Cancer Changed Things

I wasn't able to fly home for my 6 month check up with my oncologist, so I found one here...It was kind of weird going to a different doctor but I did it yesterday. Somehow this feels like an accomplishment :) I didn't fly for several reasons, the two most important: 1) It was too expensive. and 2) I was nervous about it.

It seems like I've been gone so long...I am worried about my relationship with Hubby. We don't seem to communicate from a distance with the ease I thought we would. After all, we had a long distance relationship for many years, why isn't this working this time? I honestly thought putting a distance between us would help bring us closer again. I really thought it would, but it hasn't. Oh my god I miss those grand babies! I don't think they could possibly understand how much. But I didn't enter in to this plural marriage for the grand babies it included, so I have to try not to focus on my love for them so much. I even miss the extended family..nieces, etc. I miss the practicality of #1 and her sisterly ways. I wish I could say I miss #2 but I'm not sure I do. Hubby, well I'm just confused about him. I miss him and yet it's different than when I used to miss him.

Having cancer changed me. It changed our relationship too. But it didn't change me necessarily for the better or our relationship either. I don't want to say I've become a selfish, self-absorbed person, but I do find myself focusing on myself. I want what I want. I don't feel like doing a lot of things I used to do regularly, like writing for instance, or cooking. The changes in the relationship with Hubby are super complicated and hard to explain, but they are bold and bothersome.

I keep thinking these issues are going to resolve....but honestly, I don't think he misses me one bit. Ok, maybe one bit but not much more than that. At one time I thought we had an extremely close relationship, like best friends...but I'm not feeling that vibe so to speak at the moment and haven't ever since I got sick. Having and fighting cancer changed all that.

Politically Speaking This Is Me

Politically I guess you would say I'm a liberal Democrat...to some that would seem a contradiction to plural marriage. To me it makes sense.

Political conservatives (and most Republicans) are not in my humble opinion socially inclusive. Most don't believe gays should marry, or adopt, or in some cases even exist. Polygamy? Plural marriage? Alternative life styles are not their cup of tea. Which brings up the Tea Party Republicans who I don't quite understand at all.

Liberals and I venture to say most Democrats and some Libertarians are broad minded enough to be able to embrace folks who live differently than the mainstream.

And then there are the poor among us. The Bible is full of passages in both the New and Old Testament about our obligation to take care of the poor and disadvantaged. Those I would identify in that category would be the unemployed, the disabled, the elderly, young children and others who are homeless. And yet many among us particularly those who wish to be in "power" in our country, seek to eliminate "entitlements" they consider not to be of their concern..like unemployment benefits, medicare, social security, medicaid, etc. etc. Oh they seem to say, we have millions of folks without healthcare? Oh well, not my fault they are lazy.

The irony of the Evangelical Christian Right is not lost. Someone posted this quote from Stephen Colbert on my facebook page and it made me sit up...

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

You don't have to be a "Christian" to see the truth in that. Most religions have as a tenant to help the poor.

Yet every time a politician wants to do something to forward the poor and unfortunately now, what used to be the middle class, he or she is beaten back by a stick wielded by a political conservative. Thus, I simply cannot relate to those who identify themselves as such.

Of course I would like to see a balanced budget and lower taxes. All though I will never understand why the rich don't pay more. Of course I want our country to fight terrorism. Yes, of course I would like to see your business prosper and our citizens safe. Yes, I am conflicted about the undocumented residents harbored inside our borders, I am after all the grandchild of immigrants, but I also recognize the problems. And of course I would like to stop the flow of drugs in to our country. Being liberal doesn't equate to being stupid or un-American or even a socialist.

You may disagree with me of course, as is your privilege, and I will like you anyway, as is my way. I just wanted to open a window for you to see who I am.

Forgiveness is the Solution to Everything....Courtesy of Steven Tyler

I haven't written here in a while mostly because I was feeling like I was whining too much. But I have something I would like to share.

