me a little sad. He has never lived in anything but a plural family. When he was born, #2 was already here, and she had a big part in helping to raise him. I'm hoping his uncomforableness stems from the lengthy period of time between #2 and then my arrival. He has a girlfriend now and since having one he has become more open and communicative. I think the young lady asks questions about our lifestyle. She's a sweet girl.

None of hubby's sons (the only children who live here) are at all interested in living in polygamy. They don't "judge" it they just say it's not for them. I wonder if this is really so or if it is because our family's lifestyle isn't based on religious belief or salvation. As far as I know the married son has no desire for another wife, and she has out and out said she wouldn't want to share him. The middle son accepts our lifestyle but openly says he thinks it's "weird". When pushed to explain, he says things like: Why would anyone want that? In other words, no concrete answer. The young man with the new girlfriend says things like he just can't imagine loving more than one person.

So why do they reject how we live? This is something that weighs on hubby's mind. I think he worries that somehow they have been unhappy with his and his first wife's decision to have a plural marriage. Do we seem unhappy to them? I highly doubt that. To be honest, I think the two biggest negatives are the "out of the norm" way of life, and main streamed kids don't like to be different from their friends. The other negative would be lack of privacy. It is almost physically impossible to have secrets (not that I want any) and it seems as though everyone knows when Dad sleeps with who. I've mentioned bathrooms before and it sounds petty but it seriously isn't when you are a teenager, or even a middle aged woman like myself. A bigger house might help.

I think those two so called problems are even worse than the friendship issue. By the way, the poll indicated an even split among folks who voted. So the question of whether or not one can have a "normal" social life is still a big question.

But back to the kids. I believe I mentioned that they don't keep this secret for us. That indicates that they aren't embarassed or ashamed. But they still seem to reject the lifestyle for themselves. I think more pragmatically. I think how lucky they have been to always have a parent figure at home. In the past, the three adults more or less took turns depending on various things, either working from home or not going to work so someone would be here for the kids. That was a financial sacrifice. I think, they are very fortunate now to have built in babysitting for their young children, and a lovely home that we collectively bought so they could live nearby. Things like that. The neighbors tolerate us and have at times been friendly. The people next door over the years have invited this family to special gatherings in their home. There has really been no ostracism, in the neighborhood or at school. Hubby's extended family is warm and welcoming to all of us and they live nearby.

There are other practical matters that are positive too. For instance tonight Hubby wanted to watch a movie I had no inclination or desire to watch. But hey, not my night! lol :) Stupid things like I don't have to watch any Science Fiction or Star Wars stuff. I only have to cook every other night! Someone else makes sure the bills are all paid. It's really nice that I don't have to worry about that.

So what do you think the kids are rejecting?

Added a figet and ready to roll...life lately :)

As the seasons change and the holidays approach I've been doing some reflecting on life lately. What a couple of years I've had!

Married into a plural family, left my job and fast paced lifestyle, moved across the whole country, became a step parent and a grandmother almost all at once! It's no wonder my head still spins sometimes. As each obstacle or challenge comes it is dealt with but wow, it is still dizzying sometimes! Please take note~ I didn't say it was negative.

Oh there are still a few issues but I am starting to feel ready to deal with them in a better more positive light.

Life lately is good overall. The hippy commune/college dormitory style of living here isn't all that terrible, really it isn't. Would I still LOVE to have my own bathroom? Well of course! Doesn't everyone want one? :)

My relationship with my sister wives is getting closer. I have come to accept that #2 and I will probably always have issues, but we do have some things in common, I just have to focus on those things somewhat more. We both love comedy, things from "back home," we are both resistent to change in general, and we both love this family! Her lack of boundaries remains the largest issue, but I don't think it's possible to change another human being, and the Serenity Prayer comes in very handy at certain times. :)

Truth be told, right now my largest concern has little to do with the sister wives, the hubby, and more to do with ME. I am a social person. I am given to recluse when depressed, or lacking funds, but I have always had a bevy of friends and acquaintances to call upon for conversation, debate, hugs, and fun.

The other day, I mentioned to hubby that I don't know how I will ever make friends here. His response was to get a part-time job. Easier said than done. I tried for a while. I was either over qualified, too old (yes I know that shouldn't matter but ask anyone who has experienced age discrimination, it exists), or there was nothing available that I was qualified to do! I gave up, but I will go back to looking.

