My Beginning Thoughts on Death From Drug Addiction

Recently a famous and heralded actor died from a heroin overdose. Several days later this news is still blaring from my television; and the internet is buzzing about it. Social media was on fire for a day or two with the usual rants. Some saying what a shame; others saying oh well another dope fiend gone. That type of thing. It sturck me how little has changed about the way people perceive drug addiction. That is the shame. Especially in a country that is known for it's so-called "war on drugs". A war that accomplished little except putting many relatively harmless people in jail for years; while leaving the real perpatrators free to roam and prey on our youth and other vunerable people.

The death from drugs of an accomplished person who had everything and more to live for, may help change attitudes. Possibly some day people will see addiction as a disease. Hopefully, one day the desparation of a heroin addcit will be seen for what it really is....Maybe, at some point hospitals, doctors, elected officials, and everyone will understand that the addict had a predisposition to a terrible, terrible disease. That when the disease took it's grip on that person, they were in need of help. Their choice, be it alcohol or heroin, or prescription drugs, may have been almost accidental.  But the choice isn't anything they can escape without medical and psychological help.

In the mean time, people will continue to die unnecesarily.. Our children, our neighbors, our friends. Some of the best and the brightest. Many just ordinary people who are loved.

Snowy Winter Blues

It's snowy and frigid here where I am making my new life. Sometimes I really miss the warm/hot climate where I lived in the plural family. Even if it got cold it never lasted long. I miss the heat. And I miss the little boy who stole my heart.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

I said almost those exact words to him once. I am inside  your heart and you are inside mine. He would ask me to repeat it on occasion. I hope, I really, really hope, he remembers that. I hope they haven't contaminated his feelings for me. His brother was older by a few years and we weren't as close; his baby sister was not much more than newborn. He however was two years old and just learning to talk and do the things little boys do, when I moved there. He was and I'm sure is a sweetheart. I don't know why he loved me so, but he did, and his company kept me strong when I needed to be strong. He saved me from wallowing in my depression. He was my only joy during those days. One or two friends helped, but that little boy loved me, wrinkled and bald. And I am just so sorry I never said goodbye.

I am battling winter depression, this I know. But I think this year it's at it's worst. The weather isn't co-operating, and I'm spending a great deal of time alone and doing nothing. I'm not motivated to paint or write. I have a hard enough time starting a simple chore. I have my kids and my grandkids and my sisters; but I don't have one friend that lives nearby. No one to laugh with, have some wine and watch a stupid television show with. No one to shop with, or complain to. I babysit. That is what I do now. Then I go home or send them home, and collapse.

They are my joy now, my beautiful grandchildren. That should be enough I know. But I worry about them, for them and pray they will be fine. They love me and look forward to seeing me. They greet me with open arms and kisses. But I can't fully enjoy it because I am so worried about them. And I'm so depressed about just about everything.  I hope I will be in their hearts forever, because they will be in mine.

I wish I could snap out of this.

Maybe when the sun comes out and melts the snow.

The Reason for The Season

Every year it seems the debate over "Merry Christmas" seems to grow and grow. Do we say Merry Christmas to everyone? Should Merry Christmas be written or said in various situations. Doesn't Happy Holidays make so much more sense? After all not everyone celebrates Christmas. .... and so on and so forth.

When I used to send many Christmas cards I made a point of having a "Merry Christmas" one for some; a religious one for others, like an angel, or baby Jesus, or the Wise Men; and a generic Happy Holidays for those who were Jewish or didn't celebrate Christmas for whatever reason. Ridiculous you say. I agree, now. Merry Christmas was always my favorite; the religious card I felt was a good reminder of the reason for the season; and the Holiday card made me feel better, somehow. Again, silly and ridiculous.

The point I want to make is, Happy Hannuka is fine with me. I don't celebrate that holiday, but I am aware of it and have no problem with children being taught about Hannukah in school. The same goes for Kwanza. But everyone except the most religious Christians seem to have a problem with children being taught about Christmas. Let's put snowmen around the school walls and so forth and call it a day. Let's not.