I'm not a HUGE fan of Oprah Winfrey but occasionally she does something that strikes a chord in me. She has started a new show on her network OWN, called The Next Chapter. Her first show was a two hour long interview with rock icon Steven Tyler at his home in New Hampshire. I knew I always like Aerosmith's lyrics and I know lead singer Tyler has had a tumultuous life, in large part because he was/is a drug addict. But he is enormously talented and apparently a strong person with strong ties to his family and his roots. This interview was amazing..

At one point in the interview Oprah asks him how he has survived what with his infamous drug use, his conquering hepatitis C and his professional/personal troubles. He says something like..Forgiveness is the solution to everything..or the answer to everything..I can't remember which even though I watched it twice. But the concept struck a deep chord within me. I sometimes have trouble forgiving. And then when I do manage to forgive, I can't seem to "forget." That's a problem I will always have to work on.

Forgiveness. What does that mean? Why is it so hard to forgive? And why is it so necessary?

Years ago, an acquaintance of mine lost her 19 year old son in a terrible car accident that was probably the fault of the driver of the car her son was in. At the funeral in the church, the young man sat next to her. He came out of the accident barely injured physically. The whole family embraced him and comforted him as he comforted them. He was never quite the same afterwards but he eventually moved forward, joined the Navy and had a life...as did they. Of course they were deeply saddened but they were able to continue in a way their son would have wanted.

A few years later a good friend lost her young son in a car accident when the driver of the vehicle fell asleep at the wheel and they hit an enormous tree. Again the driver was barely hurt. But he did not appear at the funeral and my friend never spoke to him. Both she and her husband became unhappy and bitter. I don't think the sadness ever lifted from their eyes and their professional and personal lives suffered.

I remember at that first funeral remarking to someone how heart warming it was to see the family and the driver together. The answer I got was similar to Steven Tyler's thoughts on forgiveness.

Even if forgiving just chases the negative thoughts out of our heads it's worth a try. But I think, from what I have seen, it can do so much more.

Christmas and New Years

I've always had a hot and cold relationship with the Holidays. As a child I used to throw up every Christmas Eve...I guess the excitement. As a teenager and college student New Year's Eve was always a time of angst for me. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even to a house party. I was expected to stay home with the family. We had a party at home and it wasn't all misery but it usually had me either embarrassed or angry or resentful. My parent's home always looked so beautiful for Christmas. I always found it odd that once we all moved and especially after my Dad passed, she didn't fuss about Christmas at all.

As an adult, and a parent Christmas was a huge amount of work, but fun non-the-less. A shopper I'm not. Shopping to me is a headache, a chore tolerated for the children's sake. I did always enjoy decorating the tree and collected ornaments that hold a great deal of sentimental value. All of them are at hubby's house. I love driving around and looking at all the outdoor decorations. Always sad when their time is up and the outdoors goes back to looking bleak.

In my plural family, hubby makes a huge deal over Christmas, decorating to the nines, shopping, cooking, the works. I have to admit he does a great job. We all help where we can but he's definitely in charge of it. I always found that to be somewhat of a relief, no pressure put on me to make the perfect Christmas. The only challenge was getting used to new traditions and trying to blend my taste with my sister wive's tastes.

Here where I am, I'm just Grandma. Not in charge of anything and that's ok. Not great but ok. I have a little fake tree that I bought some cheap ornaments for, and my sister will make a nice Christmas for all of us I'm sure. New Year's Eve I will probably be alone or with one of my boys. Very low key.

I'm beginning to understand my mother more and more. I miss her.

In case I don't blog before the holiday gets here, I hope you all have a good one filled with love.

My Thoughts on Child Abuse

This little rant may sound crazy if it's misunderstood but here goes~

I am horrified by the amount of child abuse in this country and for all I know elsewhere in the world. The number of children sexually abused; physically abused; neglected and/or murdered is astounding! Some days it almost seems that that is all there is on the news. The mental illness that precipitates these actions boggles the mind of experts. If only there were the resources to swoop down and take these poor children to safety the way they took the 400 plus children from Warren Jeff's compound!!

