I am trying out Gray/Grey

I wish the color gray/grey didn't have two spellings because I can never decide which to use and don't know if there is a difference. At any rate, I seem to be trying out gray hair. Sigh. I've been coloring my hair since I noticed that the little bit of gray I had wasn't so little anymore. Yes, a long time. I've bleached it; highlighted it; covered it; and since moving in with my former hubby basically just colored it to cover the gray and lighten it a bit. I loved being blond so I try to move in that direction.

Why did I stop highlights etc you ask? Well dear friends who are interested in polygamy, my sisterwives at the time didn't have as much income as I had and could not afford to go to a stylist on a regular basis. I was encouraged to do as they did and make do with inexpensive home coloring. What can I say? I'm a jerk sometimes.

Anyway, my sister has been helping me color it now that I'm truly poor; and she's been doing a good job. But she's very busy; works two jobs and is newly married. I always feel like I'm imposing. So now I'm overdue. Very overdue, as in a couple of inches of gray blending in to the dull blondish rest of the head..Everytime I think about going to the store to buy color something stops me. I don't know what.

I've always looked younger than my age. I've seen photos of myself at 45, 50 and so forth and it's true. I always looked at least 5-10 years younger. Then I got sick. Before long, I started looking my age except for the lack of gray hair.

So there you have it. I'm old. We all get old I just didn't think it would happen to me so quickly. My how time flies....and not just when you are having fun.

Something tells me I will give this up, this trying to be gray thing, because gray seems to look best on women who wear a lot of makeup. I don't have the energy nor inclination for that I'm afraid. We'll see.

Oh, did I mention that boob I was in a plural marriage with keeps trying to contact me? I'll leave that for another post.

An Update of Sorts

I haven't posted in almost a month because honestly, I don't have much news. Things are the same. The new doctor was nice enough and I have no bad news to report from tests and such. Thanks for asking though BC.

Well, ok, there is something that is irking me. Hubby's youngest son is getting married. It's not the marriage that is irking me, although I am one of those people who believes in folks waiting until their life is on track before taking that leap. He and his fiance are young. Too young in my opinion but they've been together through high school and initially were going to wait even longer (he's only 19 and she's just about 18) but they have their parents blessing. So what irks me is they are getting married on hubby and my anniversary! Not their fault. Hubby and the sister wives forgot. Then the plan was made and there was no turning back. Honestly, I don't know how they could have forgotten because anniversaries were always a big deal in our house. Perhaps they just didn't think I would care. In any event, it irks me.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this but this young couple, again with both sets of parents agreeing, are living in my room at the moment, until they get a place of their own which could be god only knows when. Now what bothers me about this besides the obvious things, is that supposedly (and I hope so) my "things" were packed up and put away safely. I guess I'm feeling frustrated at the moment. I just hope and pray that my personal belongings aren't "lost" in a storage shed somewhere. Or worse, still in the room being used by everyone, or should I say "broken." A trip down there isn't feasible at the moment I'm sorry to say.

To add icing to this "delightful" cake, my family here has turned against hubby and the whole plural marriage thing. I think another fall out from my illness has been that my family, kids, sisters, etc. wants me to be near them more than they did. When I first moved across the country for a new life, though skeptical about polygamy (once they knew about it), they were at least glad for me that I felt I had found happiness. It was hard not to notice at the time how changed for the better I was after meeting hubby. Someone commented once that it was as if I had come back to life. I looked younger, happier, prettier, and was definitely more actively engaged in the world at large instead of just my "career."

Anyway, that's it for today. I will try to post more frequently.

All Relationships take work

Relationships with my kids, my grandkids, my sisters and with the family I've left behind for now, have been making me sad lately. I have been letting the guilt I feel when it comes to my kids get to me. I'm hoping it will pass as it usually does but to make matters worse Hubby all of a sudden seems to be missing me and pressuring me to come back. The holidays are approaching and he has a tendency to be sad around this time ... even though he does the actual holidays pretty well. He doesn't understand why I have to be here. The thing is I'm missing the grandkids on the other side of the country a lot and I am missing the nice warm Octobers they have there but I'm not missing all the built in stress of dealing with #1 and #2.

My relationship with #1 had deteriorated by the time I left. Something that was very distressing. She is basically a dear person. She has called me a few times and she answers the phone frequently so we talk. She also sends me photos of the kids. I've only talked to #2 once in these past couple of months and that was because she answered the phone and spoke to me very briefly; hubby was in the shower and she never gave him the message!!! Typical.

In my opinion plural marriage has pros and cons and one of the cons is the difficulty in dealing with sister wives. As I watch the TLC show Sister Wives I really concentrate on how well they get along. Even with the jealousies and all that, they truly like each other, love each other or so it seems. In the last episode I watched Kody, the husband, talks about how intricate and complicated the relationship is. First there is the "marriage" of all 5 of them. Then there are the separate and distinct "monogamous" relationship he has with each of the 4 wives. According to them they work on those a lot. Then, there are the relationships between each wife with one another! That's a lot of relationships!!! So in order for things to run smoothly all of those relationships have to be working. Of course I'm sure it's not perfect all the time, and they allude to the difficulties but the point is they each agree that it is all worth working on and they don't seem to have any animosities.

Another thing I've noticed is that they all seem to act like adults and don't go to Kody with their individual conflicts, when and if they occur. Even Christine, who has been worrying about her relationship with Kody, doesn't blame Robyn that Kody pays so much attention to her, she blames Kody and herself. It's refreshing.