Town Squares may have a Christmas tree and a Mennorah and Kwanza candles now-a-days. However, put out a creche and watch the rumble. Seriously? This offends you? You're ridiculous. I am the biggest believer in separation of Church and State but reminding folks that this is a religious holiday for some does not offend me in the slightest.

There are all kinds of reasons to revel in the saying of Merry Christmas. There are very few, and mostly narrow minded reasons to ban it.

Growing  up in suburban New York City, none of this was an issue; but then slowly things changed. Also growing up where I did and raising my family there, I have always been surrounded by people of all faiths and races. Do you go out of your way to say Merry Christmas to a co-worker who you know full well does not celebrate the holiday? No. If that person happened to be Jewish a Happy Hannuka works during that time. Matter of fact some of the best Christmas decorations could be found in the homes and offices of my Jewish co-workers and friends. Any excuse would do:  an inter faith marriage being only one of those.

You see, the reason for this season is not just the birth of Christ, or commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt against the Seleucid Empire, nor the honoring of the African American culture; and not the annual observance of Ramadan. The real reason for the season in love. 

So I wish all of you a very Happy, Merry, and Holy!

Vanity, where are my teeth?

Did I mention my tooth loss issue? I really don't even like talking about it because it makes me feel stupid and a bunch of other things including angry.

I never liked dentists. Sorry. Just never did. But I've had extensive work done over the years. Lots of crowns and so forth. Right before I started on that journey of mine I had several root canals and crowns. I spent a ton of money. You could probably say that most of my teeth had root canals etc. And my teeth looked pretty good. This was necessary because I had been avoiding the dentist after having kids.

A year after moving across the country, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Bi-lateral breast cancer stage 2 to be precise. After a double mastectomy I had chemo, a reconstruction, and then started a therapy of after meds. That medicine it turns out is very hard on some people. Everyone, a little different.  I was avoiding the dentist again.

I started losing my teeth! Well the first one you couldn't see really. But as time went on another, then another. Turns out I wasn't losing my teeth I was losing crowns because the bone and the part of tooth that holds the crown was becoming bad. This is a rare side effect of the medication. A more common one is hair thinning. After a couple of years that happened too. :(  They say that will reverse when medication stops (I have another year and several months to go).  But back to my teeth.

After moving again I vowed to find a dentist I could tolerate. I finally did, and voila~ I am now the proud owner of dentures (uppers to be precise). Yuck. However this wasn't an easy process. It required extensive oral surgery, done in a hospital because of my lymphedema in both arms.

Yes, there are wonderful things in the world of medicine that save many lives afflicted by cancer. The down side is you will never be the same and the treatment takes its toll. The upside is you are ALIVE. So I'm not complaining here. But jeesh, my teeth? I never would have thought this would happen. It was a traumatic experience and I'm ashamed to say that it turns out I am a very vain person apparently. But I am alive. :)

I am trying out Gray/Grey

I wish the color gray/grey didn't have two spellings because I can never decide which to use and don't know if there is a difference. At any rate, I seem to be trying out gray hair. Sigh. I've been coloring my hair since I noticed that the little bit of gray I had wasn't so little anymore. Yes, a long time. I've bleached it; highlighted it; covered it; and since moving in with my former hubby basically just colored it to cover the gray and lighten it a bit. I loved being blond so I try to move in that direction.

Why did I stop highlights etc you ask? Well dear friends who are interested in polygamy, my sisterwives at the time didn't have as much income as I had and could not afford to go to a stylist on a regular basis. I was encouraged to do as they did and make do with inexpensive home coloring. What can I say? I'm a jerk sometimes.

Anyway, my sister has been helping me color it now that I'm truly poor; and she's been doing a good job. But she's very busy; works two jobs and is newly married. I always feel like I'm imposing. So now I'm overdue. Very overdue, as in a couple of inches of gray blending in to the dull blondish rest of the head..Everytime I think about going to the store to buy color something stops me. I don't know what.

I've always looked younger than my age. I've seen photos of myself at 45, 50 and so forth and it's true. I always looked at least 5-10 years younger. Then I got sick. Before long, I started looking my age except for the lack of gray hair.

So there you have it. I'm old. We all get old I just didn't think it would happen to me so quickly. My how time flies....and not just when you are having fun.

