Next Phase

I don't know who of my old readers still look for my blog, some have stopped writing theirs. I hope this reaches some of them, and for the new readers please note..unless you read my whole blog you may misunderstand some of this.

I haven't written in quite a while. Some of this is due to that after becoming ill with breast cancer I just didn't have the energy to keep up with a blog. Some is due to the fact that I really don't want to be negative about polygamy. I am an avid follower of the TV series "Sister Wives" and I think it is true enough to be able to assume that it is totally possible to be happy in a plural marriage. It just depends on the participants.

That said. I am unhappy. At the on set of my illness I had great hope that this living situation would enable me to have more than my fair share of comfort and support. I found unfortunately that it was quite the opposite.

Hubby just was totally freaked out about the possibility of my dying (unreasonably so in my opinion). Wife #1 was a wonderful caretaker, she is in the medical field, works in an outpatient surgical facility, and was not squeamish at all about caring for me physically. Wife #2was at first distant and took to caring after the freaked out hubby, but eventually came around to where I have to admit we became closer. The problems began after surgical recovering and after chemotherapy started. The medicines in chemotherapy have many affects on the patient, not all of them are physical. I became quite cranky, and selfish. This is a house of many people, my patience was not up to par. Even though the married children live in another house, they spend a great deal of their time here in this house, and their children for all intent and purposes live here. They have had a third child. In any event, everyone more or less lost their patience with me. Especially #1 and hubby. Yes hubby.

That said, I will also let you know dear reader if you don't already, that a post menopausal, post chemotherapy patient who is currently taking post chemo medications goes through physical changes (probably emotional changes too). Not only am i self conscious of my new fake breasts, but I have other difficulties that are directly related to intimacy as well. Couple all of that with hubby's inability to feel physically close to me because he looked at me as a "patient" and you can only imagine what has happened. An almost irreparable schism in our physical and emotional relationship.

Now to be honest, none of this is uncommon in couples who have been through what we have been through. However, take in to account that we share a bedroom only 2x a week, and that many of those nights are also shared by a toddler who has sleep separation problems....well..you can get the idea.

I don't know what will become of us, truthfully. I am moving out temporarily to relatives across the country. Not in anger but out of necessity, we have a family emergency there that I must pay attention to. I am concerned though that it will force the end of what once was a beautiful dream.

Schedules

I don't think I've ever elaborated about schedules here..in my old blog maybe. But schedules are important in polygamy in my humble opinion.

When I first arrived here the three who were in the marriage already didn't have a schedule at all..it was more or less equal time in the first few years from what I've been told, then it was catch as catch can..with #2 catching the most time (from what I've been told and can tell). All and all no one minded this arrangement, which also was pretty dependent on the work schedules of each individual. And they had a "marriage bed" that they all shared..I think I've mentioned that before.

Anyway, along comes little old me. I say, ok guys we need a schedule!! And I watch as they all fall down. I was imposing my belief on them and honestly I really thought it would be a piece of cake.

So, three wives, 7 days, I suggest 2 days/nights each with a rotation somehow of the 7th day/night. We all look at the calendar and the other two wives each want one of their days off of course, and preferably two (all). Well that wasn't always going to work. We also occasionally switched nights which Hubby found confusing and unsettling. I think in the beginning we did 2+2+2+1. Then someone noticed that someone would be getting 3 in a row once in a while..revisit the calendar.

Then we changed to what I liked which was every other day kind of thing, what is referred to sometimes as a Round Robin Schedule. This was pretty fair in my opinion. Of course some months or weeks someone would get the third day/night therefore initiating talk and strife over the whole dang thing. #2 HATED this schedule because her time didn't always fall on her days off. After a month or two of her whining, Hubby took control of it and changed the schedule.Each of us with 2 days/nights and the supposed extra or 7th day/night being his to do with what he liked, go out, play cards, spend more time with the kids or whatever. He turned out to rarely do that. Which I of course knew would happen. I dislike this schedule for reasons that make me sad. At first Hubby would alternate his place of sleeping on that "extra day" then slowly, especially after my surgery, he took to always sleeping in the other room. He says he thinks of that as his room because it was for so many long years..advice to those contemplating a polygamous marriage...try not to enter in to one where all other parties involved have been involved for many, many years. Makes sense if you think about it.