I'm not sure #2 and I can ever live harmoniously with each other. Yes, we have some things in common, but our differences really stand out. If you came to our house you would notice it right away. In one of the recent Sister Wives episodes Janelle makes fun of (in a nice way of course) the way Robyn runs her relationship with Kody, all romantic and all...and Robyn defends herself saying that's the way her parents were all the time. That's what #2 does. The difference is #2 gets on everyone's nerves with the way she hovers over Hubby, and waits on him hand and foot like he is helpless or something. And the overtly sexual ways she has, the flirting and constant touching...oh and she'll complain out loud if she doesn't think she is having enough "private" time lol. It's quite annoying. Nope, sorry I don't miss that. She definitely has the Christine syndrome where she was used to being the "new" one for 15 years then I came along and spoiled that for her...in her mind, because Hubby certainly did his best to protect her feelings. It's hard for me to forget that it was her doing that led to me not living in my separate house.

I miss a lot of things. I miss watching tv with Hubby, discussing politics with him, cooking meals with him, but I don't miss the "marriage" of the 4 of us....yet. I feel badly about that but it's the truth. All of our separate and collective relationships need to be worked on,with the possible exception of Hubby and #2's marriage, and have for a long time. We tried occasionally to have little "wife meetings" which never seemed to change much of anything. Both of the other wives still go to hubby with their complaints about me, and I;m ashamed to admit I got in the habit as well....sigh.. I wish the others would understand that we need to "work" on all of it.

Sister Wives, the show and me

So...the new season of the TLC show Sister Wives started last night. For about a week or so, the Brown family, minus a pregnant Robin, made appearances on early morning talk/news shows and were the subject of commentary on other shows. I didn't pay much attention except I did get annoyed when a talk show host I otherwise admire made some derogatory comments like, "it's kind of disgusting" and such, and lumping the Browns and others like them in with the "bad" polys like the infamous compound in Texas. I couldn't believe it.

Let me just say this about the Browns. You should watch the show, even try to see the last season if possible on demand or however. It's so interesting! I remember feeling upset when they decided to add a 4th wife, but they handled it very well, and I got over my feeling that the others would have to sacrifice too much. The husband first of all, jeesh, I don't know where to start, but he should be cloned. He has faults I'm sure, and that is evident in the insecurities that were discussed when they were adding #4, but he is unbelievably fair. He has his struggles but he really seems to let the wives run the family in daily matters. Their original living arrangement was awesome! All three wives under one roof but separate apartments, which gave them dignity, respect and autonomy. By the way they did and still do now that they are in 4 separate homes, have an every 3/4 night rotation. The schedule I have always preferred, so everyone gets their chance at a Saturday night or whatever it is you want. Even. Fair.They don't discuss their sex lives at all but we know that means where he sleeps, and spends time.

I ADORE these people! They are far from disgusting! They are almost awe inspiring. They took a huge, perhaps unnecessary risk outing themselves on national TV and thus went under investigation in Utah. They are maybe a tad too idealistic. But they genuinely love and respect one another...really, you should check it out.

That said, I get to feeling a little bit wistful when I watch the Browns. I wish my life had turned out so peacefully and even keeled. There may be something to the notion of wives choosing the wives..Merri wife #1 grew up in polygamy and basically chose #2 who basically introduced everyone to #3 and then years later, Merri encouraged Kody to consider #4...she still felt jealous but it's worked itself out. Jealousy at the Browns as in I'm guessing other poly homes, is rarely if ever about sex..

Curious if any of you have watched and what you think..I'll admit it's a bit Polyannaish but I like it!

Off Course

Wow seems I'm posting a lot! There is just so much on my mind.

I feel like I've failed here. I feel as though no one here likes me, let alone loves me, except for the small children. Look, truth be told, I'm a pretty opinionated person, always have been. I've tried to keep it under check because folks here don't like opinionated people it seems. I'm from New York, New Yorkers tend to speak their mind. For thirty years I lived with a man who tried to suppress me, then I met this man and he seemed to like everything about me....well his family doesn't and his family is very important to him as it should be. I have been thinking of all of them as my family also but there is a great deal of truth to the old axiom "blood is thicker than water." None of my blood is involved in this family. Even #2 is the mother of the wife of hubby's oldest son. Ouch! Have I ever mentioned that before? Well it's true. Everyone here has a place, I'm the misfit. This is no one's fault. It just is. I am easily disposed of, not that anyone has tried to dispose of me god forbid, but it's an underlying truth.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so negative, I think perhaps it's because I went through something that required me to be loved unconditionally and I wasn't. That's it.

Then honestly there is the fact that I didn't raise these grown-up children and I don't understand them anymore than they understand me. I don't feel respected by them.

Gosh, this post has gone way off course, sort of like my life. I'm just very, very sad that I'm leaving and I want them to want me to return. I want someone to show in someway that I will be missed. Someone just the other day asked me if hubby was spending more time with me than normal because I'm going away...I was puzzled. What do you mean I asked. The response was you know, has he said to the other wives, #3 and I need some extra time in the next few weeks, to do things together to cement our bond....WOW. What a concept! The answer..NOPE. And there doesn't seem to be any intention to do that. I casually mentioned this conversation to Hubby just now and he got that puzzled look he gets...and said, we spend every day in the office together. Um so does #2 so do all the children...um..no that's not what I meant Hubby dear. And, just as when I was lying in bed suffering from my bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo, no special consideration was given then, none will be given now. That my friends is the crux of the problem. It's every woman for herself here.

Next Phase

I don't know who of my old readers still look for my blog, some have stopped writing theirs. I hope this reaches some of them, and for the new readers please note..unless you read my whole blog you may misunderstand some of this.

I haven't written in quite a while. Some of this is due to that after becoming ill with breast cancer I just didn't have the energy to keep up with a blog. Some is due to the fact that I really don't want to be negative about polygamy. I am an avid follower of the TV series "Sister Wives" and I think it is true enough to be able to assume that it is totally possible to be happy in a plural marriage. It just depends on the participants.