Something tells me I will give this up, this trying to be gray thing, because gray seems to look best on women who wear a lot of makeup. I don't have the energy nor inclination for that I'm afraid. We'll see.

Oh, did I mention that boob I was in a plural marriage with keeps trying to contact me? I'll leave that for another post.

The rest of the year.........

Summer's almost over. That bothers me, I never feel that it's long enough - like a kid who doesn't want to go back to school, I mourn the end of summer. There are a few things I like about autumn/fall. The leaves turning beautiful colors. Crisp but not totally cold air. The smell of a school all cleaned up, polished and ready for its students. Indian summer....when and if we have one. That's about it. Otherwise, you can keep it.

Keep Halloween please; as well as that other fall holiday, Thanksgiving. Halloween because after the kids in your life are 9 years old it's just a bother. Make that 7. Thanksgiving because while I love the food spread associated with it. What's the point really? No one that I know has ever been truly thankful. They just say they are. And then there's the fact that fall leads to winter very rapidly. Humbug.

The madness of Christmas. The cold, frigid temperatures. The SNOW! The ice. Black ice. Gray unsightly days. The dreaded month of February. When I was raising children I always wondered why, oh why, give the kids a whole week off from school when it's miserable outside? Oh yeah, you can take them skiing; or if you really want to blow money you can drag them away from the bad weather to some paradise island. Fun? Maybe if you're lucky. But If I'm going to paradise young children are not who I want to bring with me. Much as I love my grandkids I am pretty sure I don't want to take them either. Tweens and teens? Good gracious, I'm not that crazy. Staying home and being miserable until spring actually sounds better.

Easter. The holiest holiday in the Christian calendar, has always been iffy for me. Honestly. Even when as a youngster, while I enjoyed the dressing up in new Easter outfits, and the family dinner with cousins and aunts and uncles, the purpose of this holiday always was a blur for me. More so than Christmas even. Is it a holy day? Are we meditating on the death and resurection of Christ; or has the Easter bunny left me enough chocolate to last a lifetime? At various stages of my life I immersed myself in to the holy part of it. Holy Thursday; Good Friday visiting what seemed like a kazillion churches with my mother; Holy Saturday Easter Vigil; and the the Easter Bunny, the bonnet, the shiny shoes, chocolate and ham. All mixed together like a hodgepodge of life. Serious yet festive. Borderline morose and the silliness of hunting for plastic Easter eggs. Just a strange holiday if you ask me. And god forbid it rains and all that festivity is spoiled. The truly one thing nice about spring is it's not cold anymore and the flowers start to bloom. That's it. Oh, and summer is on its way.

Beloved summer. Warm, hot, sticky, lazy summer. The smell of suntan lotion and salt water just never loses its appeal to me. Sand in my hair, down my bathing suit, and stuck to my feet is not at all bothersome. It's just a reminder of how nice it is outside; how little work one is expected to get done; and that this will last almost 3 months. Even chlorine smells good to me, clean in a way nothing else is clean. Long days when the sun doesn't go down until after 9 pm and when it starts its journey people stop in awe. Summer's holiday, July 4th, is passable. It's a do what you find fun kind of a day. People. No people. Beach. No beach. Barbeque. No barbeque. Fireworks or not. Truthfully, I could go on and on and on about the virtues of summer.......and now it's almost over.

Summer Musings

I am not going to complain today! That is my new mantra. I hope it helps.

My little garden~ Outside my kitchen door I have use of a small part of the yard. There is a small, very small, little slate area and then grass. The landlord said I could do whatever I want back there. So..I made a pot garden! lol Pots with plants on either side of the door. I have lavender, Italian parsley, chives, rosemary and mint on one side. On the other just 2 tomato plants and 1 eggplant. I fret over them every day and water when necessary. No weeding!!! That is the plus side to a pot garden. The downside is ...the plants don't get to big. One tomato plant has just 3 tomatos growing on it, the other has 7! And of course I have no clue as to why one is doing so much better than the other..it's almost like having children.

The beach! ~ I go to the ocean at least once a week. The bay area not so much which is odd because it's easier to get to...I don't know what I would do without the beach.

I have two sisters who haven't spoken in a while because of some rift which they aren't sure they remember. Last weekend I managed to get them together..yay me.

