Getting Close

yikes! My sister is coming here the day before my surgery...at considerable expense I might add..It will be good to see her. This particular sister and I have had a love hate thing for many years but somehow she is always there for me........now that I think of it. She is also the one who recently married.We have had our rough spots she and I but I love her to death. I just hope all the extra wives don't freak her out! It's one thing knowing and quite another experiencing it. Trust me on this.

Five more days. I am starting to be fearful. I don't know why, I certainly have had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally, physically and emotionally. Perhaps I wish sometimes that I had a better relationship with God.

Hubby is keeping himself busy. I don't know what I expect or want from him but I feel lost right now in a sea of people.

I received an email today which contained a link which I hope you can access here. The email said in part ...

What a beautiful portrayal of the journey, the dance we all dance regardless of our stage or grade or our treatment or surgery. Some of us walk off the stage after the dance but there are those few who are lifted to the heavens to never return. I am so thankful for each of you and your journey. Enjoy the dance, enjoy the partner who carries and lifts you and remember to live and love in the moment!!


I really hope you can watch the dance video in the link I enclosed, it's really beautiful. IN case the "enclose link" thing doesn't work, here it is to copy.
http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/so-you-think-you-can-dance-a-tribute-to-breast-cancer-fighters--487

I sent it to #1 she watched it. Hubby is in a huge state of denial at the moment I'm afraid, so chances are he won't watch it. My nurse said this is very normal for spouses to avoid talking about what's going on. I guess she's right. I don't know. But it makes me sad that he is so afraid.

A Date Finally

I finally got a date for my surgery!!!

Thank god because the not knowing was driving me crazy. It feels like a pin was pushed into me like a balloon and the craziness is leaking out. Now I have to decide, silicone or saline. Oh, did I mention that I am going to have immediate reconstruction? I can't believe I'm doing that but I am. I realized long ago that my fear of getting breast cancer had as much to do with vanity as it did with fear of dying and the C word.

I'm hoping when this is all over I will have my femininity intact and feel good about myself. When I say "vanity" I mean I was afraid of disfigurement. Women don't say that out-loud too often. They either say their breasts don't define them or something equally as evolved and self-confident; or they just avoid the topic. I was told that the recovery from the reconstruction is longer and more painful than recovery from the double mastectomy. I'm anxious.

So, email me if you would like to know the exact date. I don't mind sharing if I know your name. I will say here that it is in about two weeks. Today I had a full body bone scan. It was yet another needle in my arm and about 20 minutes of staying perfectly still. The results could be scary but right now I'm feeling positive.

There has been a little tension here - between me and hubby and #2 and hubby and me. Like a circle. It's hard to explain, I don't know where to start. If I figure that out I'll post on it soon. It's not horrible, just annoying and makes me a tiny bit sad.

Speaking of sad, some people don't know the difference between sad and depressed, but there is a difference. Throughout my life I think I battled depression, on and off. I am accustomed to how it feels. Sad is a feeling I'm not used to. If I ever encountered it during my life I somehow got over it quickly. Crying is not something I do the way some women do. I've known women who can sit on their couch and can muster up tears without much trouble. They do it because they need a cathartic moment or ten. They emerge renewed. I will admit to enjoying a good cry at a movie or a book, so I understand the cathartic thing, I just never got into it. Heartbreak can make me cry but fear never. I grew to learn how to stare fear down during my lengthy and unhappy marriage. It was not something I learned easily. Consequently, it may take me a while to cry when someone passes away. I never cried the entire time my 16 year old's son hung in the balance, nor when my mother was dying. I don't know why. But here's the thing...now, I don't sit and cry but the littlest thing will bring a burning sensation to my eyes or a choked up feeling. Even teary-eyed. This, so far, has been the hardest part. That and the PMS feeling I have, grouchy/moody/giddy ugh.

A good one.

I'm back home a week now. It's been the week to buckle down and take care of the cancer business. So I saw the oncologist and the plastic surgeon this week. Also had a full body cat-scan. I'm always afraid of what any test will find and this was no different. I won't know for another day or so and by then it will come mixed up with the pre-surgery visit to the breast surgeon and the total body bone scan. It's almost at the point now where there is no time to freak out so if I'm going to I better hurry up and do it.