That said. I am unhappy. At the on set of my illness I had great hope that this living situation would enable me to have more than my fair share of comfort and support. I found unfortunately that it was quite the opposite.

Hubby just was totally freaked out about the possibility of my dying (unreasonably so in my opinion). Wife #1 was a wonderful caretaker, she is in the medical field, works in an outpatient surgical facility, and was not squeamish at all about caring for me physically. Wife #2was at first distant and took to caring after the freaked out hubby, but eventually came around to where I have to admit we became closer. The problems began after surgical recovering and after chemotherapy started. The medicines in chemotherapy have many affects on the patient, not all of them are physical. I became quite cranky, and selfish. This is a house of many people, my patience was not up to par. Even though the married children live in another house, they spend a great deal of their time here in this house, and their children for all intent and purposes live here. They have had a third child. In any event, everyone more or less lost their patience with me. Especially #1 and hubby. Yes hubby.

That said, I will also let you know dear reader if you don't already, that a post menopausal, post chemotherapy patient who is currently taking post chemo medications goes through physical changes (probably emotional changes too). Not only am i self conscious of my new fake breasts, but I have other difficulties that are directly related to intimacy as well. Couple all of that with hubby's inability to feel physically close to me because he looked at me as a "patient" and you can only imagine what has happened. An almost irreparable schism in our physical and emotional relationship.

Now to be honest, none of this is uncommon in couples who have been through what we have been through. However, take in to account that we share a bedroom only 2x a week, and that many of those nights are also shared by a toddler who has sleep separation problems....well..you can get the idea.

I don't know what will become of us, truthfully. I am moving out temporarily to relatives across the country. Not in anger but out of necessity, we have a family emergency there that I must pay attention to. I am concerned though that it will force the end of what once was a beautiful dream.

Schedules

I don't think I've ever elaborated about schedules here..in my old blog maybe. But schedules are important in polygamy in my humble opinion.

When I first arrived here the three who were in the marriage already didn't have a schedule at all..it was more or less equal time in the first few years from what I've been told, then it was catch as catch can..with #2 catching the most time (from what I've been told and can tell). All and all no one minded this arrangement, which also was pretty dependent on the work schedules of each individual. And they had a "marriage bed" that they all shared..I think I've mentioned that before.

Anyway, along comes little old me. I say, ok guys we need a schedule!! And I watch as they all fall down. I was imposing my belief on them and honestly I really thought it would be a piece of cake.

So, three wives, 7 days, I suggest 2 days/nights each with a rotation somehow of the 7th day/night. We all look at the calendar and the other two wives each want one of their days off of course, and preferably two (all). Well that wasn't always going to work. We also occasionally switched nights which Hubby found confusing and unsettling. I think in the beginning we did 2+2+2+1. Then someone noticed that someone would be getting 3 in a row once in a while..revisit the calendar.

Then we changed to what I liked which was every other day kind of thing, what is referred to sometimes as a Round Robin Schedule. This was pretty fair in my opinion. Of course some months or weeks someone would get the third day/night therefore initiating talk and strife over the whole dang thing. #2 HATED this schedule because her time didn't always fall on her days off. After a month or two of her whining, Hubby took control of it and changed the schedule.Each of us with 2 days/nights and the supposed extra or 7th day/night being his to do with what he liked, go out, play cards, spend more time with the kids or whatever. He turned out to rarely do that. Which I of course knew would happen. I dislike this schedule for reasons that make me sad. At first Hubby would alternate his place of sleeping on that "extra day" then slowly, especially after my surgery, he took to always sleeping in the other room. He says he thinks of that as his room because it was for so many long years..advice to those contemplating a polygamous marriage...try not to enter in to one where all other parties involved have been involved for many, many years. Makes sense if you think about it.

Anyway, I took to researching this schedule thing. One family I found on the internet did a three/four; three/four; on alternating weeks and nicely if one wife was away for a few days she got a day or two extra to re-bond with the husband. If the husband and one wife went away to see family or vacation, the wife left home would get that extra day or two upon their return. This was an extremely civilized family who unfortunately don't blog anymore or I would point you in that direction.

Everyone seems to have their own type of schedule, some not as organized. It is supposed to help with jealous feelings, resentment etc and I think it does.

Now, for an odd reason I find myself thinking to hell with the schedule let's just do whatever comes naturally or whatever hubby wants, or something along those lines..let's just chuck it all out and be less organized and more free spirited. Let's have some spontaneity .. let's be romantic???? Maybe

Just another day of feeling obsolete

I really hate coming here to complain, but this is the only place where anyone would truly understand. I just don't feel right in a plural marriage at this point :/

It's the sister-wives. I've tried I think to empathize with them; to not interfere too much in their lives; and to be a friend to them. It's not working.

I've said before that I love #1. She is a trooper. She's loyal and steadfast and dependable. I don't know what I would have done without her after my surgery. I love her for accepting me and for being there for me. But...there is only one way to say it, she's gotten on my nerves of late. I'm starting to see the traits, after 2 years, that hubby used to talk about. She has taken to being a tad bossy and seems to lurk so that there is no chance for private talk in this house. Plus she calls the house roughly 12 times a day, sometimes more!!!! Ok so all of that isn't really that bad when I see it in print lol..