I see my grandchildren almost every day these days. It's lovely.

Years ago I started a Gratitude Journal. It may be something I try again. Haven't had time for painting because of the little ones, but I might be able to start some freelance web writing again. We shall see.

Happy Summer!

To The Beach!

It's been three months since I've posted here and I miss it. I miss putting my thoughts down on virtual paper and getting insightful comments from followers and friends.

So here I am. It's almost the end of June. Still have not retrieved my things but I will when I'm ready. As Older and Wiser pointed out it's just stuff.

For the past 9 months I've lived alone in a little but nice studio apartment. Luckily for me it came furnished. It's very pleasant. The landlords live in the main part of the house but are not intrusive at all. There is even a little part of the yard that is mostly just mine. When I babysit here the kiddies like to go out there and it gives me a place for my morning coffee when weather allows. But yet, it is still just one room. Not quite a home. And at times the walls close in on me. However, after a year and a half of not having a car I managed to get one! It's in good shape and didn't cost much, which is good because it is almost 10 years old. It gets me to the grocery store and doctors appointments so I love it! It was god awful having to depend on others when I ran out of milk or bread let alone needing a whole shopping list of essentials.

Being alone is something I still have to get used to.The transition from a huge household to this is taking longer than I thought it would. The constant quiet can be unsettling and I find myself leaving the television on sometimes even when I sleep. I remember my mom doing that; and I remember her thoughts on being alone after raising 5 kids and having a husband passing. I'm sorry I didn't empathize with you more mom.

One thing I am perplexed by and will go in to in another post at some point. I have not heard from either sister wife at all. Nor any of the kids.

Summer is not only officially here but the weather is co-operating on that front. This is my time of the year. I finally have wheels! To the beach I will go on a semi-regular basis....when I can. Repeat. :)

Suggestions anyone? And a brief update.

I feel the need to start another blog on another site, just because. Haven't decided on the new site yet and still thinking about subject matter. I know it could just be ramblings but I'm not sure I want to do that. So - I've thought about a "Grandma" blog. Would call it, "Gramma's blog" and muse about being a grandmother and all that positive usually anyway lol stuff. A little advice for other grandmas and some personal stuff.

However, I have always wanted to do a more political type blog. My opinions; a little humor maybe. Not sure.

Then of course I could just do a blog about my experience learning how to paint...

Or a poetry blog.

And the ideas go on and on...

Several reasons for looking for a new site include that on this site lately, whether I have the captcha on or not, my comment box gets filled with spam. Some of it very weird. Some advertising blogs. Another reason is that I don't want a new blog connected to my formerly plural lifestyle blog and on this site that can't be helped.

I'm going to need emails of folks here that would like to follow any new blog I write. Please.

Update:
I have still not gone to get my stuff out of storage ... it's more than 1000 miles away and my fear of flying; my not wishing to bump in to anyone; my not knowing how I will pay for the trip which I estimate will take almost a week; my not wanting to stay with friends the whole time; ugh..can you say procrastinating?? I would love to see his family and a couple of friends but I just don't know what to do. His extended family became very dear to me over the years and I miss them but not sure .....so not sure about so many things lately.

Relationship markers; internet friends and some other stuff

First Christmas without your ex; first Valentine's Day etc...I must confess missing my plural relationship is not a daily thing..it had just gotten too hard. One thing I've noticed though is that it must have really filled up my life because I have too many days with not much to do.

I am glad to see NTPW posting again and Older and Weiser having some well deserved success. It seems many of the blogs I follow are pretty inactive these days. Border Collie, a very loyal blog reader, has lost her beloved husband and I'm sure is going through the healing process. I noticed in one of her comments on another blog she mentions that it's strange that internet friends can mean so much. It's not really strange. These internet friendships come in many shapes, sizes, colors and types and have one thing in common ...well mostly...there is no need for pretense. I also find them refreshing and wonderful and miss many of those folks I have connected with over the years.

Living alone, sadness, poor real life relationships - all are reasons that internet friends are a positive in our lives. There have been times in my past when they were almost all I had. Anyone who doesn't understand this, I don't know how to explain it.