Lol did I mention we have been baby sitting the grandkids for three solid days now? Actually, they've been very good. Just tiring.

Then Saturday night we all went to an x-treme wrestling match, which isn't normally my cup of tea but the boys love it and hubby is managing a small group of wrestlers. They are all having a great deal of fun with it and it's nice to see everyone having a good time. Especially hubby. There are just some weeks that I feel my age :)

Oh, a side note about hubby/my sisters and polygamy. (please refer to the post where I mention telling them about our family. ~

I asked my sister what she thought of hubby since this was the first time they met. First she made note that she hadn't really sat down to talk to him, and then, almost under her breath she said: "You finally got a good one." ha! ha!

Unusual tears

Well I took a trip back to my old hometown this past week. Also went to yet another state for a wedding and to see more family. It was really wonderful. Hubby joined me a couple of days before the wedding. Family seemed to like him :)

Here is what's interesting to me:

I almost came to tears when I got on the plane to fly to see my oldest boy and friends. And a couple of times when I was there, homesickness wasn't expected.

Then when I got in the car to meet up with Hubby and travel together to the wedding state, again choked up.

THEN, upon saying goodbye there, teary eyed and all choked up.

I am NOT a crier. Really, I'm not. I cry at a very sad movie about other peoples lives, on occasion, or while reading a very sad book sometimes. But rarely do I cry at real life.

Another strange thing. I really hugged #2 when I got home.

I am becoming a softy!!!

Had a really great week though. Lots of FUN and visits. I felt very close to Hubby and was very proud of him with my family. It was such a good feeling! We had a wonderful time together. Very affectionate and laughing. Lots of laughter. My boys seemed to have fun with him too. We weren't alone a lot but still we were very connected. I wish we could get away more often to refuel. I miss that very much.

Selfish Self-Centered Decisions and Feelings ~ Breast Cancer Issues in Polygamy

It feels like it's been a long time since I've written here. I know it hasn't been long. What's been happening is I could write something everyday but I don't want to over do it and bore everyone who reads.

Tuesday morning I went to see the so called famous Breast surgeon. In case you don't know there is one in every city and town. My sisters who only just found out about my plural marriage really wanted me to see this one doctor in the next city. I wanted to see her too. It's like if I'm going to lose my boobs please god let it be by the hands of a famous doctor, the most experienced doctor I can find. Well, I didn't like her. Neither did hubby and I could tell it wasn't because we had to drive to her city the night before so I could be on time for the early morning appointment. She just didn't seem to want to be my doctor. So decision made, staying close to home for surgery and treatment, now let's get on with it!

This is such a hectic time here in our house, besides what's going on with me. Kids home from school for the summer. More people in and out of the house than usual. Yard still not done. Extended family stuff. More chaos. Hubby loves activity. It can be fun but very hectic.

I will be traveling to visit friends and family next week. Then back here for all kinds of prep for the surgery/s. Oncologist visit; plastic surgeon visit; who knows what else. I feel badly that my surgery is going to interrupt everyone's lives around me. We may even have visits from my family - kids, siblings etc. yikes! Should be interesting.

I worry that Hubby will have too much on his plate. It will be difficult for him to make sure #1 and #2 aren't neglected, and knowing him he will feel they can't do without their allotted amount of time with him. When I think about that I just feel like crawling into a hole, and waking up when it's all over. Also I fear he will encourage #1 and #2 to fill in for him more often than not. I want them to help and I'm lucky to have two women living here who care for me. But I want Hubby as my prime caregiver, even if it means he's supervising someone else. Gosh. Polygamy complicates my disease and recovery, for me at least. Sometimes I don't like the way this family works, sigh, and I wish I could somehow get it to work better, smoother, flawlessly. Hubby thinks that means I'm unhappy here, but I'm not unhappy. I AM frustrated sometimes; my insides shout out for change but at the same time we laugh, we love, we have good times. Perfection is unattainable; should it be coveted? I don't know.