#2 is another story and frankly it's not ever going to change. She says she has tried to give me privacy with hubby. She claims she has accepted me...not. And her overt shows of PDA have lessened but just barely. The problem is two-fold. One, just her personality is irritating. By that I mean her lack of understanding and basic intelligence. Her life is all about her husband, our husband. She has nothing else, no friends outside the marriage and a job she dislikes and is always on the verge of losing. She's annoying in the way she repeats stories from her high-school days constantly and thinks she's an expert in everything - a quality that is laughable at best. Sorry to be mean but it's how I see it. While we get along better than we did in the past, I don't honestly see how we have achieved that. Second, I believe she really lives in her fantasy of the perfect white picket fence monogamous marriage..it's soooooo pitiful. Now, she has taken to once again complain about things that have to do with #1 and me to hubby behind our backs. ugh!! I hate that. Horrible to say, but it seems like he takes her word for it all the time because she gives off this religious, happy go lucky face all the time that you wouldn't think she was capable of deceit, or manipulation but trust me she is. Her latest thing is that #1 complains that #2 doesn't do enough around the house, so she complains that I don't do anything around the house. I will admit that I could do more and I did at first, until it got to be a thorn in my side. I, after all, did not raise the messy children, nor did I organize this household. Therefore I stick to certain chores. I do household laundry when it needs to be done, we all pitch in with that. I cook every other night except when I was at my sickest and couldn't. I do dishes when needed, I straighten and vacuum the living room and I clean up after myself as well as the grandkids when I'm taking care of them. Silly as it may seem I don't see why the other two feel that because they work outside the house they should be exempt from cleaning chores. We had a casual agreement that #2 would do the floors and the bathrooms. #1 would help with household laundry and dishes. And the last one to eat dinner (unfortunately for her usually #2) would put up the food for the night; finish loading and start dishwasher. Oh well.

All this brings me to today, my day - one of two. Hubby has had the stomach virus going around the family for the past three days. Apparently he felt hungry very early this morning and had #2 make him an egg!! Well what do you know? He got sick to his stomach again! Consequently, he has been in bed all day. Their bed. And she didn't leave his side until the very last minute she had to leave for work this afternoon, including giving him a sponge bath!! I felt like I was allowed to make him tea, and whipped up some jello for later. I was going to offer to draw him a bath after she left for work but... My point is, I feel totally unnecessary here, obsolete. That's really the brunt of my complaint. And I'm having a difficult time with it because it's something I have felt off and on since I got here. Oh and to top it off, #1 insists on taking him to the emergency room when she gets home in a little while.

I'm still longing for my own home. Something I feel everyone grown woman deserves.

Our Marriage Has Suffered...but feeling better

Wow I hadn't realized it had been a whole month since I last posted! BTW I also had been keeping a handwritten journal dealing with my illness and dropped that over a month ago. I think I was burned out.

Right now I'm feeling pretty ok. I have some lingering neuropathy, insomnia and forgetfulness but that's about all. I take a medication that is supposed to block estrogen to my system but oddly enough I am feeling more and more like my old self even in regard to sexuality.

I have resumed painting and am trying to get back to writing articles and poetry. It's slow going.

Our marriage has suffered..the marriage between hubby and myself. The one between us all is a little bit better but not enough to have me dancing in the streets lol..What can I say, 3 women, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room..ugh!! Thankfully Hubby purchased a good tv for my room when I first was diagnosed...at least I can disappear inside my own four walls. Our individual marriage? We are working on it. It's difficult to overcome some of the hard feelings I had during my recovery process. I wish I could explain it in more detail but I don't know if I can just yet. To make matters worse, in the past couple of months I have hosted the young grandchildren in my room very frequently, the youngest even staying in my room during sleepovers. During the day, the children prefer my television, for some reason, to the one in our living room which they have to share with whoever is around. My sanctuary has been violated but I love them still they are awesome grandkids. However, the opportunity for intimacy of any kind between myself and Hubby is less.

We have a schedule, a cock-eyed one, but a schedule non-the-less. My days are Thursday and Sunday.We each have two days/nights with Hubby having one supposedly to himself. I'm curious if those of you who have schedules have this "extra" day and what is done with it? Ana?

Anyway, I think polgamy is not a great place for reviving a marriage...just my two cents!

Ramblings on stuff like FLEXIBILITY and sharing...

This time (2nd chemo treatment) not only did my blood count go south but I ran a temp so Hubby had to take me on doctor's orders to the ER. I wound up spending 5 days in the hospital. All's better now, for now and I finally have the strength to write.

I've been spending some time reading poly blogs (not always commenting sorry) and I can't help but think what a variety of people we are. How diverse our situations are and how differently we cope.

I was particularly touched by 3rd's latest post about Boss Baby. I hate to say it but it seems as though her Mr Hubby might actually be relieved of a burden should BB actually leave. I have a lack of empathy for her. I mean, I would never agree to be in a marriage where I only saw Hubby once a week! BB agreed to the situation, so should she be unhappy enough to leave then so be it. Hopefully, 3rd will get her day!

Is that mean of me? No, I don't think so. See, poly marriage is sooo complicated. One knows going in that sharing a husband is the concept, but in reality it can feel very lonely at times. Even though I would prefer to live in my own house, at least all under one roof we all at least get to talk to Hubby every day. And yes, sigh, we get to work out our difficulties with sister wives on a daily basis. There are times it's sort of like being in a constant "group therapy" mode. It's work but it can be rewarding. I often wonder what it would be like only seeing Hubby once or twice a week. What if I had an emergency, medical or otherwise? I think the living situation on Big Love is ideal, but how many people can afford all those houses? And yes, even all in one house it's possible to feel lonely. Loneliness arrives at the darnedest times; like in the middle of the night when there's nothing to be done about it.

Flexibility is something that one needs in spades in polygamy. Someone commented to me that I seem to be the most adaptable of the three wives in this house. I took it as a compliment but honestly it can be a curse at times. Here I sit today, my day, waiting for Hubby and #1 to come home from visiting their son in the hospital. Do I resent it? NO NOT AT ALL...on the other hand, it's obvious they went out to eat afterwards, and I am having Ramen noodles for lunch lol..Seriously though, I think perhaps 3rd's BB is lacking in flexibility. As is my #2. It makes life in polygamy that much more difficult for them. So, I'm glad I have at least some of it myself.