Anyway, I took to researching this schedule thing. One family I found on the internet did a three/four; three/four; on alternating weeks and nicely if one wife was away for a few days she got a day or two extra to re-bond with the husband. If the husband and one wife went away to see family or vacation, the wife left home would get that extra day or two upon their return. This was an extremely civilized family who unfortunately don't blog anymore or I would point you in that direction.

Everyone seems to have their own type of schedule, some not as organized. It is supposed to help with jealous feelings, resentment etc and I think it does.

Now, for an odd reason I find myself thinking to hell with the schedule let's just do whatever comes naturally or whatever hubby wants, or something along those lines..let's just chuck it all out and be less organized and more free spirited. Let's have some spontaneity .. let's be romantic???? Maybe

Family News

I have so much to talk about today but I'm going to try to limit the number of topics. It feels like forever since I've been here.

I'm sorry to see that Third is thinking of not writing anymore :( I so enjoyed reading her and hope she returns to her blog.

My #2 - well we are in an odd place at the moment. Somehow we are closer, but I have no clue how that happened...maybe I've come to the realization that her relationship with hubby is way complicated? All I know is I've noticed he agrees with a lot of my criticism of her but chooses not to dwell on her faults, which is admirable. Only wish he didn't hold me to a higher standard, as complimentary as I could take that! I feel sorry for #2, her family lives far away and her grown children who are closer are not close to her for whatever reason. I see her as a wounded bird in some ways, one that no one can help.

My #1 is going through a difficult time right now. She seems unhappy one minute and happy another. She keeps a great deal inside. Family is very important to her and hubby but they have some difficulties with their kids that are taking a long time to resolve.

Hubby is, hubby. He is much moodier than during our lengthy courtship but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that unfortunately it's his nature. Good news here though ....drum roll please...he is going to let me move to the other house!!!!!! He feels his son and his family need help with the house and all, and I feel (something tells me he agrees) "our" relationship will benefit from me being next door....Amen and Halleluah!!!

Wish me well on the move please...the son is not happy about it and has slowed the move to a virtual halt. However, I am visiting my family for a month very soon and that will give them time to get the house ready for me. I'm also somewhat worried about a new living situation; the inevitable jealousy it will probably bring; the conflict with his son and his son's wife maybe; and the temptation for me to turn it in to MY house and have girlfriends over for lunch; a glass of wine; to watch a movie etc. How I miss that aspect of living alone!!!

Aloneness

Loneliness - different than feeling alone? I think so. The same yet different. A person can feel lonely temporarily, even for a moment. Alone on the other hand, or aloneness is a chronic condition and I'm afraid being in a plural marriage has resulted in that condition for me.

It started out as small spats of loneliness that would pass. But as time goes on, more and more I feel simply alone here. Life seems to pass around me. There are lots of people, comings and goings. There is laughter and sadness. Normal things really. There are happy times and there are quarrels. But I find myself feeling as though I am alone on a bridge looking in to dark waters. And the connection with hubby lessens by the day. Is it me, my fault? Did my illness isolate me? Or is it him? Or perhaps it's just normal life. But I lie in my bed in the wee hours on most days and feel absolutely alone in this world.

Dear blog readers, don't panic, I'm not going anywhere. I just need to find my life again.

I'm Excited

It may just happen. I may move to the house next door, although I would have to share it with one of hubby's sons and family, I'm still excited.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm hoping. It's been mentioned several times as a real possibility.

I think it will help hubby and I's relationship. A little space can sometimes do that. We are crowded here in this house plus the grandchildren are here all the time. I think having my own bathroom will be the best thing ever!!

I'm trying to keep myself contained so that IF it doesn't happen soon, I won't be too disappointed.

Just another day of feeling obsolete

I really hate coming here to complain, but this is the only place where anyone would truly understand. I just don't feel right in a plural marriage at this point :/

It's the sister-wives. I've tried I think to empathize with them; to not interfere too much in their lives; and to be a friend to them. It's not working.

I've said before that I love #1. She is a trooper. She's loyal and steadfast and dependable. I don't know what I would have done without her after my surgery. I love her for accepting me and for being there for me. But...there is only one way to say it, she's gotten on my nerves of late. I'm starting to see the traits, after 2 years, that hubby used to talk about. She has taken to being a tad bossy and seems to lurk so that there is no chance for private talk in this house. Plus she calls the house roughly 12 times a day, sometimes more!!!! Ok so all of that isn't really that bad when I see it in print lol..