This winter has been so much worse than the last one. Lots and lots of snow and a real honest to goodness blizzard. My doctor thinks I may have that winter blues syndrome - I forget what it's called. I think he may be on to something. I can't wait for summer.

A Town and a Nation Broken Hearted

There is nothing worse than losing a child.My parents lost a child, my infant brother. Relatives say my mother was never the same. I only knew her really after the fact and she seemed fine to me, but I'm sure they know what they were talking about. I know she was overly cautious with us at times. I don't really remember her having a sense of humor. And she never talked about it. Never. Neither did my father.

While I have been watching the news coverage of the horrific shooting in Connecticut, more than anything else I am haunted by those 20 children. Twenty little children whose lives were cut down so violently; whose last sounds and images were filled with fear. Our minds can't wrap around the enormity of the horror......and then our minds switch to the parents. The siblings. The grand-parents. The world is broken-hearted.

The unspeakable turns in to the unimaginable when I learn the children and adult victims remain in the school building over night. That their families have not seen them, did not get to hold them one last time. That mothers and fathers spent the night filled with unimaginable grief and emptiness.

The internet, facebook, I imagine twitter, and phone lines, fill up with anti-gun sentiment. Pro-gun sentiment is there as well. Mental health issues and concerns about lack of treatment land on my computer screen. It's still going on today.

I have to tell you that I remain shocked as ever by the pro-gun fanaticism. I have believed in gun control for decades. This after all isn't the first tragedy to hit my television screen. But please notice I said "control". It seems to me the pro-gun people think control is something different than I do, something sinister. Something against our constitutional rights. They don't care about statistics. Nor do they want to hear that the fanatical gun culture in the United States has given us the highest gun violence death rate of any civilized country in history. England, China, France, Australia...many more...all with death rates from guns in the low double digits per year..the United States is up in the thousands...more than 10,000 to be exact. PER YEAR.

So I don't feel any differently about guns than I ever did. You want to hunt deer? Pass a test, get screened, buy a deer hunting rifle. Same if you want to protect your home and family. But there is no reason on God's earth for any civilian to own a gun that can shoot 6 bullets per second. No reason for a gun show to sell an automatic weapon to a teenager, or anyone else that hasn't been screened. No reason for a troubled twentysomething to be able to purchase thousands of rounds of ammunition and explosives off the internet as the Aurora shooter did. No reason, quite frankly for any one other than military or law enforcement to have guns like that. Limiting access to those guns DOES NOT TAKE AWAY YOUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS. All it does is make us safer as a nation.

All it does is allow parents to confidently send their children off to school in the morning.

All it does is make sense.

We are being sent a message, but will we listen?

Thanksgiving Reflection

Wow, didn't realize it had been two months since my last post. Settled in to a small, very small apartment, more like a room with a closet of a kitchen, but oh well. Who do I have to cook for?

I have reflected some on what I have to be thankful for this year:
For one, I am closer to my children both physically and emotionally. Although since I spent almost every day the past year with my oldest,, I think he may be tired of his mom.

My youngest boy is doing better. Both boys are back to school, I should refer to them as men. I am both surprised and proud of that.

My three absolutely beautiful, fun, and loving grand children. The oldest, only 4 is wise beyond his years and just a lot of fun. My delightful grand daughter, 16 months, who makes me smile everyday. She is a handful just as her dad was as a youngin, but she is a kisser and a hugger and I need her presence in my life. The baby, 6 months, who I worried about them having and not being able to afford him..he is adorable and embedded in my heart at this point, that I barely remember wishing he wasn't coming along..and regret thinking those thoughts.

My sisters, all three, ......imperfect, bossy, sometimes judgmental. I don't care. They are my best friends and I only recently discovered that.

My niece. One of three, she is so kind and beautiful, and I am so proud of her. The rest of those cousins I have not gotten close to but they are all grown and don't live close.

The roof over my head. So many have recently become homeless due to Hurricane Sandy, I can't imagine their loss.

My parents. Long gone, but their influence stays with me. They instilled a strong moral compass in us that I have occasionally strayed from, but never got completely lost, and always find my way back.Everything about the way they lived their lives taught me to care about other people; try to do the right thing; and never lose sight of family.