An Old Dog's Tricks

Cancer news:

I had my 2nd treatment a week ago this past Tuesday and once again my white blood cells have bottomed out right on schedule. No raw veggies, no pets/animals, no young children, no crowds and a slew of other restrictions. This time no Nupegen shots just antibiotics. Lots of fatigue but no rashes or anything so I consider myself lucky.

Normal News

Life here on what we affectionately call The Compound is back to normal now that summer is done. Summer is my very favorite season, even in Texas where it gets desert hot and dry. For us, autumn means less company coming over and more peace and quiet. #1 has struck up a friendship with my middle sister, the one that was here for my surgery. #2 has behaved better lol. Sorry but tis true. I have discovered since my illness that she means well for the most part. She is still overly chatty but I'm learning to tune her out. It only took a year and a half! Hubby has been great lately :)
Do I still yearn for my own living room and bathroom? Of course! I don't think that will ever change but I have grown to accept how polygamy works here finally. I think there would be less stress if we each had her own house but I understand where Hubby is coming from when he says it would be too much of a change for the other wives. He's right! A quick history story:
A long while ago there was almost another #3. She came very close to it. There was the getting to know the whole family thing, etc. She lived in the next town and had no desire to move here, so they tried it. No dice! Apparently, #2 has always felt that 9 am is the bewitching hour for her day! I can laugh now but honestly it's not amusing. The new let's try being a sister wife would pick up hubby in the late afternoon/evening when she got done with work. At 9 am SHARP #2 would be at her door looking to pick hubby up! No coffee or breakfast together or anything. When you consider that hubby's normal bedtime is after 2 am this was a huge problem to the new gal. HUGE. It didn't matter that her house was a 20 minute drive away. She was not going to get a minute of his time past 9 am. Oh, and both #1 and #2 would have to call in their good nights. I know how she felt, it's very disconcerting. #2 has done that to me and I live under the same roof!

It is very, very difficult to change an old dog's tricks. Do you think it's possible?

Selfish Self-Centered Decisions and Feelings ~ Breast Cancer Issues in Polygamy

It feels like it's been a long time since I've written here. I know it hasn't been long. What's been happening is I could write something everyday but I don't want to over do it and bore everyone who reads.

Tuesday morning I went to see the so called famous Breast surgeon. In case you don't know there is one in every city and town. My sisters who only just found out about my plural marriage really wanted me to see this one doctor in the next city. I wanted to see her too. It's like if I'm going to lose my boobs please god let it be by the hands of a famous doctor, the most experienced doctor I can find. Well, I didn't like her. Neither did hubby and I could tell it wasn't because we had to drive to her city the night before so I could be on time for the early morning appointment. She just didn't seem to want to be my doctor. So decision made, staying close to home for surgery and treatment, now let's get on with it!

This is such a hectic time here in our house, besides what's going on with me. Kids home from school for the summer. More people in and out of the house than usual. Yard still not done. Extended family stuff. More chaos. Hubby loves activity. It can be fun but very hectic.

I will be traveling to visit friends and family next week. Then back here for all kinds of prep for the surgery/s. Oncologist visit; plastic surgeon visit; who knows what else. I feel badly that my surgery is going to interrupt everyone's lives around me. We may even have visits from my family - kids, siblings etc. yikes! Should be interesting.

I worry that Hubby will have too much on his plate. It will be difficult for him to make sure #1 and #2 aren't neglected, and knowing him he will feel they can't do without their allotted amount of time with him. When I think about that I just feel like crawling into a hole, and waking up when it's all over. Also I fear he will encourage #1 and #2 to fill in for him more often than not. I want them to help and I'm lucky to have two women living here who care for me. But I want Hubby as my prime caregiver, even if it means he's supervising someone else. Gosh. Polygamy complicates my disease and recovery, for me at least. Sometimes I don't like the way this family works, sigh, and I wish I could somehow get it to work better, smoother, flawlessly. Hubby thinks that means I'm unhappy here, but I'm not unhappy. I AM frustrated sometimes; my insides shout out for change but at the same time we laugh, we love, we have good times. Perfection is unattainable; should it be coveted? I don't know.

I don't want anyone to feel slighted or lonely. At the same time I selfishly want more of him. I want this situation to bring Hubby and I closer the way it might if we were monogamous - without pulling him away from the others. Ugh! Impossible maybe. Am I crazy? Wrong? Over reacting?

Important Things

Here I am again!
2 posts/ 1 day
I'm impressing myself.

Anyway, if you scroll down you'll see a breast cancer awareness pink ribbon. I confess that I used to avoid those. Walks, runs, benefits, all avoided because of the symbolic pink ribbon. In my private world, breast cancer did not exist. Out of the blue not long ago I started to let go on the avoidance somewhat. There are all these cute, upbeat, breast cancer sayings on the internet.I haven't missed the irony of having those particular words in one sentence.

"Save second base," is one. Very cute, almost sexy and geared for my generation. Does second base even exist today?

"Save the TaTas," is another. Girlfriendy (sorry not a real word)and sassy.

There are others. I like them. They send their message without making me think of death.

They are many times accompanied by the pink ribbon. Hubby and his oldest son got tattoos of the pink ribbon with my name in it. I was deeply touched.So..the pink ribbon is added to my blog.

Gosh, you all have become my girlfriends in my new life, even you Hidden Sage! I mean that in the best sense you can think of HS. This is what I'm missing from my sister wives. Much as I love #1 and have come to appreciate some of #2's qualities,somehow I can't ramble with them, or vent, or gossip or any of that girl chatter we women can do that is as meaningful as it is silly. You, the readers here, are that for me. Even, I dare say those anonymous folk from a few months ago that trolled our blogs just to pick a fight. We all have had girlfriends that rubbed us the wrong way at times.

