Just another day of feeling obsolete

I really hate coming here to complain, but this is the only place where anyone would truly understand. I just don't feel right in a plural marriage at this point :/

It's the sister-wives. I've tried I think to empathize with them; to not interfere too much in their lives; and to be a friend to them. It's not working.

I've said before that I love #1. She is a trooper. She's loyal and steadfast and dependable. I don't know what I would have done without her after my surgery. I love her for accepting me and for being there for me. But...there is only one way to say it, she's gotten on my nerves of late. I'm starting to see the traits, after 2 years, that hubby used to talk about. She has taken to being a tad bossy and seems to lurk so that there is no chance for private talk in this house. Plus she calls the house roughly 12 times a day, sometimes more!!!! Ok so all of that isn't really that bad when I see it in print lol..

#2 is another story and frankly it's not ever going to change. She says she has tried to give me privacy with hubby. She claims she has accepted me...not. And her overt shows of PDA have lessened but just barely. The problem is two-fold. One, just her personality is irritating. By that I mean her lack of understanding and basic intelligence. Her life is all about her husband, our husband. She has nothing else, no friends outside the marriage and a job she dislikes and is always on the verge of losing. She's annoying in the way she repeats stories from her high-school days constantly and thinks she's an expert in everything - a quality that is laughable at best. Sorry to be mean but it's how I see it. While we get along better than we did in the past, I don't honestly see how we have achieved that. Second, I believe she really lives in her fantasy of the perfect white picket fence monogamous marriage..it's soooooo pitiful. Now, she has taken to once again complain about things that have to do with #1 and me to hubby behind our backs. ugh!! I hate that. Horrible to say, but it seems like he takes her word for it all the time because she gives off this religious, happy go lucky face all the time that you wouldn't think she was capable of deceit, or manipulation but trust me she is. Her latest thing is that #1 complains that #2 doesn't do enough around the house, so she complains that I don't do anything around the house. I will admit that I could do more and I did at first, until it got to be a thorn in my side. I, after all, did not raise the messy children, nor did I organize this household. Therefore I stick to certain chores. I do household laundry when it needs to be done, we all pitch in with that. I cook every other night except when I was at my sickest and couldn't. I do dishes when needed, I straighten and vacuum the living room and I clean up after myself as well as the grandkids when I'm taking care of them. Silly as it may seem I don't see why the other two feel that because they work outside the house they should be exempt from cleaning chores. We had a casual agreement that #2 would do the floors and the bathrooms. #1 would help with household laundry and dishes. And the last one to eat dinner (unfortunately for her usually #2) would put up the food for the night; finish loading and start dishwasher. Oh well.

All this brings me to today, my day - one of two. Hubby has had the stomach virus going around the family for the past three days. Apparently he felt hungry very early this morning and had #2 make him an egg!! Well what do you know? He got sick to his stomach again! Consequently, he has been in bed all day. Their bed. And she didn't leave his side until the very last minute she had to leave for work this afternoon, including giving him a sponge bath!! I felt like I was allowed to make him tea, and whipped up some jello for later. I was going to offer to draw him a bath after she left for work but... My point is, I feel totally unnecessary here, obsolete. That's really the brunt of my complaint. And I'm having a difficult time with it because it's something I have felt off and on since I got here. Oh and to top it off, #1 insists on taking him to the emergency room when she gets home in a little while.

I'm still longing for my own home. Something I feel everyone grown woman deserves.

Our Marriage Has Suffered...but feeling better

Wow I hadn't realized it had been a whole month since I last posted! BTW I also had been keeping a handwritten journal dealing with my illness and dropped that over a month ago. I think I was burned out.

Right now I'm feeling pretty ok. I have some lingering neuropathy, insomnia and forgetfulness but that's about all. I take a medication that is supposed to block estrogen to my system but oddly enough I am feeling more and more like my old self even in regard to sexuality.

I have resumed painting and am trying to get back to writing articles and poetry. It's slow going.

Our marriage has suffered..the marriage between hubby and myself. The one between us all is a little bit better but not enough to have me dancing in the streets lol..What can I say, 3 women, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room..ugh!! Thankfully Hubby purchased a good tv for my room when I first was diagnosed...at least I can disappear inside my own four walls. Our individual marriage? We are working on it. It's difficult to overcome some of the hard feelings I had during my recovery process. I wish I could explain it in more detail but I don't know if I can just yet. To make matters worse, in the past couple of months I have hosted the young grandchildren in my room very frequently, the youngest even staying in my room during sleepovers. During the day, the children prefer my television, for some reason, to the one in our living room which they have to share with whoever is around. My sanctuary has been violated but I love them still they are awesome grandkids. However, the opportunity for intimacy of any kind between myself and Hubby is less.

We have a schedule, a cock-eyed one, but a schedule non-the-less. My days are Thursday and Sunday.We each have two days/nights with Hubby having one supposedly to himself. I'm curious if those of you who have schedules have this "extra" day and what is done with it? Ana?