I am thankful that I have had this blog and it's readers during this journey.

That through all my past mistakes; all the pain I mostly self inflicted on myself; through a tremendous health crisis; through every trial and tribulation I have ever experienced ~ I have survived.

Dream Ended

My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.

The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.

I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.

There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.

So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.

Not quite farewell.

It's been a year now....It actually went faster than I thought this being away from my poly family.

Things aren't perfect here where I am at the moment either...nothing is perfect, you would think by this ripe old age I would know that! I am planning a trip back home hopefully this Fall...wish me luck!

I'm thinking of starting a new blog, since I have little to say about polygamy at the moment. I never really advocated nor did I ever feel disdain for polygamy/plural marriage. I just accepted it as a viable alternative lifestyle and for some people a religious belief. This has just been about my journey. The best and the worst of it.

I wish I was happier with the lifestyle. It could suit me so well as I like my independence and alone time...but that's not what my experience brought to the table. I am envious of those of you who have that experience, and of those of you who don't but at least have what you want.

My problem as the father of my children reminded me a couple of weeks ago, is that I've never been the submissive type...yes, he actually said that because I disagreed with something he said about the kids...but it applies to the experience I have in a plural marriage. Not that hubby ever expected me to be that way, but he did expect me to fall in line with the others when suitable. Hard to explain really. I think the hardest thing for me though is putting up and living within the same walls as sister wives. It just rubs me the wrong way I guess...I often say to them: I've had the college (and high school) dormitory experience long ago. This is way too much like that. I need a kitchen of my own, a bathroom of my own, I'm older and sharing space is not an agreeable option for me. Sigh. Oh well. They just don't get that. My sister wives are very much the sacrificing type...or is it just that all of the people in that house with the exception of hubby are their blood? I, on the other hand, have always been the outsider.

I don't know what the future will bring but I'm not sure I see the point of writing about this experience any more.

I congratulate D for writing her book! I feel joyous for her. It's something I always contemplated doing, whether about polygamy or something else...life always got in the way for me.

Ana, you are amazing! Your wisdom has been very appreciated.

BC, I worry about you and hope your life gets better.

To L and M....I love reading about your life your ups and downs and hope everyone is happy...I will continue reading.

Until I find my way to the authorship of another blog I will drop in here and say hello, perhaps with some updates.

Dreams and Ambitions and Life

So through the generosity of a family member I have had the good fortune to be able to watch a show on HBO TV called "Newsroom". I'll be honest the first episode didn't impress me except for the wonderful performance turned in by Sam Waterson. However, I felt compelled to keep watching. There have been 5 episodes thus far, each getting better and better, but that's not why I'm writing this.

I'm mostly writing this to remind myself of a couple of dreams and ambitions I've had throughout my life that were actually good!

As a child I wasn't a stellar student. I was what was known back then in the dinosaur age as an "underachiever." Today, many underachievers are diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. I wasn't hyperactive, I just preferred to sit in class and daydream. Dreaming of the typical young girl things like being a movie star like Tuesday Weld or Elizabeth Taylor soon progressed once I reached high school age. In a private Catholic boarding school one of the nuns recognized my ability to put my thoughts down on paper. I soon became a reporter for the school newspaper and in my senior year the editor of the Literary Magazine. College and the 1960's and 70's totally sidetracked me with an enormous interest in politics and the News. And then a couple of marriages and children got in the way. During the years I was a stay at home mother, volunteerism and activism fueled my soul. I volunteered at their schools; and campaigned for the environment mostly. Occasionally, I'm not sure why, I did PR work for whatever group I was active in. Newsletters, letters to the editor and guest editorials and features.

Then an eccentric woman who started a weekly newspaper with her grown son tapped me to work for her. At first I did everything but I stunk at selling advertisements so I stuck to reporting. In the newsroom, my nickname soon became "Front Page." I covered school board meetings, local crime (the most fun I hate to admit), and local politics. I can not describe how much I felt at home in the newsroom. I owe a lot to my now deceased mentor. To make a long story a little shorter, I wound up working for a Pol in PR and Press relations. I daydreamed occasionally that I worked for one of the TV stations I dealt with writing news. Though that never happened, it wasn't a bad ambition to have. It kept me focused on what was important to write and occasionally spin.