So the point is, it crossed my mind that the forces more powerful than I, won the avoid the pink ribbons battle with me. Let me tell you I'm not talking about God, but something or someone whose intention is to get my attention. Or, something that could be saying, "pay back's a bitch." Karma perhaps. However, in an attempt to stay positive and receptive to good power, I'm pushing those thoughts from my mind.

Now you know why I'm angry. Important things high up on the shelf went ignored for years. I'm angry at myself.

A learning experience for all of us

I think I shall write books, and get rich and famous; that would suit me, so that is my favorite dream. Louisa May Alcott

I'm loving the quote of the day on my blog! As a child Louisa May Alcott was my favorite author and a heroine to me. I completely wore out my copy of Little Women! I saw myself as her...writing books and becoming rich and famous. Can you imagine that?! Instead I blog lol..

So today I'm going to tell you about this neat thing that was #2's idea and it's going to be great! We have an old wooden shed in the yard that she's been working on, and with the help of a contractor relative it will be airconditioned, water proof and all..it will be finished before the summer so that's a good thing. It will be our little hideaway, private space if we need it, or a place to share if we need that too. We both write, I paint and she has hobbies. So does #1 so it will kind of be a hobby place! Hubby takes photographs and wants to start doing portraits so he'll set up a portable studio in there for that. I really think it will work out to be very nice, enlarge our living space and maybe even be something to bond over :)

I named this blog, My Journey....because that's what it is. A journey, a learning experience. But not just for me, for all of us. OK well maybe mostly for me since I'm new lol..I think it is going to be a wonderful summer this year.

Anniversary

Our hubby has not one, two or three anniversaries to remember but 4! We have our individual anniversary - #1 their original wedding day. #2 I think it's the day they commerate her joining the family. #3 (me) The day we met. #4!!! The day I officially joined the family and we had a collective ceremony. The other day was my personal anniversary. And it was lovely!

Hubby surprised me with breakfast in bed, then we went out for a very extravagent and wonderful dinner in a romantic spot. When we got home, we had cake with the grandkids and kids and sister wives. He also had flowers delivered to our home.

He is very good at special days. I'm not. :( I always seem to botch them in some way and never really know what to do, if a gift is appropriate or all that.

Yes, yes, there were moments that tugged me back to the realities...you can guess what they were, I don't want to spoil my mood. But it really was a lovely day and it happened to fall on my usual day so there wasn't any switching around or anything. thankfully because it's always a hassle when we do that.

Other good news:
#2 if finally back to work - she was laid off for two whole weeks!
I seem to be getting along with the teenagers somewhat better!
I've been here 11 months and I think the worst of the adjustment period is over!

Interesting note:
The 16 yr old son woke me up during a nap before dinner on my anniversary night with a startling question: "Do you think it's right for Dad to kiss #2 on your Anniversary day?" wow
THAT was out of the blue. I think I said something like well that depends why? And he said something like, well I don't. And he walked out of my room!! Turns out he also confronted his dad with that question!!!
Hubby tried to explain to him that he would never reject affection from his wives and that there was nothing wrong with an affectionate kiss on anyone's day. I explained to hubby that probably the question arose because #2 is KISSY very frequently and it amuses us all to an extent and it also is odd given the length of their relationship...of course he responded that we all hug him or vice versa any day but that #2 was just expressing her insecurities on my special day as per usual and I didn't seem so upset about it, why should it upset his son? hmmmm

Suburban Polygamy #1

I read and post the forums on HBO's Big Love website..and the subject of Responsible Polygamy has come up. Everyone of course has their opinions but I've come to one conclusion that goes for any type of plural marriage one would enter into..mine is a little bit like the Big Love marriage in that it is what I would call Suburban Polygamy, instead of the compound type.

The most important thing for harmony in a suburban plural marriage or any plural marriage is something I find myself surprised to say...I think it's very necessary for there to be a strong, responsible, fair and kind but also structure inclined FIRST WIFE.

Let me explain from my own perspective which isn't all that good! The first wife in our marriage is sweet and kind, devoted to the family, hard working and fair, BUT she doesn't have much spine and has let #2 over rule her or manipulate both her and hubby for YEARS AND YEARS. I come along and expect a little bit of special treatment because I am so new to this lifestyle and #1 agrees to a point. #2 however, in her insecurity and clinginess has a difficult time giving up her "newness" 16 years into the marriage!!! #1 can only guide but #2 doesn't listen. She is the Nicki from Big Love in our marriage, without the sexual hang ups.

Because of confusion in a structural way, I wind up having to take charge sometimes when it isn't really my place, that only adds more confusion and resentment and around it goes in a vicious cycle. All the while hubby watching and waiting for his turn to speak up and take the ultimate charge of whatever situation is in the works being discussed and argued over. This puts hubby in an unfair position because occasionally he has to be the bad guy or make someone unhappy................ that then makes me mad! #2 will cry and #1 will retreat to her room.

If she were stronger, and was willing to risk being disliked on occasion the way Barb, the first wife in BL is, things would go smoother. But she's not. She hates conflict.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that most people don't realize the importan role the first wife has, nor how hard it is for sister wives to get along and really LIKE each other most of the time. The people in Big Love at least have their own houses, their own place where they are the ONLY woman in the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room etc. Thankfully, I bring no children to this marriage or it would be more difficult.

Living under one roof is extremely trying. The moments for intimacy of any kind are fewer I believe. I have to remind myself to leave time for romance and fun as I'm sure the others do. A strong first wife would somehow in someway make it easier...am I wrong? Maybe, maybe I'm looking for a scapegoat. I'm not sure but I would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this.