I don't want anyone to feel slighted or lonely. At the same time I selfishly want more of him. I want this situation to bring Hubby and I closer the way it might if we were monogamous - without pulling him away from the others. Ugh! Impossible maybe. Am I crazy? Wrong? Over reacting?

Decisions

I'm going with the poll results and going to incorporate the breast cancer into this polygamy blog. I may do a separate one also at some point.

Yesterday Hubby and I went to see the first breast surgeon I'm interviewing. #1 met us there. This is the surgeon I'm doubtful about but she turned out to be very nice. In my heart though I still have the nagging feeling I need another opinion. So I have an appointment with another surgeon in a few days..Someone highly recommended and with lengthy credentials and lots of years of experience. The problem is she's an hour or more away. This will be a big decision and a difficult one to make.

The good news is this doctor didn't feel that the cancer has spread. She said she can't be one hundred percent sure but she's pretty positive.

Here's the difficult thing about being in a plural marriage - it's hard to be selfish and self serving. But when you don't feel well, that's what you want to be. When you're scared that's what you want to be. When you're angry that's what you want to be. When you're sad that's what you want to be. More than ever I want Hubby to myself, but at the same time I'm grateful when someone else goes somewhere with him so I can sit at the computer and write, or hang out in my room and cry or nap.

Here's the good thing about being in a plural marriage - there are other people to do chores! It's hard to be depressed when surrounded by people laughing, swimming and in general having a good time.

Don't you just love summer? I love summer. Summer here is hot as hell but you can count on the sunshine which is great! It's always been my favorite time of the year. I feel younger, healthier and prettier in the summer. I don't get winter people.

I've been working on a garden in the area #2 wanted a new garden, it's been rough going because I got a late start and because the cats got to it, but Hubby's nephew is helping me now so hopefully something will grow and bloom there :)

Example of quirky difficulty in a plural marriage:

Buying beach or pool towels. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I decided the four of us needed two towels each. Sounds simple. Of course they have to be different so you can tell which are yours. Try pleasing everyone... For some reasons a little decision like that can result in conflict believe it or not! I guess I still feel the need to please everyone. Hubby has been complaining lately that he always feels like he has to please so many people at the same time. I know what he means.

Anyway, I'm lousy at decisions in general. Breast cancer involves many decisions. This part is going to be rough.

Important Things

Here I am again!
2 posts/ 1 day
I'm impressing myself.

Anyway, if you scroll down you'll see a breast cancer awareness pink ribbon. I confess that I used to avoid those. Walks, runs, benefits, all avoided because of the symbolic pink ribbon. In my private world, breast cancer did not exist. Out of the blue not long ago I started to let go on the avoidance somewhat. There are all these cute, upbeat, breast cancer sayings on the internet.I haven't missed the irony of having those particular words in one sentence.

"Save second base," is one. Very cute, almost sexy and geared for my generation. Does second base even exist today?

"Save the TaTas," is another. Girlfriendy (sorry not a real word)and sassy.

There are others. I like them. They send their message without making me think of death.

They are many times accompanied by the pink ribbon. Hubby and his oldest son got tattoos of the pink ribbon with my name in it. I was deeply touched.So..the pink ribbon is added to my blog.

Gosh, you all have become my girlfriends in my new life, even you Hidden Sage! I mean that in the best sense you can think of HS. This is what I'm missing from my sister wives. Much as I love #1 and have come to appreciate some of #2's qualities,somehow I can't ramble with them, or vent, or gossip or any of that girl chatter we women can do that is as meaningful as it is silly. You, the readers here, are that for me. Even, I dare say those anonymous folk from a few months ago that trolled our blogs just to pick a fight. We all have had girlfriends that rubbed us the wrong way at times.

So the point is, it crossed my mind that the forces more powerful than I, won the avoid the pink ribbons battle with me. Let me tell you I'm not talking about God, but something or someone whose intention is to get my attention. Or, something that could be saying, "pay back's a bitch." Karma perhaps. However, in an attempt to stay positive and receptive to good power, I'm pushing those thoughts from my mind.

Now you know why I'm angry. Important things high up on the shelf went ignored for years. I'm angry at myself.