Life can get in the way of our ambitions. I've often thought I never reached my potential because I have always been an "underachiever." But I think my point today is that I didn't do so poorly...I worked in a field I loved. As I watch the show, Newsroom, my pulse beats a little faster; a smile comes over my face even though serious topics are being discussed.

I come to life for that brief hour. For that time I am not worried about finances; nor am I torn between polygamy and my life with my biological family. I am not sad and I'm not lonely. I have no regret. It's my Calgon moment. It's wonderful!

depression

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. No excuses, I just haven't felt like it. This journey .... I don't know what to say anymore frankly. To be even more brutally honest, my depression seems to have overwhelmed me.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my adult life, or so it seems. Throughout my 20s, 30s and even 40s, I managed to control it by myself. I used to just chase it away when it would pop up. Plus, children, especially when they are young, have a way of helping you smile and laugh, and laughter truly is good medicine. I practiced yoga on and off for years; and I always had a large circle of friends. I was busy. If I woke up sad, I learned to brush it off. Unfortunately I think what happens when you are busy trying to keep your sanity is that you neglect other things; make bad decisions; clumsy mistakes; and sometimes let anger take over emotions. There were even times when I had such terrible anxiety that my nerves literally would get the best of me. Eventually, at one difficult time I sought help from a doctor and started taking anti-depression and anxiety medications.

Today I woke up confused. Is this sadness? Anger? Just a funk? Medication doesn't always work...better decision making helps just as much even more sometimes. Decision making has always and continues to be my worst character flaw I think. Two hours after waking up, I just sunk in to despair. All I could think of was how I had ruined my life, my kids lives, probably all three of the husbands I've had, and god knows who else's lives. Remorse and guilt swept over me like huge waves crashing on the beach. After about ten minutes of self-pity I stood up and took some deep breaths. I'll get over this just as I always have. I will hug my grand-babies and smile because that is what I do. I will accept, eventually, that a loving, happy relationship is just not meant to be. I will not let heartbreak and guilt overcome the rest of my life.

I finally understand how my mother (now deceased) felt years after my dad passed away. More than once she would say, "I just need to touch someone and have them touch me." I was so busy at the time being touched (hugged, grabbed, tickled, kissed, patted, etc)by my young children and husband that I didn't empathize at all....Ma, I am so sorry.

A good day for America and for us

I don't know if any of you are for or against gay marriage. It doesn't really matter to me because I truly believe that we are all entitled to our different opinions. I just happen to agree with Clint Eastwood,over 50% of our citizens including Dick Cheney, and the President of the United States. After all, as Robin Williams has joked, why shouldn't gay people have the same right to be miserable as the rest of us!

All joking aside, yesterday was a good day for our country and for polygamists if you think about it. We are one more step, however small or large, to our neighbors accepting different marital lifestyles as the norm. That's an excellent thing.

NTPW posted recently about a colleague seeing her husband and his other wife out to dinner. This is an awkward moment for a professional woman, should I explain or not? No, I'll just brush over it...no, it's no one's business really, etc. etc. etc. Truth is it would be nice not to have to even think about it. Truth is, the family I (new#3)was born in to have never really accepted it. At first they expressed surprise and shock, then grudging acceptance that soon faded away the very second I expressed any concern, unhappiness or doubt.

For me the whole issue of gay marriage is one of liberty and equality. I have gay friends who have been praying for acceptance of gay marriage for years. I'm not sure I totally emphasized with them until I entered in to a plural marriage. To this day I don't talk about my marriage to certain people and don't mention it at all in social situations unless I am with hubby and he brings it up first. That has happened occasionally especially in the beginning when we would be on vacation surrounded by strangers...I was often surprised at the reaction...rarely did anyone care or say anything negative. Usually there would be a lot of curiosity. Which was fine.

So really, what's the big deal about gay marriage? I don't know but unfortunately several of my more conservative friends have expressed outrage which makes me sad. For some it's just another thing to hold against the President. Well, like him or not. Agree with his administration's policies or not. I admire his courage. And I'm happy for my gay friends.