Things get better

So, hubby told me that he expected me to have a sit down with the other women and hash all this out. Not an easy task as #1 avoids conflict of any kind, and #2 is hard to communicate with..but I gave it a try..minus number 1 who said she would defer to my judgement but needed to get to sleep early and had hubby's blessing.

We talked..with me trying very very hard to be non confrontational. I told her that the number one thing she does that drives us all crazy was her going to hubby like a child going to Daddy to tattle. That this was a totally unacceptable practice and she had been told this before. That I understand her not liking her day to be "ruined" so to speak but that she still had the whole evening and whining and sulking just put hubby in a bad mood and the rest of us feeling like a nice day had been spoiled by the baby of the family! Well..she took this all in and agreed. She made sure to tell me that she still felt I wasn't a submissive wife lol oh well get used to it cause this is me! And she buttered me up by saying that she understands that my sense of humor might be different than theirs. hahaha.. ok it was a decent talk which continued into the next day...hey she is a talker! She thinks that the women should take at least one Sunday a month to do girl things..shopping, antiquing, browzing, lunch, tea, whatever so that we can bond. She explained tthat she knows hubby treats her with kid gloves but that is the way it has always been..(I wonder why) and that she loves me like a sister and is feeling less and less jealous and insecure..she ADMITTED that the first few months were very hard for her and she compensated by being overly hovering and smothering to hubby and she feels badly about that now because I must have been uncomfortable..(jee ya think?)

All and all it was an ok sit down. We both reported to hubby that we would try harder which is all he asks and that was that. Oh one good result! She made herself a reading corner so that on my day she doesn't have to sit 6 inches from hubby all evening reading a book. lol We shall see! But it's a start. I told her that I would try to arrange more alone time for her.

Honestly - under the same roof is a volitle and dangerous way to live! I dislike it but I'm getting used to it. It's easier on hubby so he says and I will admit that it has given me the opportunity to know these people intimately. All the good with the bad. I do still long for my own living room and kitchen and bathroom..sigh. And someday it may happen. Just not now.

As for the schedule..it's staying the way hubby made it for now too..give me a couple of months :)

Week from Hell

Damn her! yes - I don't care if that sounds horrid. If you read my back story at all you know how important the schedule is and how elated I was when it changed to something I was more comfortable with. The problem started last Sunday and it's been..well welcome to my week from hell.



Hubby and #1 wanted to surprise me by taking me to the casino (something I've expressed an interest in since the casino story in Big Love) and a place where Hubby and #1 have gone on infrequent occasion to relax. They never bring much - Hubby says never bring more than you're willing to lose. Anyway, it had been a long time since any of us had done anything frivolous and they had just received their tax refund. They tried to plan it for #1's day but the plan got foiled by the kiddos. The next day, mine, something else got in the way. Sunday was #2's day. She usually goes to church but had decided not too so off we went. Only #1 and hubby knowing exactly where at first. Well true to form #2 clung to hubby's side all day even though he gave us each a small amount of money to play the slot machines with. I didn't care because it was fun anyway and I didn't lose anything except winnings, broke even. We had a really nice time, ate a nice meal, and enjoyed ourselves except that #2 was antsy to get going home and somehow managed to royally piss off hubby (unusual for her) as we were leaving. Of course this resulted in pouting and sulking the whole way home. And I swear this almost 50 year old woman reverses to the posture of a child when she sulks. It's sooooo annoying. We were home by 7pm I think.



The next morning the weather report was bad, saying we might get an ice storm (btw it didn't arrive for a couple of days) so mid morning #1 called me to ask if I would mind switching days with her since she would stay at relatives near work. Let me explain.



We used to have assigned days broken up evenly with a different one getting 3 each week. To me it seemed unrealistic and sometimes I would have 4 or 5 days in between. Plus it meant that whoever had Saturday always had Saturday etc. We changed all that to a rotation schedule. Something #1 and I brought up to #2 and she agreed, as it turns out reluctantly because if she didn't get one of her days off (which happened occasionly ) she would be upset to have only the evenings and mornings. ugh. Of course when HER work schedule changed to where she didn't leave for work until 12:30 pm, she wound up with every morning anyway but thats' a WHOLE nother story



So of course I said of course but hubby overheard and said NO, we weren't going to do any switching because the schedule needed to be changed. omg! I nearly dropped the phone and #1 was going oh no on the other end. We went back to assigned days with hubby giving #2 one of her days off each week.



Apparently, according to hubby, someone was unhappy with the schedule and it had to be changed. That someone didn't come to her sister wives to talk about it, she went directly to hubby at 3 am when he was trying to sleep!



As #1 said, she got her way. Took her several months to get it but she got it. Now for the great part. You have to just love karma! The very next day, her boss changed her days off!!!!! I kid you not. All hubby said to her was...we are NOT changing the schedule again. pfft.



Well today was her day off. He always has to pander to her and go on some kind of excursion whether he wants to or not. As I said to him, her demand make the rest of us back away to give him space. They returned from their excursion with hubby in a mood. Apparently the purpose for the trip to the mall was so she could talk uninterrupted and spend time griping about me! (along with her usual "wish I could stay home and take care of the house and hubby instead of going to work" gripe. How well she and #1 got along before I came along but now 1 and I gang up on her, talk about her, and all kinds of other good stuff. How happy they all were before they had to fit me into their lives. WHY on earth he would tell me she said all this I don't know, but I'm saving it. Putting it in a little drawer somewhere to be pulled out when I need it. My response to hubby was - yes everyone was happy because #1 would spend the entire evening every evening in her room watching tv while #2 played house - monogomy house! And if you were to ask #2 if that was fair she would say - #1 chose to do that and besides she is the only one who can visit him in the hospital, etc etc etc.............