I'm not sure that is the answer though. I wish I knew what the answer is. The plural lifestyle is inhibiting. I don't want my family to be a "curiosity" for acquaintances I make or friends I cultivate. I honestly don't know how to handle this particular problem. Also, all my life I have had friends of every persuasion, color, sexual orientation and gender. No one else in this family has friends of the opposite sex for instance. I can foresee it being problematic. But I may be worrying about nothing.

The largest obstacle to outside friendships though is the lack of privacy to entertain. This isn't a small house, but there are alot of people in it. Plus there would have to be a certain level of trust in the friendship before I would consider inviing folks over. The friendships that already exist here are long standing, none of them 'my" friendships. Sometimes I see where the people who live on compounds have it easier in that regard..ONLY in that regard though. If you've ever watched Big Love on HBO, you can see that the women have few if any outside friends, there is the one plural family they associate with and that's basically it. The teenagers have limited friendships and poor Margene wanted Pam the neighbor, for a friend which worked out badly. I think it's a fair portrayal of the social interaction in plural lives.

On the plus side, it almost is impossible to be lonely!

If anyone has any advice, counsel or commentary on this subject I would love to hear it.

Funny in a Plural Marriage Kind of way

So I have mentioned before that all three wives here have agreed and told Hubby that 3 is enough! There just aren't enough days in the week to divide him anymore, even though we all live under one roof and see him everyday. We agree, he teases about it, then he'll say he's just kidding etc. But I do feel badly sometimes because I know he would like another child and I can't give him one.

Last night was my night and we went to bed very, very late in the wee hours of the morning. At about 7:30 am Hubby woke and said he would be right back. At about 9:30 #2 opened my door and said we had surprise company, a cousin that just moved back here, and hubby was visiting with her. Well, to be honest I didn't know if she (the cousin) knew or not about our lifestyle so I decided to stay in my room. During that time, #1 called from work to say that someone needed to pick up the 16 yr old from school because he was sick. Hubby said well I can't because I'm busy interviewing #4 for the job and she wants to talk to you. Cousin got on the phone in the sexiest voice she could muster and said hello I'm looking forward to meeting you tonight what time will you be home? #1 replied, late, very LATE. Then of course Hubby grabbed the phone and told her who it was LOL.

As #1 said, funny in a plural marriage kind of way. We all had a good laugh though.

And laughs have been hard to come by for me lately.

Today is #2's day off and luckily for her, her day with Hubby. Yes, she considers the whole day to be her day even though we live under one roof and I'm retired. She's weird that way, it stems from before I got here and she would have a week day off that #1 didn't have so she would have him all to herself from morning through night. Then I move here and I'm retired, hubby works from home, and she thinks I have all this "spare" private time with him. Not taking into consideration the kids, the kids friends, the grandkids I babysit etc. So on her day, the grandkids don't come over, she dresses all pretty and sits around, not doing housework until a day comes that's not "hers" and she is off. This puts me in an unfunny frame of mind lol. Consequently the day starting off with a joke was a nice thing :)

I don't know whether I'm just naturally selfish or just a cranky person but living like this under one roof does get in my craw at time. I am starting to think though that some spirituality might help me cope.

Patience Among Wives, How Much Is Necessary?

Patience is something that is needed by all co-wives I think no matter where they are in the pecking order, don't you think?
I mean, the first wife - well basically alot if not all first wives are probably saints. I'm going to be blunt honest here. I don't think I would ever go for this plural marriage thing if my marriage started out as monogamous. Maybe if I had become frigid or tired or my husband and bitter. MAYBE. But let's face it first wives give up stuff.
The second wife I'm thinking needs patience with the first wife's acceptance of her. Then she needs patience with the third wife, sigh. The third wife, etc.

But I am out of patience! I have empathy for both my co -wives. I like one alot, she is beginning to feel like a sister. The other one I'm trying to like with all my heart. But I've run out of patience. We had one blow up already and I'm not ready for another but gosh. I need prayer. I need something to help me with her, #2. Now, just as things were simmering down, the schedule more or less better than it was...#2 and I actually not full blown competing etc..her work schedule changes!! She gets home later but leaves alot later, not until 12:30 pm!! She never stops yakking among other annoying habits..God help me! Plus she has started to whine again about housework. That totally pisses me off. Last night she did this thing she does whenever she washes her rather long, thick hair. I'm going to share it just so you don't think I'm a mean person.