Friends Who Ask Nothing

I don't really see myself as a painter/artist, writing is what I do, but I've been painting quite a bit lately. It's relaxing. the lighthouse is an old painting done for the painting class when I first moved across the country. I remember going to that class, a senior education class at a junior college, and feeling so strange with a roomful of strangers. I came to feel like that class was an oasis and those strangers my only friends.

They were women mostly, and approximately my age. They were so hospitable and nice, and some of them quite talented. The teacher was great...easy going and encouraging. She provided a list of needed supplies; and she never said an unkind word. Some of them had taken the yoga class I took for a while. None of them knew my circumstances or lifestyle and there was no need to go in to all that in order to be friendly. All they knew was that I had moved from the Northeast; married a man much younger; and had children, step-kids, and grand-kids. We didn't socialize outside of class but they did invite me to shows an art organization they belonged to held on occasion. They invited me to join, but I never did. Once I drove to the teacher's home to give her a kitten she wanted to adopt. Sometimes one of them would bake and bring goodies in to share. We exchanged small gifts at Christmas or hand-painted greeting cards. When after a year or so I became sick, they comforted me. They were empathetic and offered help that I graciously turned down. When I returned to class some months later with a bandanna around my bald head they complimented me. When my hair grew back they were thrilled for me. We spent the class painting and swapping stories about our grandchildren. I sorely miss those women.

People you meet in life who ask nothing of you except occasional camaraderie are undervalued. They are the best kind of friends. When I left, after that last class, I sat in the parking lot in the car and cried.

Good news and conflicts I think about constantly

Some good news...I am painting again. Completed two new paintings and gave them away. I wasn't very thrilled about them because they were in a new medium for me, acrylics, but the people I gave them to liked them so voila, instant gift! D asked to see some of my work, as soon as I can figure that out I will share. Some not so good not so sure news...I still don't know when I will be returning to Hubby's house. It's a huge distance and I do miss the family, but not all the confusion to be honest. I find I miss Hubby's friendship and companionship, oddly enough most often when I am watching tv alone at night. I miss the grandchildren tremendously. My conflicts are too many and too confusing to list here in full but I know for certain what some of them are. My biological family. They really don't want me to go back except to pick up my things, which would be an enormous project. And very, very emotional. As I get older conflict is not something I look forward to. But I do miss some of my things, particularly books and photographs. I have become very attached to the grandchildren here. At the point at which I left our finances were strained in that we were all living pay check to pay check, and not always so well. I brought half my income here so that I can exist, but I find more and more that it isn't enough. Easy solution would be to go back, a much more difficult would be to take more money from the family pot. In a way I'm not sure that's fair to them since they are going through some major financial problems at the moment. #2 lost her job and hasn't found a new one! The eldest son needs surgery and can't go back to work until that is finished and he goes through rehab. The conflict? One of my sons is out of work, the one with a family. It is super expensive to live here. I feel, perhaps irrationally, very torn up inside about all this. Another problem that has multiple facets to it is the state of our marriage....see? I could go on and on.... More good news is that the coldest of the weather seems to be gone. Spring, my second favorite season, is here! I haven't started keeping a daily journal again...I don't know why. And I haven't gone back to writing for the website I used to write for, again, not sure why that is. I wish some of my favorites like NTPW/H and Older/Wiser would start blogging again, I miss reading them. And BC, you should really start a blog!

Writing and Painting

I used to think I couldn't paint...well I can't lol very well...but it is the hobby I took up when I moved to Hubby's part of the world, as a way of meeting people etc. I believe Hidden Sage first suggested it. I met this group of women roughly my age who while I didn't have a hell of a lot in common with them, I liked them. Of course, the friendships only went so far as I didn't feel I could share my lifestyle choice with them, but in a way I miss them. And I missed the painting so I've begun to pick it up again, it relaxes me. It has taken the place of my writing for the most part. Writing is more disciplined and exact, and my concentration isn't great at the moment.

I admire those who can just sit down and write. I need either inspiration or an assignment...and I have neither right now. This blog has taken the place of a journal. Unfortunately, it's not daily. I think it would be even more boring to people than it is now, if I were to start blogging every single day. So...where is my notebook? lol