You know what's weird? This all happened immediately after I had a night with hubby and we were discussing how FINALLY everything seemed to be falling into place, how the household had developed at last a nice rythmn, how are financial problems were ironing out and we were all getting along and how happy he was feeling.



One good thing happened this week though - I started my classes!

Holidays

This is the second Christmas I'm not in my old home town with family and friends. My fourth Christmas not spent with my entire family, and for some reason this is the worst one yet.
We are all getting along famously here so that's not it. The only one criticising the way I do things is you know who, and I can't help that. I'm just sitting here wondering when I will if ever have the money to send for my children for the Holidays, or when will I ever get back there for a holiday, or when I will get used to being part of a new family. You see everything isn't always about polygamy. Sometimes it's just about a new marriage. Hubby god bless him is very good at holidays, if he weren't I would be miserable. He has one steadfast rule..no arguing or fighting during holiday time..wow it's wonderful. :)

I got most of my gifts mailed off so that's a good thing.

Melting into a new family sucks frankly. It's difficult but it's coming along. The second son, the high schooler I think is back in my court and has come to realize why he liked me in the first place. He is the one with all the poly questions. The other night he asked us the adults to all turn off the tv to ask us a question. He said his girlfriend wanted to know if any of us ever wished we were the only wife. #2 said sometimes, #1 was already asleep in their room, and I said nothing. He continued to say that his gf hopes he doesn't ever want to be polygamous and he told her NEVER! lol..

Oldest son well, he resents another person coming between he and his dad, another woman to compete for his dads attention or conversation.

Middle son could care less lol

The grandbabies feel like they are mine but I still miss the biological ones big time. I miss staying up all night and talking with my oldest kid, I miss my youngest's hugs. Heck I even miss his bitchy wife sometimes. lol

The friend issue is so unresolved. I've never had so few friends outside family. It feels unreal but I think it's a tough thing to make and keep friends in this situation other than job place friends. #1 comes close to being like a friend and a sister. #2 doesn't understand that if all she lives and breathes for is hubby than how can we be like sisters or best friends? Does anyone else find that kind of thing troublesome to them in their plural marriage?
Don't get me wrong, out of everyone I am closest to hubby and love him to death..but I'm used to having gfs to confide in, shop with, even watch tv with, have a glass of wine and be girly with.

Ah, the Holidays. They get you thinking and sometimes even a bit melancholy. But we can't live without them.

Some of my thinking has changed about plural marriage

This process has changed me for the better in a lot of respects. However my beliefs about polygamy have also changed somewhat. I thought, naively, that the best way to enter in to a polygamous marriage was through the "romantic" way. WRONG! That is probably the most difficult way to begin this journey.

At least that is what I have come to believe. Let me tell you why if I can..

I believe in romance. It concerns me when I hear about people who are in arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Romantic love, I have always believed, is the heart and soul of a marriage. In some ways I still believe that but for a plural marriage it is the one thing through which difficulty arises, making sexual jealousy, compromise, sharing everything, children, legalities, housework, all pale.

Now I have truly come to believe that this is a situation best entered in to through the hearts of the women. When women in a marriage choose as best as they can, the new member of the family. Are you shocked at me? You see, I just can't bring myself to "love" #2 in a way that would make life easier around me. She annoys the hell out of me. Sorry. I've learned to get along with her. I even can tolerate her incessant talking more than before, and frankly I think she has come to respect that I can't LISTEN constantly. I rarely find a person I can't be friends with, but I have found one in her. I really am I swear, a pretty tolerant person. But this woman has so many character flaws, and immature qualities, that there is no way I would have ever chosen to spend this much time with her. I've probably said this all before but it bears repeating simply because I've also noted that there have been some improvements. The thing is, if you are going to live in the same house with someone who has NO OTHER LIFE, and they are totally dependent on you and hubby for conversation and entertainment, you best adore her company!

The thing is hubby DOES adore her company. He admits she annoys him. He'll admit she's a dingbat, matter of fact that is the family's nick name for her. He'll admit that she is childish and irresponsible. That she manipulates people into getting her own way even about simple things. But I can tell he enjoys her company, even though he doesn't enjoy her chatter. The reason is plain, she worships him. However, that is one of the qualities I find so annoying. I mean WORSHIP. She refuses to do anything but utter compliments and criticises me for having the nerve to occasionally say things like "dear, I don't think you want to do that" or "Honey, wouldn't it be better if we did this tomorrow." Or, when he asks for opinion, she always agrees with him even if in private she'll mutter disagreement to herself. YUCK.

He even knows she isn't sincere. I THINK. Everyone in the family seems to see it anyway. But there you have it. My reason I would never choose her for a sister wife, or agree to have her here if she wasn't already here before me. And honestly, I'm sad about it. For the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to pray for help about something that isn't tragic, just annoying on a constant basis. What am I praying for? Not her poofing into thin air - but her changing just a little.

I mean she complained ferociously that I was allowed to put stuffing in to a Turkey (we made 2) for Thanksgiving, when it had never been done before in this family to her knowledge and she apparently asked to do it 16 years ago. (bear in mind no one will eat her cooking) She was yelling about it 2 days after the fact! Like a spoiled child who didn't get her way but someone else did. By the way, she likes stuffing cooked in the bird but she couldn't bring herself to enjoy it even though she ate it and didn't comment on whether or not she liked it. I mean REALLY.

I'm not giving up, but I know one thing for sure. If somehow someday I decide I made a big mistake by coming here and adopting this lifestyle, and I decide to leave, she will be the reason. I pray that doesn't happen.

Sorry if this post seems to be more of a rant. I need guidance from an experienced sister wife who has had similar experiences. I'm hoping I'm not alone.

I still believe in romance, I just think it's way more complicated in a plural marriage than I ever imagined and maybe it's best to have the romance come after becoming friends with the wives :)