After washing her hair, she calls hubby into the bathroom. EVERY time she washes her hair which thankfully is only 2-3 times a week. She calls, he runs. So a few weeks ago I asked him what she wanted. Are you ready for this? She needs him to...pick the loose hair off her wet back!! I'm not kidding.

Harmless you say? Uh huh, that's what I thought too! Somewhat needy and childish but harmless. So last night it happened again. I was tempted to shout out, "You know #2 it would be easier and quicker to just powder your back and use your towel." But no, I zipped my mouth because I'm trying.

Guess what I found out? Come on you already guessed, and you're right. I know this because hubby told me finally because he wasn't feeling well and because it happened to be my night.

Should I confront her? I'm not sure. Hubby hates those confrontations. He would rather I do something like next time follow him into the bathroom and say something sassy, which will cause him to laugh and say something smart back. Break the ice then have the conversation. So, I'm going to TRY to be patient about it.

What do you think? I am hoping for a male's perspective too, anyone lurking my blog who fits that gender description, please chime in.

Compromises

In other places I have written about compromising. To me it is the number 1 negative in a plural marriage even above sharing.
Some one recently wrote in their polygamy blog that they hate living with cats!! Oh did I so relate!
I hope you all don't get tired of reading about compromising because I am fixated on it. As a plural wife, compromising is a huge part of my life and I have to assume with most plural wives.

Whether it's living with cats, dogs, turtles or ferrets...
What color to paint the bathroom...
Where to hang the new hammock in the yard...
Or cleanliness standards...
Compromising is a pain, and a constant reminder that it's not your nest. If nothing else.

I guess if everyone had their own house like on HBO's Big Love, it might be simpler. But no matter what, so much time is spent together, at least in our marriage, and then of course there are the inevitable compromises in the schedule - if there is a schedule. We have one, I highly recommend it.

Compromising so much puts a lump in my throat, is that childish? That's the way I'm feeling tonight, sort of childish and selfish.

#2 here does the least compromising. I always wanted to be one of those girls in high school who has things under control "one way or another." She's one of those girls and I'll be damned but I will figure out one day how she does it.
#1 is total sacrifice and compromise. Makes me sad some days.
Me- I am not sure where I'm at on it cept I don't like it. It was really hard moving in to someone else's house though. I want to take the whole kitchen and rearrange every last thing so stuff is where I need it when I cook. Hubby says I will do that one day and to just be patient. It bothers him that I get sad about compromising, but I can't help it. This is all still very new.

Beginnings...

let's see... Hubby and I met over a shared hobby, became really close friends and eventually fell in love...however, knowing he was a practicing polygamist with two wives already, I was not keen on the idea of sharing him so I didn't think the day would ever come that I would become his wife. Over a period of approximately 5 years,we would drift apart, we would stay close friends and confidantes, we would fight our feelings and then start all over...his wives knew he was considering me for a 3rd and wanted to meet me, we met...I guess they liked me. The kids all combined liked the idea of "us." It just was a very difficult decision for me to make because on top of never ever having him to myself, I knew I would have to move several states away, half way across the country, which for me was a huge sacrifice and change at my age.

Finally after weeks of waiting for #2's ideas on the whole subject and give her blessing, we had a ceremony last September with the four of us. #1 liked me from the get go and we had almost an instant kindred spirit sort of thing between us from the start. I was, and sometimes think will always, be wary of #2.

For several months, and after visiting and staying at the house many times (uncomfortably I will add),I was concerned about where to live when I move down permanently. That is really a tough tough decision. So tough I keep putting it off. Choices are: 1)my own room in the house Hubby currently shares with #1 and #2. 2) My own house which at the moment is occupied by a son and daughter-in law and 2 grandbabies and is next door to the other house. 3) Somehow share that house with the children or 4) build an addition on to the house the other members live in at the moment so that every wife has her own room. (presently they share a room). Hubby said I should start off in the first home so I get used to all living under one roof. But I so like my space so we'll see.

At any rate, I came to realize too late that #2 didn't like the idea of me having my own home to escape to, or for Hubby to escape to. It seems she thought, even though she had been told that it would probably happen, that there would never be a #3, and as it turns out of all of us, she is the least comfortable with plural marriage. This doesn't stop her from quoting the Bible on polygamy every now and then though...but that's a story for another time.

So..that is more or less how it came to be that all three wives in our marriage live under one roof. I have my own room thankfully, but it's not something I would recommend for anyone seeking peace and quiet.