Yes there is terrible abuse or mistreatment of children in some fundamentalist polygamous sects, but I can't help thinking that the outrage from the world at large had more to do with the polygamy part than in concern for children in general. Sound stupid or crazy? Maybe. But the negative judgement of polygamy may have affected the authorities zeal for the raid. After all, where are the authorities or the relatives who may see or suspect abuse in the rest of the country. Look at the Penn State case. Everyone who could do something turned a blind eye on the situation. That shocks me. If nothing else, someone could have gone to a newspaper and told the story when no one else paid any attention.

Similar cases of ignoring pleas for help or horrible suspicions take place all the time. The Catholic Church for instance. The teachers or principals who ignore bruising, constant absences and malnutrition.

There is no band-aid solution to this national epidemic. But I think it would do well for authorities to concern themselves more with these children than how many wives a man may have.

Sons

Well, if you don't already know, I moved from Hubby's home more than 1600 miles to my sister's home to be closer to my kids, particularly the youngest who is ill, needs my help and who has given me the most amazing grandchildren.

My boys (young men) and I are pretty close considering their gender. However, it's not the same as the daughter/mother thing I see with my sisters who have daughters. So although I am the babysitter on call at any moment, and although my first born moved here as well, I still spend a great deal of time alone. It's frustrating at times. Not to mention that because of his illness, and because of his "marriage" he truly does need me to help him with some things...but he is resisting, based on the fact that he is an "adult."

I was both mother and father to them growing up as they aren't close to their dad at all. I feel badly about that. I see how close Hubby's sons are to him, and how much they enjoy each other's company and realize my kids have never had that with their dad.

I was the one who drove them to soccer practice, attended all their games, took them to their first major league baseball games, and listened to their woes about girls. But I don't think it's the same as having a dad do those kind of things. Their father took them camping, fishing and snowmobiling..he tried. Oddly though these aren't things they do as adults.

Anyway, sons are just different than daughters and sometimes I feel as though I'm in the way. They really don't seem to notice that mom is sitting in front of the tv for 3 days and at this point in their lives I'm not all that much fun, I guess. They have their lives to live. I never want to be the mother that meddles or inserts herself into things that aren't her business.

Am I feeling wistful and a little lonely? Yes. Do I want to have a pity party? No. It just is what it is.

None of this was forefront in my mind when I was caught up in falling in love, moving and changing my whole life. Which only makes me feel badly that I wasn't there for them for a few years. It also makes me miss the chaos that is back in Hubby's home. But notice, if you will, that I said Hubby's home.

"Sister Wives" Women in Love Need Time

I've watched the season finale of "Sister Wives" again, and I have to say as much as I admire the friendship between Meri and Robyn, I wish I could take more of a liking to Robyn. I wish I wasn't feeling unsettled about the Brown family, and disappointed in Kody.

I totally understand Christine and even Janelle's hesitancy toward her. Christine admits it...she hasn't been totally welcoming to Robyn. They may even miss the close relationship they thought they had, with Meri, but apparently wasn't enough for Meri...

Dare I say it's Kody's fault? Picture perfect Kody? He usually is so good at being loving toward everyone. However his blemishes have come out since Robyn became #4. He is still smitten with her like a school boy. And for some reason, the Brown children haven't completely accepted Robyn's children by her first marriage, and aren't thrilled with the new baby. This leads me to believe that Kody isn't spending enough quality time with all the children, and he really may want to think twice about he and Robyn having another.

As for Robyn's offer to Meri...If that would include transplanting a fertilized egg of Meri's in to Robyn then sure, I guess.

You know I realize it's difficult being a polygamous husband. I just think Kody added to his problems by adding a 4th wife. He may have enough love to go around to everyone including the kids, but there are only so many days in the week. His marriages are love marriages, not arranged by some prophet. Women in love require time. Which is why I always made such a big deal about a schedule.

If Kody doesn't figure out how to make everyone feel appreciated and equally loved he runs the risk of becoming very unhappy, which would be a shame. He thinks all his problems will be resolved by moving everyone to their very own cul-de-sac....Well it would be a start, but realistically when is that going to happen? The Browns seem to dream big. I hope they get their dream.