Anyway, I think polgamy is not a great place for reviving a marriage...just my two cents!

My Old Blog :/

I received a comment today from an anonymous writer who asked for the link to my old blog at HBO.com. I would love to publish the link here but the problem is that the new HBO website seems to have either obliterated the blogs or hidden them very well :/

Should any of you have better luck navigating the new site or know how I can locate my blogs please let me know...sigh..it's 4 am I just noticed!

Dear HBO.COM and some real stuff

My heart is broken! The new website gives me no choice but to give away my identity to my family and friends and frankly that leaves me feeling I have to be careful of what I say. Plus they don't warn you until the end when you have to choose between three of THEIR suggestions, all of which contain either first name and last initial, first initial and last name or both names!! wth! grrrr withay where ever you are please tell me I'm wrong :) Plus I couldn't find a member created thread anywhere:/

I broke down last. At about 2 am I came out of my room and walked into Hubby and my office where #2 was sitting reading and Hubby was on the computer. I asked for a few minutes to talk to Hubby in private and then proceeded to cry uncontrollably and then Hubby called a family member who is a counselor and asked them to call the house. It was very helpful to talk to someone who had some understanding of my feelings. Of course unfortunately, this monopolized the rest of Hubby's night. I'm not sure if #2 was making a dig or not when she mentioned today that I had asked for a few minutes. Mind you, Tuesdays are Hubby's to do with as he pleases; Tuesday doesn't belong to any of the wives.

I think I am going to search poly blogs for posts about schedules...

Erratic sleep again.

Here it is 3 am. I woke up at 2:30 after a restless few hours of sleep. The youngest grandchild slept over and in my room again. But that's not why I was tossing. I had another reconstruction session today and though the pain from them has gotten more manageable it's still upsetting. But then I'm finding a lot to be upsetting lately. I think I need to start painting and freelancing again. If I only had the concentration.

I was reading Ana's post on the wife number. I really enjoy her blog Polygamy 411, and highly recommend it. If anyone knows of a good poly blog written by a man please let me know. I miss reading Hidden Sage's and a couple of others that seem to have gone by the wayside. The man's perspective is so interesting.

Poly blog's are like a support group for me. It can get lonely living in a suburban, non sectarian plural family. For instance, Hubby called me his best friend the other day. What did he mean by that? It's nice to be someone's "best friend" but at this particular juncture in my life I would prefer to be called "lover." What can I say? Anyway, asking an acquaintance or friend who doesn't know my situation doesn't do the trick.

OMG BIG LOVE!

I cannot believe it but HBO has taken down the bulletin board for Big Love right after the season premiere! Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with people don't you?

I don't know if you have noticed but I tend to write this blog when my blood is boiling or when I'm less depressed. I've been really, really down lately even though my reconstruction is going as expected, tho painfully, and my hair is starting to grow in - itchy! I think I'm finally homesick for the east coast. Please note the word "coast". I truly don't know how folks live land-locked for all of their lives! I miss my kids too. I worry about them. And I miss somethings about my career and my friends. I miss peace and quiet and privacy. And I miss having an uninterrupted conversation. I miss the romance I had and the fun!

But right now I'm pissed at hbo.com!!!!! I really want to be talking about the show.

I guess I'm starting to feel better :)

Resting

Since I last wrote, chemo treatments are finished...yay! Reconstruction has progressed...bah humbug! Honestly, I apologize for not keeping in touch here or elsewhere, but I just haven't had the strength to write. They say it can take months to feel back to normal. I'm not certain I ever will. After that stay in the hospital I just seemed to feel weak most of the time. I haven't painted either. I rest. That's what I do. I'm on a post treatment 5 year course of medication which has it's own potential side affects, some of them similar to chemo. Bone pain persists; my hair hasn't grown back yet; and the reconstruction process has become painful...all of which has me feeling very impatient.

I find myself questioning every decision I've ever made in my adult life. Why did I do this or that? What on earth was I thinking then? Could I have done this better? Things like that. I won't bore you with the details of each question because what's important is that I'm questioning everything - the way I brought up my kids; who and when I married; eating and sleeping habits..it's now 6 am, I've been awake since two having gone to bed at 10 pm with the television on. I suppose I could have taken a pain killer or sleeping pill but I am fearful of it becoming habitual.

Life in polygamy goes on. It's neither great nor bad, it just is. Hubby is getting less and less afraid of my condition which is good. Sister wives are tired of it, or that is what I perceive anyway. I am attempting to do more around the house but continue to long for my own home. I think I am better suited to have hubby two days/nights a week to myself, rather than being with him every day but it's not necessarily my day. I see this as a goal for the future, though no one else in the family sees eye to eye on this with me. But I think our relationship was built on escape from our every day problems. That's not especially a bad thing because the chaos that is living in a large group is very tiring.

Tomorrow(today) is New Year's Eve, never my favorite day of the year.