#2 is another story and frankly it's not ever going to change. She says she has tried to give me privacy with hubby. She claims she has accepted me...not. And her overt shows of PDA have lessened but just barely. The problem is two-fold. One, just her personality is irritating. By that I mean her lack of understanding and basic intelligence. Her life is all about her husband, our husband. She has nothing else, no friends outside the marriage and a job she dislikes and is always on the verge of losing. She's annoying in the way she repeats stories from her high-school days constantly and thinks she's an expert in everything - a quality that is laughable at best. Sorry to be mean but it's how I see it. While we get along better than we did in the past, I don't honestly see how we have achieved that. Second, I believe she really lives in her fantasy of the perfect white picket fence monogamous marriage..it's soooooo pitiful. Now, she has taken to once again complain about things that have to do with #1 and me to hubby behind our backs. ugh!! I hate that. Horrible to say, but it seems like he takes her word for it all the time because she gives off this religious, happy go lucky face all the time that you wouldn't think she was capable of deceit, or manipulation but trust me she is. Her latest thing is that #1 complains that #2 doesn't do enough around the house, so she complains that I don't do anything around the house. I will admit that I could do more and I did at first, until it got to be a thorn in my side. I, after all, did not raise the messy children, nor did I organize this household. Therefore I stick to certain chores. I do household laundry when it needs to be done, we all pitch in with that. I cook every other night except when I was at my sickest and couldn't. I do dishes when needed, I straighten and vacuum the living room and I clean up after myself as well as the grandkids when I'm taking care of them. Silly as it may seem I don't see why the other two feel that because they work outside the house they should be exempt from cleaning chores. We had a casual agreement that #2 would do the floors and the bathrooms. #1 would help with household laundry and dishes. And the last one to eat dinner (unfortunately for her usually #2) would put up the food for the night; finish loading and start dishwasher. Oh well.

All this brings me to today, my day - one of two. Hubby has had the stomach virus going around the family for the past three days. Apparently he felt hungry very early this morning and had #2 make him an egg!! Well what do you know? He got sick to his stomach again! Consequently, he has been in bed all day. Their bed. And she didn't leave his side until the very last minute she had to leave for work this afternoon, including giving him a sponge bath!! I felt like I was allowed to make him tea, and whipped up some jello for later. I was going to offer to draw him a bath after she left for work but... My point is, I feel totally unnecessary here, obsolete. That's really the brunt of my complaint. And I'm having a difficult time with it because it's something I have felt off and on since I got here. Oh and to top it off, #1 insists on taking him to the emergency room when she gets home in a little while.

I'm still longing for my own home. Something I feel everyone grown woman deserves.

Our Marriage Has Suffered...but feeling better

Wow I hadn't realized it had been a whole month since I last posted! BTW I also had been keeping a handwritten journal dealing with my illness and dropped that over a month ago. I think I was burned out.

Right now I'm feeling pretty ok. I have some lingering neuropathy, insomnia and forgetfulness but that's about all. I take a medication that is supposed to block estrogen to my system but oddly enough I am feeling more and more like my old self even in regard to sexuality.

I have resumed painting and am trying to get back to writing articles and poetry. It's slow going.

Our marriage has suffered..the marriage between hubby and myself. The one between us all is a little bit better but not enough to have me dancing in the streets lol..What can I say, 3 women, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room..ugh!! Thankfully Hubby purchased a good tv for my room when I first was diagnosed...at least I can disappear inside my own four walls. Our individual marriage? We are working on it. It's difficult to overcome some of the hard feelings I had during my recovery process. I wish I could explain it in more detail but I don't know if I can just yet. To make matters worse, in the past couple of months I have hosted the young grandchildren in my room very frequently, the youngest even staying in my room during sleepovers. During the day, the children prefer my television, for some reason, to the one in our living room which they have to share with whoever is around. My sanctuary has been violated but I love them still they are awesome grandkids. However, the opportunity for intimacy of any kind between myself and Hubby is less.

We have a schedule, a cock-eyed one, but a schedule non-the-less. My days are Thursday and Sunday.We each have two days/nights with Hubby having one supposedly to himself. I'm curious if those of you who have schedules have this "extra" day and what is done with it? Ana?

Anyway, I think polgamy is not a great place for reviving a marriage...just my two cents!